Update and Rant.

[Nichola95]

I don't come on here as often as i should because i know i cant get support for my anxiety and depression in real life and i find it helps talking to anons and such who are in similar situations.

Well i guess im still finding it hard to cope with the sixthform and such im still coming in sitting, doing work then going home. no social interaction or words spoken all day. becuase of this its effecting my eatting habits. i'm barely eatting at all again. i eat breakfast, skip lunch (fear of eatting alone and infront of others) and maybe have a small dinner if i can be up for it.

But much to my dismiss its something i have to get used to. my friends have better things to do.

i need to open up because things are eatting me inside and i need to get it out.

1-

On the 2nd may there was a crash in canada and the person who died in that crash i had known for years. i havent fully understood this greiving thing but somedays i cannot cope because that person was the only one i could open up to and talk to. One of his close friends contacted me and supported me and i supported her and she is sending things that he made for me (drawings and such) and we just got talking. she's been a big help but he told me that in november/december his father was killed in a car accident and his mother had a heart attack earlier this year. when i told her that i supported him with that she told me that his parents are alive and fine. He lied to me. This has actually killed me even more inside. i may be a messed up person in general but i have lost my teenage years to people who lie to me and hurt me. But i cant deal with people who i thought loved me either as a lover or a friend would lie and hurt me in such a way because they either find it funny, amuse them or get some weird kick in hurting others.

2-

I was in a very abusive relationship (mostly mentaly but some physical) i was cheated on from the minute i accepted the offer of boyfriend-girlfriend status. what made it worse i was pressured to end the perfectly fine relationship i was in to the stupid trap that he lead me into. i was told i was fat. a bitch and a whore and even spat on after relations. i couldnt wear makeup or the things that made me happy. At some points no wasn't even a word to him. most the time i fantasised of suicide jumping out infront of passing cars or even hurting him by eatting peanuts and kissing him (things were that bad) but i was stuck. At one point on of the girls he was cheating on with me was with me in the same room and they constatly went to the kitchen to kiss. i caught them but because he had me full of alcohol and whatever was he put in my tabs (i had to quite in fear i'd be drugged again) i belived whatever crap he said to me even though i knew it was all wrong. i lost a hell of a lot of friends but only the true ones stayed and helped me get out of the hell.

im sorry if i've wasted your time rambling on and such but i can't keep these up inside anymore im having night terrors still although these things happened years ago. im hurting myself, my health and im pretty sure the people around me and i cant deal with it anymore. some days are ok and others are that bad i consider either hurting myself so bad or even suicide. but i cannot bring myself too it.

[harrassedmom]

Don't apologise for time wasting sharing your story is helpfully for you and the group x Over the years I have had friends that lie and when you are young naive and trusting (all of which good traits) they can catch you out. Over time you learn to spot them but beware of becoming too suspicious else you can get isolated. They can spot us nice guys from miles away, I used to think I had an invisible tattoo of SAP on my head that only they could read! Now I only choose friends that are not energy thieves, relationships need balance.

There are more nice people out there that horrible remember that and more hugs h