sadness

[Fearnoone]

I’ve been married for 33 years. I have four successful children. I’ve been on medication for over ten years. I completed over 30 years in Law Enforcement. I have had my up and down, but several days I had a misunderstanding with my oldest. We have always been a family of respect and love. My children have always and still are good to me, but my oldest didn’t forgive me for this recent disagreement. For some reason a switch click in my brain and I can’t eat, stop crying etc. My other children found out about the disagreement and it appears to me they are keeping a distance. I just need to get my self together.

[Xene]

Kids! Can’t live with them, Can’t live without them, no matter what age they are. What I have learnt whether as an adult or as a parent sometimes we have to offer an “Olive branch” whether we’re right or possibly wrong, as the longer it goes on and when it does finally get resolved the relationship never goes back to how it was before. I’m sure there are all sorts of varying opinions plus it would depend on what the disagreement was about but sometimes we have to swallow our pride or not. Welcome to our forum too.

[Fearnoone in reply to Xene]

Thank you. I'm trying. I drove to his house that night to apologize and he basically shut the door on me, which is something I would never have done to my father, right or wrong. During our disagreement he told me he was not a kid, and I responded by saying he would always be a kid to me. I didn't mean it the way he took it. I first text him my apologizes, when he didn't respond I drove to his home and his response broke my heart.

[Fearnoone in reply to Fearnoone]

This is the holiday season, and Christmas is always done at my house with the rest of the children. I'm not sure he's coming over, which breaks my wife's heart. I think she blames me. All this is giving me anxiety and making me depress. I haven't felt this way since 2011. I feel so bad that I started drinking to calm me down. I need to stop and be strong, I really do. I just became a grandfather to twins and I don't want my daughter to keep them away from me. I really hurts, right or wrong, is that I provided for them thru college. They all went to prestige University, Pepperdine, Berkeley, GW, SDSU, Ut Austin. My wife tells me that's a father's job. Like I said in my profile I was in Law Enforcement for over three decays. I work several specialize units, even work in Mexico for a year, right or wrong I believe children should recognize what parents do and that we are not perfect.

[Xene in reply to Fearnoone]

Ooops, yeah I know, our kids will always be our kids no matter what age they are, till the day we die. Maybe you should have let the dust settle a little before going round but he’s your son and you know his character. You could try writing him a letter, telling him how you feel about him, yes he should know but sometimes it’s good to see it in writing. Hopefully it will blow over soon. Surely your wife can help too. Good Luck.

[Fearnoone in reply to Xene]

Thank You! Writing a letter sounds like a great idea.

[Franklin68 in reply to Fearnoone]

Yes. It does give us a chance to express our feelings and thoughts exactly how we intend. Discussions can get thrown off track by many things, such as tone of voice.

I also agree with maybe giving it time. It might not matter what you write, if he is not in the state of mind to read it as it is intended.

Sometimes, it was appropriate for me to ask for the time to come talk and then have them read the letter in front of me

That way my emotions and their possible reactions , as we are talking don’t get in the way of my true feelings I’m trying to be expressed and I’m right their for them to hopefully respond in kind

[Midori in reply to Fearnoone]

I have the same from my daughter, in fact I left my home and moved to another area entirely, with just my son /carer. We are much happier now.

Cheers, Midori

[GentleBreeze786]

It's normal for the oldest child to always disagree with the parents.

It's how they draw attention towards their own opinions and expect that parents will listen to them and view them as a separate person and not an extension of the parents' personalities.

It'll only become a problem if you don't allow space to your oldest child to grow up make their own decisions and face the consequences without your help.

It's possible he/she is just testing you. It would be better if you stop giving him/her attention and focus on your other children.

Things will be normal again soon. 😁

[catsrock]

Being a parent is the hardest job ever. You can't control about your child forgiving you, but you can forgive yourself. It sounds like you are doing everything you can to rectify the situation. I hope you can talk to someone about it besides your other kids as that would probably be messy IMHO. I hope things are better soon.

[Icare67]

I really appreciate the effort you have put into making restitution. Sounds like it may take some time. Like you mentioned about your twin granddaughters , Congratulations! Be there for them , I helped so much with my twin granddaughters. Hopefully there will be some healing before Christmas.