Hope still exists.

[Winterhart]

I find it funny sometimes that I still have so much hope. After every time I have been knocked down I am still here, fighting. Every time my family pushed me down I got up, every time I was dying inside from hurtful things I got back up.

I do not mean to question hidden strength. I just wonder where it is coming from? It took so much to go no contact with my family. Every ounce or courage I had to leave and go into hiding. But here I am.

Does it still hurt what they did to almost make me homeless? Yes. Does it hurt that they tried to have me 51/50ed and when that did not work they tried to have me arrested? Yes. But my Doctor signed those papers to give me back my own life and the conservatorship was over and I got married and I packed all my stuff up and ran as far away as we could pay for. And I have not spoken to them in 2 years now.

Sometimes it feels amazing that I can now be myself. That I am ok, but I have nagging thoughts constantly. What if they try and track me down? But I changed my name and I doubt they could, but the paranoid thoughts keep coming back. One of my family members threatened to kill me. I know he can not, but it scares me. I never want to be near any of them again.

People tell me I should forgive them because they are family. No they were never family. They did the bare minimum. And what was allowed to happen should never happen to any child again. Child abuse should have more consequences than it does. As those who survive it, have a life sentence of mental illness and trust issues that last a lifetime.

[CL3V3R-G1RL]

I have a sister named JG and I can't forgive. I have tried. I am very understanding about her mental illness. She's bipolar with paranoia. Isn't medicated. I get all that. However just because she has mental illness doesn't give her a pass. She is a very narcissistic, immature and unkind person. I've tried to be forgiving and was working towards that. But she pulled a stunt last Christmas where I was in the middle of dealing with emetophobia and trying not to die. Trying to find new professionals to help me. She messaged me trying to be caring. But it was just her talking about herself and her struggles. By the time she started to make her way to the point, I stopped her and said I needed to put up a boundary cause I couldn't listen to her go on about her trials and tribulations on Christmas night. She got upset and went off saying that she was trying to get me to talk to her. And that she was better than me and when I want to talk to her, she'll be there.

Like WTF. She just wanted to be nosey about my issue and not really help. She could have done a million different things like say "hey I know I'm the last person you may want to talk to about personal stuff because of what I did before. I know I have to earn back your trust. But I just wanted to say if you want to talk I'm always here." That could have been a nice thing to say. But she didn't . And I've told my mom it's official. Relationship between her and I is dead in the water. I tried for my mom because my mom wanted us to end this beef that my sister started. Our mom knows this. I did my best but yeah I can't forgive her. My sister has done so much damage and doesn't take any ownership of it.

So yeah I'm there with ya. I can't forgive her and I don't care if she is "family".

[Winterhart in reply to CL3V3R-G1RL]

Yes I have learned that blood does not always mean family.

[Light21]

Winterhart,

You ask: I do not mean to question hidden strength. I just wonder where it is coming from?

It’s coming from the inside of you. You are such a strong person and you should be so proud of yourself for having the courage to get away from your abusive family.

I’m sorry that you had to go through all that you have. In the end it made you a stronger person.

You’ve got this.

😊

[Winterhart in reply to Light21]

Thank you. I think I needed to hear someone else say that.

[Light21 in reply to Winterhart]

Winterhart,

You’re welcome and I truly believe that you are a very strong woman. You did a very hard thing to get away from your family. A lot of people couldn’t do what you did.

Wishing you much happiness!

❤️😊

[ALLSTAR44]

Hi Winterhart ! The reason you have hope because there is a Heavenly father and Jesus Christ. I won't say more unless you choose to ask me. What kind of handy work do you do. Yes mdd is horrible I have it too im almost 44 next Monday! Wish I could give you a hug and tell you that I love you!Glad you are still here me too ! And everyday is a struggle. Sometimes I don't even want to be alive! Hope you have a good day ! I had chocolate cake yesterday my happy place and dr pepper zero.

[Winterhart in reply to ALLSTAR44]

Happy almost birthday. And no I think me and religion are not going to be friends, but thank you for your kind words. I do many crafts. I try it all as much as I can.

[ALLSTAR44 in reply to Winterhart]

What's your favorite

[Winterhart in reply to ALLSTAR44]

Wow that is a toss up between amigurumi, regular stuffed animal making and jewelry making. All three are very entertaining to do, and you get a really nice finished product to share or wear.

[Light21 in reply to ALLSTAR44]

Love chocolate cake but no Dr Pepper for me I’m a coke lady . Happy early birthday!

🙏🙏😊

[fauxartist]

There's a famous saying in Japan that translates;'Fall down 6 times and get up 7'....that's my definition too with my life. I just keep getting up.

[Winterhart in reply to fauxartist]

Yes it is odd how some of us do that. Just keep pushing that bolder up that mountain, or three steps forward 2 back, but you gained one. I just wish it would be easier for a little bit. Like I wish for one easy year where everything fell into place without a horrid struggle.

[Light21 in reply to fauxartist]

Faux artist,

That’s a good way to look at things.

😊

[PoSt1MaNPaT1]

Love your story,I had to get away from my family as well it was also linked to child abuse,it was hard but after a while you realise it was the best thing to do.I have severe mental health problems because of what i've been through with family.Well done to you for getting away and making a life for yourself.GOOD LUCK FOR THE FUTURE😘

[Light21 in reply to PoSt1MaNPaT1]

PoSt1Man,

Congratulations on getting away from your abusive family. What you did is amazing, a lot of people can’t take that step. That takes serious strength.

😊

[PoSt1MaNPaT1 in reply to Light21]

Thank you so much your reply means a lot to me it's made me a bit emotional but at the same time giving me the strength to keep telling myself that I done the right thing and that I had done nothing wrong and that my life is better without them even though I still have depression and anxiety.My mum called me and my sister liars when we told her that we were sexually abused by my dad but when he died she had the nerve to come and ask me what happened,how evil is that.I had help from one of my friends that i've known from school she knew everything that happened and she was there for me when I needed someone to talk to,we are still friends and she still takes the time to phone me everyday to see how I am,unfortunately a lot of people who are suffering abuse don't have anyone to turn to for help,it breaks my heart to read posts like this.I WISH ANYBODY WHO' SUFFERING ANY SORT OF ABUSE THE STRENGTH AND COURAGE TO GET AWAY FROM THERE ABUSER.

[Light21 in reply to PoSt1MaNPaT1]

Post,

I’m glad that you know just how strong that you are. Don’t you ever forget that.

That’s horrifying that your dad sexually abused you and your sister and your mom did nothing about it. It is unforgivable that after he was dead your mom would ask you what happened. That had to really mess you up even more.

I’m so so sorry that you and your sister had to live with that man.

I’m happy that you have a friend that you can talk to. That’s a blessing.

I hope that your depression and anxiety ease.

Please let us know how you are doing.

Hugs to you

😊

[PoSt1MaNPaT1 in reply to Light21]

Thank you so much for your reply it's the second message that has made me feel emotional but not in an upset way,it's giving me the strength to carry on and making me feel proud of what i've achieved.You have a special way of replying to people if you know what I mean it really does make me think and that people do care.Thankyou I'm not very good at times at putting my thoughts in to words,I think what i'm trying to say is some people's reply have an i instant affect on you.Have a nice day,take ❤

[Light21 in reply to PoSt1MaNPaT1]

Awww that was so sweet of you to say. You made my day by being so kind.

I have always cared deeply about others. I’ve fought depression/anxiety for over 30 years now.

My family just doesn’t get it. It’s nice to be in a group where people just get it because they’ve walked the same walk.

Have a great day 😊❤️

[Winterhart]

Thank you. Families can do so much harm, but some can do so much good. It is a luck of the draw I guess. What makes me sad is that my mum who allowed the abuse and abused me mentally herself, had an idyllic childhood. Or so many in that family that are long since gone have told me over the years. I just do not know how a childhood like that could produce a monster.

[Light21 in reply to Winterhart]

Winterhart,

I’m sorry that your mom allowed the abuse and abused you mentally herself.

Maybe things weren’t as idlic as people have told you. I’m not sticking up for your mom, what she did was very wrong.

I guess what I’m saying is maybe she had a mental illness herself or was abused. Abuse seems to run in families.

Hugs to you!

[Winterhart in reply to Light21]

Maybe. I will never know now. My Aunts and uncles are all dead. I do have cousins, but have long since lost track of all of them. I have one Aunt alive, but only by marriage, she would know nothing of my mum's up bringing. Anymore I no longer care. Mental illness is no excuse for abuse. I did not abuse my child and I am mentally ill. So it is what it is. I am just glad with all my heart that they are out of my life. I will not miss a single one, and I will never go near them again.

[Light21 in reply to Winterhart]

Winterhart,

You’re right mental illness is no reason to abuse your children. I’m glad that you got away from them and are never going back. I take it your mom is deceased?

You are a very strong person. I hope that you have other people in your life that you can talk to.

I hope that you find happiness. You so deserve it.

😊

[Winterhart in reply to Light21]

I have no idea is she is alive or dead. I went no contact 2 years ago. She was 80 then and as I do not talk to any family at all. I have no clue at all. But in the end, I think after 52 years of abuse I no longer care. I know that sounds harsh, and people will say, but she is my mother. No she lost that title when she abused and let others abuse me. She is only my egg donor now.

[Kittykat55]

Winterhart,

I have had similar experiences. I have had to rely on inner strength to guide me through my struggles with mental illness, namely anxiety and depression. It has been helpful to me to remember that feelings are not facts and to give my energy to positive people who will build me up and avoid toxic people who tear me down. I wish you the best.

[Light21 in reply to Kittykat55]

I’m glad that you pointed out that feeling are not facts. I needed to hear that today.

😊