A new low for me...

[alicia_92]

Hi guys,

So yesterday was my boyfriend's long awaited graduation day. All in all, it was a really beautiful day, nothing went wrong, he didn't trip up the stairs (ha!), lots of lovely pics in the warm sunshine etc etc. His parents treated us to a dinner afterwards which was so nice, and then later that evening people gathered at his and his friends' flat for drinks and celebrations.

For half of the day I was really genuinely enjoying myself, despite knowing the place would be full to the brim with people, especially the dozens of people that Jamie knows and is friends with. For the other half, towards the end of the day, I felt that black cloud looming over me, and sticking. Before yesterday I gave myself a little prep talk, and warned myself to let Jamie have his special day and to not let anything ruin that. But I suppose with me, once I start having the negative feelings and thoughts, it's very very difficult to change that around again.

It ended up with me, him and his uni friends all going out to this bar, where I spent half of the evening crying in a toilet cubicle with various bad thoughts running through my mind. "His friends don't like me/I'm never going to make it to my graduation as I'll just fail everything/He's got it all sorted and I'm a mess" etc etc. I was trying so hard to seem okay but Jamie, knowing me so well, could see that I wasn't good and kept trying to get me to tell him what was up. In the end we ended up walking back to his, me in tears, not really able to explain properly why I was in such a state (as per). We talked a lot, and as always Jamie was incredibly patient and understanding (which I can never thank him enough for- I always tell him he deserves better). After both feeling better after getting it all out, we went on to the nearby club where all his friends already were, very drunk. We were both quite sober after the big meal so stayed for a couple of hours and then caught a taxi home.

Today has been great, we went to a local farm and had a nice lunch in the sun. So it's not like the previous night had made things awkward, or uncomfortable. It was just, as Jamie said 'a blip'. I always apologise endlessly to Jamie after something like this, but he always tells me not to be sorry, that it's fine/normal/perfectly okay etc. I can't help but feel so guilty now though- I asked him if I'd ruined his big day but he told me not to be silly, that I was part of making it so special. But I can't help thinking that this is simply a new low for me... and what with a festival and family holiday with him on the way, I'm desperately trying to will myself not to do the same thing then and potentially ruin something so great. It's like I'm watching myself from the outside sometimes, knowing how bad I'm being, but not being able to do anything about it.

I have my first CBT session with my new therapist tomorrow. I really really hope going to these starts to help me, and make everything better. xxx

[Hidden]

Well done you , I hope you feel proud you should do !

What a lovely BF you seem to have as well

I always wonder why my hubby is with me , but after years of wondering , I have accept , that the reason he is , is because he loves me for who I am , & thats why your BF is with you

I no we can find it hard to accept someone would love us , but try & accept there is something about you that makes you the one for him & it helps if we can & stop asking ourselves why

You had a little wobble , & to be honest I would have had a massive one , you came through it though , so dont beat yourself up

Your other events you have coming up , take each one as they come , try not to over think them all , as when I do this , my anxiety is up before I even attempt them

You say after talking with your BF you were able to carry on , I relate to this

What I do is when I am going some where , I arrange a kind of code , with who ever I am going with , could be a wink , or a nudge & then they no I need a breather & they make an excuse & we go of & talk without bringing attention to the situation

Maybe you could talk to your OH & have some kind of signal between you that if you are starting to feel over powered with the situation, he knows & then you can go of together have a breather & then join back in

Good luck with passing your exam 's i am sure you will

Again well done

love

whywhy

xxx

[alicia_92 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you whywhy, that was such a lovely post to read. You've made me feel so much more relaxed and happy within myself just by reading that. That's some really good advice about having a sort of code arranged, I'm definitely going to consider that in the future.

Thank you again xxx