Why never serious???

The only place I have solace when I reach crisis ia here...I look very healthy, I don't starve,I'm humorous,I have kids,I have feelings,I have a job,I work hard,I've attempted suicide several times,but I'm yet here, I have moments when I want to live,then give up.I have unwanted thoughts and feelings but I don't want to be there. I feel I have had enough as there is no one who understands me.I'm 37 in a senior position....been through the lot and bidding farewell. I just cant cope with this life. I want to thank all of the lovely people in this blog who have been immensely helpful and Sure they will again when I pick up. Some part of me wants to live,but the other part says just go! I love u all! And this blog.Sure you've redeemed many lives

Sammy xx

22 Replies

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  • Sammy,

    I for one have been there, and sure I would have liked to have just floated away, never to feel the pain and turmoil but as someone once said to me 'it's better to be on this side than the other because at least you know whats here' I have believed that and when I've got to the stage you seem to have reached, even recently, I try and focus on those words and also the effects and crisis that will become part of others lives, I have seen that in the past as well and the destruction that has caused.

    There are plenty of us who understand, plenty of us who find difficulty coping, plenty of us who want to help a fellow human being in pain, just some can only see external problems.

    Come back to me with your thoughts.

    Shalom

    1b4bed

  • Hi Sammy, I am the same, not as professional as you sound but life and sole of the party, had 3 jobs at one point, children who are clever, used to breed dogs, I used to be happy but felt that something was missing, always had a cloud over my head though and I never knew why, in the last few yrs I was diagnosed with Bipolar and BPD, my moods these days can change in seconds, my thoughts race, I have so much rage, I hate the people I love, I snap when there is no need to, love pottering in the garden 1 minute and will race my car the next, many times I have thought my family would be happier without me. My ex husband died last year, he was only 48 yrs old, 2 of our children didn't realy get on with him the others did, all four were devastated when he died, which made me think that I am better off here, for my children's sake and live in hope that I get helped, help is very hard to find, you have to meet with this criteria, that criteria, but if your determind you will get find that help, I watched my children in so much pain and I couldn't do anything to make their pain go away, the thing then was too stay around for as long I could because if they lost me also it would awful for them to say the least, Like Shalom has said, come back and share with us how you feel, if this might help you, a few heads is better than one xxx

  • Hi Sammy77,

    I am sorry to hear things are difficult for you right now.

    I just wanted to let you know that I've read this and am thinking of you.

    If you feel you are in imminent danger of taking your own life, please:

    dial 999 or go to your nearest Accident and Emergency department (A&E).

    If you don’t feel in immediate danger of killing yourself but are frightened by the thought that you might, you could:

    Talk to someone you trust about how you’re feeling

    If you’re finding it hard to find the words, you might want to speak to someone who is trained to listen:

    Mind infoline 0300 123 3393 weekdays 9am - 6pm

    Samaritans 08457 90 90 90 open 24 hours a day

    Matt

  • Hi darling,

    I'm sorry you're in such a dark place, Sammy but please try not to give up.

    I can really identify with what you're saying. I too manage to hold down a responsible job with long hours and a smile on my face. Only to go home in a black shroud of depression with no thought beyond wishing I wasn't here.

    I don't have an answer for you love, apart from to remind you that we're all here for you and care very much.

    Please post again soon to let us know that you're ok.

    Love

    Lizard.xxx

  • Hi Sammy

    You have had some lovely comments here my love & you no I am here for you , keep talking , we will all help you get through this

    love

    whywhy

    xxx

  • hi Sammy, just read your post, how has this reached a point where you want to commit suicide, have you tried getting in touch with Samaritans, there are people out there that can help you through this awful time, please , please, get in touch with them as soon as possible, I know I am speaking on behalf of every one on this site we need you back with us, please keep talking on the site and try and stay as positive as you can. please take care.xxx

  • Hi Sammy,

    Sorry, I don't really know you but I know how you feel. The only thing I can say is it does get better. I look back & see all the things I would have missed if I wasn't here, some bad, but lots of good stuff too. Please keep chatting, always someone to listen

    Thomson x

  • Sammy

    That could be me writing that. I understand.

    Just wanted to say xxx

  • Oh all,I wish I had you all in my life close to me.I don't talk much but allof you that posted have touched me. I am saying a big thank u and ccrying in my bed. I had all the gadgets to end my life. But have changed my mind.I'm still not happy but you all have influenced me.love you all.what a good website for support.why am I like this? I want to just end it one minute and change my head? Am I going insane? WHY ME...love all

  • Sammy

    We are all in your life , we are here , look :o, all supporting you , you are not on your own & never have to be , with us around

    I am so pleased you havnt done anything & please , I want you on here so , you need to stick around

    Million Dollar question Sammy , why are any of us like this , but the point is we can all get through this & we have each other , so dont forget that & keep coming on & talking

    Love

    whywhy

    xxx

  • Sorry Sammy its Dr Claire Weeks,

    Love

    Bonnie

    xxx

  • Sammy no you are not going insane , that is how it makes us feel but you are not. Sammy it will get better in time it does, just think of those lovely children . Sammy have you got Dr Weeks book? if not can you get it. It is on amazon, I got it recently and by Christ does she go through the lot, everything from thoughts to symptoms, it makes so much sense as well. Am so glad you are on here Sammy, tomorrow is another day, I have been in crisis a little while ago, and thought about all the positives in my life, and I no that's not easy as we are suffering a lot and keep stuck on the negatives and what is happening to us, If you can read Dr Weeks Book . keep posting and talking to us when ever you feel you need to no matter what time of day.

    Love

    Bonnie

    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  • Sammy,

    Really pleased you came back. We are all in your life as close as you will allow us to be.

    I know I am not near enough to say let's go for a walk, fish or bird watch. Nor can we go running, play football or go to the gym.

    However I can listen or read, I understand that deep hollow you are feeling all be it from afar as I have been there, but speak to us and that hole will become shallower.

    I am so pleased with your last comment, always think of the next minute and take a very deep breath it could be that one that destroys not only your world but all those you love and who love you.

    Shalom

    1b4bed

  • I'm in bed, very touched and thanks to all for spending your valuable time to save my life. I don't know what else to say.love you all! Im in no mindframe to read a book but will definitely consider Dr weeks once I feel better

    Sammy xx

  • Hey Sammy,

    Good to hear from you.

    I know we're not close in distance but we've got you and we're holding tight.

    Be Safe.

    Good night. God Bless.

    Lizard.xxx

  • Hi Sammy I am so sorry you feel this way at the moment. Can you get some time off work at the moment? You sound like you have a lot on your plate. When I am feeling suicidal I put it off. I say I am not going to do it today. I say the same thing the next day and the next. Eventually the feeling passes. You don't say if you are getting any help from your doctor. If you aren't please go and see him/her.

    Meanwhile keep coming on here and we will continue to love and support you. Lots of Sammy hugs (((((((((Sammy))))))))

    Bev xxx

  • You're right bev. To be honest, I've lost trust in GP services. They hardly understand MH and just chuck me on meds which I did not get on with.

    I have booked a/l 2 weeks in Aug.thanks for all your posts.it means a lot to me.

    Sammy xx

  • Hia Sammy, I don't know you but you have made my day, just to know that ur still here, u have a lot of people here that truly care, can I come away with you lol seriously though I am so glad ur okay ish and still with us xxxx

  • Hi all, im sorry but back to square one again..

    Had a horrible day today. Wanted to share my feelings with my wife and she didn't want to listen.said she's had enough and that I've been putting up a show with mental health etc.described me as a lazy idiot.what's th point in receiving all this support online and through MH teams when your closest partner blames u for everything and doesn't want to listen. Through my illness,I've always worked hard and got to this position where they are....comfort,security etc.just because I've reached a crisis.....even my partner don't want to talk to me.where the hell do I go? What I have got to live for. I just want to vanish from this life and don't even want anyone to know where I have gone or find tracks of my corpse....want to get out of this hell

  • Hi darling,

    I was just thinking about you.

    It's so hard. You reach out to the people who are supposed to care about you the most and there's nothing there. They don't get it. Or perhaps they're just so afraid that they just cannot respond in the way we need.

    I don't know about you but I wonder too if we've been strong for so long and are able to put on such a good act that no one realises quite how bad it really is. Certainly I can keep my face and am competent, connected and engaged at work. My job is very intense and I am completely focused. I've worked very hard to make sure my depression and anxiety do not get a look in. When I go home it's like a tsunami and it all rushes back over me. No-one at home can understand how I can put on this act at work or, more importantly why I can't keep it up at home. I don't know either.

    Do you have anyone else you can confide in or get support from?

    I've no real answers, love.

    Just please don't give up.

    Keep posting and talking.

    We're all here for you for as long as it takes.

    Love

    Lizard.xxx

  • Sammy,

    Sometimes nobody apart from those who have been anywhere near the feelings that we have understand. They sit back and believe that they are so much in control and have to deal with this and that because... but they may be only a few steps away from how we feel.

    Comeback to us and talk. You have something very precious to those around you and unfortunately some one will find tracks and then you will only pass the baton on. Your pain will only multiply in others. Jetstar gave you Samaritans number ring them please.

    1b4bed

  • Hi all,

    Just taken a bit of time to read all your messages on ths sleepless night. It is sometimes good to reflect on the Past,sometimes not.Following all those messages,I took a lethal cocktail of prescription meds, was found by Mrs unconscious on the floor aspirated in vomit.came around in critical care after 2 days and stopped all antidepressants.This is to let you all know that Im still around and much better. Im taking a day at a time.

    I sometimes don't have the energy to type much but do read your posts.You are all such lovely people and may God bless you all.

    Lots of luv

    Sammy xxx

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