Struggling yet doing my best to stay positive

[nchauf]

I am going through a tough time right now. I can't seem to get back on track. I want to tackle addictive issues first before I start really working on my mental health yet I keep going back to my addictive behaviors. It seems like I have no ability to control myself. I feel as if my addictive behaviors affect my mental health and vice versa. So maybe the two are intertwined. I get depressed after I indulge in addictive behavior and sometimes just want to do nothing even though I know there is a ton of things I can do. I have a lot to work on but sometimes I just feel so lazy. I hate myself for this sometimes. Ugh, I just wish I could get it together. I want to have victory over these issues so bad. I want to manage my mental health effectively and quit these dumbass addictions. I feel stifled and lifeless at times. I want vitality. I want to overcome. I am working towards my goals and still have a positive outlook on life yet I feel as if I am dealing with stress in negative, unproductive ways. Maybe I need more coping skills. When I act out addictively, I feel as if I am in control and I like that. However, it makes me feel depressed after the high wears off and all of my problems come running back to me. It gets me anxious and depressed when this happens. I need to learn how to deal with my problems productively and tackle stress with positive coping skills. I have control issues due to my childhood. I never had any control over my life as a kid. I was sheltered and was never able to figure out who I was. This led to me having multiple identities to where I am exhausted because I don't know which one to be. I am confused about who I want to become and what I stand for. I feel as if I have a spirituality but sometimes I struggle with not living according to it sometimes which I guess is normal. Yet I believe in it and because I believe in it, I literally can't give up on it. It has stuck with me because it has only helped me in the long run. I have personality disorder unspecified, schizoaffective disorder depressive type, anxiety, and probably other things. I feel so mentally awkward and deficient. I am still somewhat intelligent and can manage my mental illness to a good degree. I am on the right meds and get therapy. My first name means victory and I want to have victory. I feel like if I set my mind to accomplish something and the struggle to get there is harder than I thought it was, I get very depressed because I want results. I think I can accomplish things quickly and get depressed and anxious when things don't go as planned. I am making progress but I want to make quicker progress. I think I have more in store for me than to keep letting depression and other things tear me down. I have been rambling but kudos to you if you kept on reading. I like posting on here. It is kind of like a journal for me.

[LoveforAll41]

Howdy nchauf. Sounds like you have a lot going on and are working hard... Sometimes I struggle with just wanting to work hard and don't work smarter. For me tackling my mental health first has always led to better outcomes with my bad behaviors, but we are all different. I hope you can appreciate the progress you have made and give yourself what you really need. I appreciate you being here.☮️

[Stippler]

Stay with it nchauf, and don't give up. Dual diagnosis can be a bear. I see you as working hard and doing your best to conquer it. You are in my thoughts.

[frailstateofmind44]

hi there, I really struggle with addictive behaviors too. I could instantly relate when I read "I feel as if my addictive behaviors affect my mental health and vice versa". I often find myself using alcohol to cope with the feelings of numbness or to calm my anxiety but the problem is I have a hard time controlling how much I consume. Then I’ll usually wake up the next morning feeling physically awful and hating myself for drinking that much. It feels like a constant cycle of bad decisions and guilt and it’s really hard to navigate especially when we’re already dealing with so many other problems mentally. Hang in there and reach out if you ever feel like chatting with someone who gets it. You’re definitely not alone