Hard to tell

[Lifesearching]

does anyone know how to tell if someone is telling the truth or has good intentions? It’s so difficult for me to discern people’s true intentions nowadays I’ve never had such a hard time using my intuition. For example, I have this manager who gave me this super generous birthday gift! I felt so happy, but lately very confused because the manager takes days or even forgets to approve my vacation. She acted super excited to support me on a project but called in sick the day of. Or sometimes I get this “hunch” someone close could be lying to me but I’ve been thru so much that I don’t know if it’s my past fears coming back to haunt me.

Another one is where this girl at work has been asking me super personal questions, about everything from my bf to my family to what town I’m in. I took it as her trying to get to know me, but when it comes to actually getting the job done she has been distant or sick, and has thrown out some pretty sneaky comments about how I should be backing her up or waiting for her part before I can get mine done.

It’s just been weirdness and I genuinely don’t even know anymore with people. My heart deep down wants to believe people around me are genuine and give them the benefit of the doubt (they had a bad day, actually are sick, etc) but I’m having a very difficult time because of my past but also bec their actions and words are just not matching. Or is it just me??

I’ve reached a point I just don’t have much patience for sneakiness because in real life I’m a very transparent person who doesn’t have a double life or malicious intent. Sometimes I even go as far as think my coworkers would call out sick just so I can have extra work! It feels like I’m going crazy wondering who around me is even real or wants to see my grow at all or if they even like me to be honest. Most times I play dumb if I know people are just trying to get under my skin but other times I am completely clueless of their intentions. Especially the super extra extra nice people I’m scared of bec I naturally just wonder if they’re covering something up

[Alpakka123]

"....but also bec their actions and words are just not matching". These words cause something to happen within me. Not sure what except to want to say "yes, this is for sure the start of a red flag. Pay attention to this".It's very hard to tell, tbh. I thought everyone had good intentions towards me until I was blind-sided some years ago. We want to believe that everyone is good, but I like you have found out the hard way that this is unfortunately wishful thinking. Now I do believe that previous experience does color our perception. For example, I'm now finding myself weary of some others' intentions to the point of getting verbal confirmation from others "hey, what's your experience with so-and-so and can they be trusted?"

Pay close attention to your intuition as well. Heed red flags. The person who became my abuser did and said things throughout our "friendship" that I knew were red flags, but I chose not to need them.

[Lifesearching in reply to Alpakka123]

I’m so sorry you were blindsided😔I know how that feels and I hope you found much better people after that! Thank you for understanding me, because there were times I even brought things like that up to my old therapist. And she even told me I was overthinking it sometimes, crazy! I get it I’m healing but definitely not crazy or slow. I might definitely try to ask others if the person I’m connected to has any mutual friends, thank you🙏🏽🙏🏽it’s mostly this friend/work connection (the one who keeps asking personal questions(who I’m raising my eyebrow around)

[Alpakka123 in reply to Lifesearching]

You're very welcome, my dear.One test you can do is to tell to stop (ie. give her a boundary) and see how she reacts. Seeing her reaction would give you your answer as to whether or not she's a true friend. A true friend will accept your boundaries.

Thanks for your words. It was incredibly awful (to put it lightly). I gave her a boundary and, instead of accepting it, she punished me.

[blackcat64013]

Alpakka123 is so right. In general, judge each situation on its merits. As you don't quite know what's going to happen in the future, it might help to keep a journal so that you can get your present thoughts out of your head onto paper at the end of the day. The added bonus is if the proverbial hits the fans, you have a record.

If you think your past is influencing the present, perhaps a session or two with a therapist might be a good idea. Free confidential counselling is often provided by an employer through their Employee Assistance Program , if they have one.

[Lifesearching in reply to blackcat64013]

Been thinking about going back to therapy, I’ve gotten more comfortable posting here because I actually get responses lol. I hav me to get back to journaling for sure

[-Charlie]

Hi Lifesearching,

I believe people are innately good so I tend to trust more often than not which sometimes leads to disappointment. But I’d much rather trust and be proven wrong though than to not trust at all.

If something about someone feels off, wrong, or too good to be true, it probably is. Try to keep a light heart about it and let your intuition guide you. There’s good people out there, You’ll find them all in good time. Quality over quantity is what’s important. If their actions don’t match their words, they’re probably not people you need in your life. Try not to over analyze it though as you’ll drive yourself crazy trying to figure people out.

Something my dad told me when I was a little kid was to be leary of people who don’t like small children or animals. I thought it was strange at the time but it proved to be a good broad type of gauge into someone’s inner nature 😉

Those are my thoughts without getting specific as I could write a book on the things I don’t understand about people’s words vs actions vs behaviors. It can be mind boggling sometimes for sure!

Best to you!

[Lifesearching in reply to -Charlie]

I really like that point about being trusting rather than not trusting. I feel like moving with an open heart always wins in the end🙏🏽I’m just having a really hard time trying to get rid of friends who are just acting plain weird. They keep clinging to me but at the same time insult me or make me feel small🥺it’s like they act super nice but the next moment are back to being passive aggressive

[-Charlie in reply to Lifesearching]

That’s not good - sounds exhausting and anxiety inducing. You deserve better. I agree with Alpakka123 about putting up boundaries. It’s a sure fire way of seeing who has your best interest at heart and who needs to go. Here’s a good Mel Robbin’s video you might find helpful.

youtu.be/ajBK8Grwp0M?si=ofR...(Not working as expected?)

[Italianmomma]

No your not crazy. I think for you it's more of a trust issue.

Your not to sure what to say and if you trust them to say it too.

Do you know this friend at work well?

Do you trust her to tell her about your personal life?

[Lifesearching in reply to Italianmomma]

I can’t tell with the friend. She acts really confident when other people are around but if it’s me and her alone it’s like weird and passive aggressive 🥺I don’t know how to get rid of her😢because she’s well connected to people I know. It feels like I’m being forced to collaborate with her and she acts all nice in front of people🥺so if I say no it’s gonna look like I’m the mean one🥺I don’t trust her at all honestly because she is very quick to want to know about my personal life from my bf to my brothers to where I live yet she’s “disappeared” when we have to collaborate I’m legitimately freaked out and this doesn’t happen often it takes a lot to get under my skin

[Italianmomma]

If you don't trust her then I would try not to tell or say to much to her. Maybe try to change the subject when she asks you questions that you don't want to answer. Or tell her your to busy to talk right now. Especially if she's making you uncomfortable.

I'm sorry that your having to deal with this.

Hopefully she will get the hint and stop asking.

Good luck❣️🙏

[Lifesearching in reply to Italianmomma]

And the thing is she knows she’s doing it, right after she asks a personal question she apologizes for asking it’s like if you know it’s personal why ask! At first I thought she didn’t know. I thought I had my “soul tribe” but lately have been rethinking every person in my inner circle who says they’re on my side I just don’t know but thank you for just responding and your advice🙏🏽🥺💙

[Italianmomma]

Good point why ask?Just be cautious with people.

If you ever doubt them they I wouldn't say to much.

It's hard to trust people. You just don't know if their loyal and have your best interest. But once they betray me then I know not to say much to them. Nothing personal for sure.

Great talking with you always.❤️🤗