All in all not too bad a day. I managed to let a different person into the house without totally embarrassing myself. This is what I have decided most of my anxiety is. As a teenager I was shy and very self aware that I was embarrassing. I constantly used to worry what others thought of me, I also think this is what the bullies picked up on. At primary school I was told I would make a very good public speaker! At secondary school there was no way on this earth I would do anything that made others look at me. when I got my first job I had to be trained on answering the phone because I was scared to answer it.
It was only really when I got the job I'm in now, I'm a Health and Family support worker with Sure Start, I teach baby massage and parenting courses, I go to houses and talk with families. I am constantly talking to people! I have dealt with ofsted driven them around and taken them on home visits, I run a breast feeding group with my volunteers.
I have always been an anxious sort of person. This bout of anxiety started in October whilst we were on a cruise (never again)! It came to a peek in April this year and I have been off sick since. Usually during my bouts of anxiety I have panic attacks I get them under control and carry on, this is the worst I've been.
I feel like my safety blanket has been taken from me when my mum died. I am now refusing to go any further than about 1 mile from home. I don't like different people coming into the house, I'm ok with family, my sons best friend and the daughters new boyfriend!
In April I seemed to shut down I couldn't do the shopping I really don't know how I managed to get the children to school and do all the shopping and just generally get on with the normal things in life. Although I could go out!
I'm an expert at scuppering nice things for myself, then I feel disappointed that I haven't gone. In the last two weeks I've missed a hen night and the wedding, I've cancelled the electrician twice and had a panic when the blind man ( blinds for the kitchen window) rang to say he was on his way, I had booked this and then cancelled it!
He came today instead, I started to feel anxious when he said he would be 20mins. When he arrived all I could think was I'm going to panic in front of him this is so embarrassing I cannot ask him to leave, I cannot run away what do I do?
He did stay and I did choose a blind design and I did make a decision!
Anyway that's my essay done for tonight xxxx