55 year old married “ok happy” for 36 years - 3 adult married children and one new grandchild. I have had successful career in education. Nice house, car paid off and should be content but not. I started in therapy almost 20 years ago with male therapist. It wasn’t good fit for me - too much transference. Moved over to a female therapist and been consistent almost every week for last 10 years. I have had about numerous “diagnosis” - BDD, Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, BPD, Bipolar, OCD, autism - and dozens of different meds. Self Hospitalizations when needed. I still don’t understand who I am. It has been a bad week, I took it out on my therapist after I started to tell her my deepest secret after 10 years of needing to trust her. Now I feel like the only solution is to never see her again - I don’t want to tell her I don’t want to see her because that would be a lie - so I let her know I was leaving for her sake. Now I want to get rid of everything else good in my life - marriage, job, personal care, etc. Is this self punishment or poor coping skills or do sometimes we need to make major changes to find out who we are and what will actually make us happy to the core? Am I the only one that wants a clean slate?
Anyone else constantly asking “Who am... - Anxiety and Depre...
Anyone else constantly asking “Who am I?””
Hi. I'm sorry to hear about your struggle. I too am in a similar situation. I have a beautiful home, a beautiful wife, a wonderful son (12 next week), and an adorable Boston Terrier puppy. I have a good state career with a pension and phenomenal benefits, a wonderful house, and I even own my own successful HVAC business for supplemental income. I have it all from the outside. But I'm tormented on the inside with constant unrelenting anxiety. It's all day every day. From the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep (if I even can fall asleep). The anxiety gets so bad that I begin to feel disconnected from reality and, yes, begin to wonder who the heck I even am. I don't get it... it's like I'm being tortured. I can't be present anymore in any situation and I'm unable to enjoy anything. I don't feel like I need to drop everything and make a change to figure things out; I just want to be happy with what I have. Because I know I have some wonderful blessings. It sounds like you've been quite blessed as well. I know it's hard to feel that way when you're suffering, but I guess we just keep need to pushing forward and stay faithful that things will work out. I recently heard the phrase health is wealth, and there's no more true a statement. I'd give anything to feel healthy again. To feel mentally well. I think we focus on external factors when things are going wrong, but peace I truly believe peace is attained from within. I'm clearly no guru, since I'm a psychological mess right now, but maybe I'll learn through practice or therapy how to heal myself from within one day. I hope you figure yourself out too.
Reading this really helped. You were able to articulate how I feel. I think one problem that comes to mind as I type is that for me. I have almost no alone time. I have no time to decompress and unpack everything going on around me and how to manage all this pain and anxiety. Maybe writing or crafting the space and time to reflect on how to have peace would be a good start. I don't know. Sorry if this wasn't helpful, this is my first reply.
I'm glad it helped. And your reply was just fine. Don't worry.
Thank you! It has always been a curse of mine that I am very aware of what I am thinking and doing and try hard to mask it which is exhausting.
Sorry hit end before I finished - I did recently put together a journal and sensory items in a metal box that I created with a lock to try and be myself somewhere but I’m still so afraid of emotions and not being able to turn them off It really isn’t helping yet.
What emotions are you afraid of?
Sadness and anger - I’m afraid If I started crying to really feel it I would have to yell, cry out loud and the same with anger - afraid I would want to smash things or hit myself or my husband. I also have had major eye issues so I am afraid of physically crying - I got sick the other night and was afraid of popping my current bad eye when throwing up. So I feel stuck - I do often look forward to online therapy when nobody is home and I can maybe express myself for real but I never do. I tried so hard last 2 weeks in therapy - I actually sat on the floor to feel safe and began self harming in front of therapist on my hand. Sadly it started a major breakthrough that I am now afraid to face - and self sabotaging my relationship with therapist. It’s a horrible, cycle of manipulation and fear.
I appreciate your honesty. You seem to be pretty good at expressing your emotions to me. And you're very self aware. What do you think your trouble showing emotions stem from? Has it always been this way? Or is it something that's developed recently due to the stress of your circumstances?
I have always been this way - my father was a police chief and worked all the time and my family never talked about emotions. They hid from each other for years - I found out I had an older sister that was institutionalized at age 3 only 5 miles away when I was 15 and didn’t get to meet her until 30 on my own. I was an oops at 40 - 11-15 years younger than my siblings. I grew up fast on my own and got engaged in high school and married at 19. 3 great kids and well educated and good solid job. In the past I pushed myself too hard and did too much and overwhelmed and lost myself, job and friends. I Have had a nice life, but never happy for too long. I am always about making other people happy to my own expense.
I think maybe I have too much alone time. I can’t work because of my anxiety and depression and social anxiety. I have no desire to do anything. I only leave the house for groceries and doctor appointments. I finally feel comfortable in my own backyard. We have friends over now and I sit in the house. I’m getting better when friends come over though. I can stay outside until too many people come and it gets too loud. Then my anxiety kicks in and I have to go inside.
I am very similar - I used to love hosting parties but now I never invite anyone over here. I am having a hard time finding absolute alone time so I can act on my emotions and actually cry for as long as I need to. Today i went out far into the woods to write in my journal and ran into several people. I need to find a quiet space of my own
Thanks - I also have been dealing with significant health issues - digestion/celiac disease - thought I was actually dying other night. Almost had to call 911. And sudden eye issues - 3 emergency retina surgeries and 2 cataract surgeries over last 7 months with me being “legally blind” a lot of the time. So my “normal”lifestyle has changed significantly with added medical issues that have distracted me from helping myself mentally. Lashed out at therapist and can’t put it into words how sorry I am that I would rather just drop her after 10 years. I would take health over wealth anyday! Thanks needed to connect with someone tonight before a long night.
Sorry to hear about your health issues. I know how that can cause high anxiety. I've had my fair share - encephalitis, brain tumor, bacterial meningitis (coma for 5 days nearly died), multiple seizures from epilepsy and two car accidents from seizures - one resulting in a brain bleed. I'm sure this trauma contributes to my anxiety, but I still know what feeling well feels like and I believe I can get back there. I wish everyone the best. This was a great little chat.
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