I evidently joined HealthUnlocked 4 years ago when thing were going badly for me, but things picked up, and I let my membership lapse. Well, I'm back again.
Things have been going badly for me since August, a combination of health issues, a hurricane, recovering from the hurricane, attempting to change professions, finding that the change hasn't worked, being in a hit-and-run accident that caused PTSD. I see a psychiatrist for my long-time clinical depression and panic/anxiety disorder, and I'm on meds which worked well until things started going south. I started seeing a counselor for the PTSD (I became afraid of driving), and now we've begun talking about my other issues. She doesn't seem to be helping me, or perhaps I'm understanding what she's saying. To me, it's all words that mean nothing.
I've gone back to my previous career of many years--freelance editor, indexer, proofreader, translator--but work is currently scarce. A project is due to show up on Friday, and I'm hopeful that'll improve my mood. I like to be busy.
I have hobbies that I usually enjoy (knitting, needlepoint, caring for and playing with my eight cats and one dog, walking my dog, going out with friends Friday nights to play Scrabble and Parcheesi and any other game we can think of at a local coffee house), but I am finding no interest in any of them. I have a loving and understanding husband of many years who also has clinical depression. Nothing seems to help my perpetual state of gloom and dread. I couldn't even get out of bed this morning to walk my dog. I wish I could just sleep all day long.
I am also struggling with my age. How did I get to be 71, when I feel so much younger inside? Friends (geographically distant, alas) urge me to retire, but I think I'd go completely mad with nothing organized to do. Or they suggest I get a "fun, little job," when at the moment nothing whatsoever seems remotely fun.
If my mood doesn't improve when my freelance project shows up on Friday, my psychiatrist has suggested going back on Wellbutrin, which I was able to stop taking many months ago. I'm also on Trintellix (antidepressant), Abilify (very low dose; a mood stabilizer; if I increase the dosage, I gain a lot of weight, which is depressing), and clonazepam (for panic/anxiety disorder). I'm also on meds for high blood pressure and high cholesterol. Ugh.
Anyway, I'm sure I've bored you enough with this long litany of grievances. Thank you so much for listening.
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KatzAndDogz
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hi Katz and dogs, I am sorry to hear all the anxiety is coming back. I have an enormous list of meds for chronic pain, hypertension, and depression. I feel old too,at 63. I have been unable to work since I was 48 due to arthritis taking over my body. I’m in alot of pain now and have to really try not to get depressed. I did laundry today and plan on cooking dinner. These are things I can do on a good day. I also had a car experience this summer, my engine caught on fire while my husband and I were driving home from my dr. check up. I am rarely driving my new car, my husband drives more now. I feel like a shut in. My dog Buddy is the best, never leaves my side especially when I am depressed or hurting alot. I get anxious just thinking about his age9. You are lucky you can still work and enjoy your job. My grandma lived to 102. She always said she still feels like a young woman inside. Now I am boring you lol. I hope you are feeling better today. Sending a hug and a smile🫂☺️
Sugaree, thank you so much for writing! I am so sorry that you're suffering from chronic pain and hypertension, in addition to depression. Depression is bad enough! And your automobile experience sounds horrific! I am so glad that you have Buddy. Is he a big dog or a little dog? He probably has many years to live. We have a 13-year-old Pomeranian, Sadie, and we adopted her one year ago. She is so hilarious, spunky, feisty, fun, and stubborn. She'd sit with me all day if she could. But when I have work to do, I'm out in my office, which is a separate building (a mother-in-law suite that the people we bought the house from built), and my cat Dave lives out there. Dave is just one of our 8 (!) cats. He's terrified of everything, so much so that he can't be with the other cats and the dog in the house. If he's in the house, he hides, won't eat, and won't drink. So I see Sadie about every hour when I'm working; she has a tiny bladder, and I need to take her out frequently. I don't get out much, either. I seem to have made very few friends in the 30+ years I've lived here, and besides, I work from home anyway. (I don't always enjoy my job, but the good projects I work on usually outnumber the bad. Although of late the projects I've gotten have been pretty nightmarish.) BTW, you are not boring me in the least! I was delighted and grateful to hear from you, and I hope to hear from you again! (I'm 71, and I am constantly amazed, and not pleasantly, that I'm this ancient. I need to change my attitude about aging, but I have no idea how to do so.)
Thank you so much for your kind words, Rufus! They're greatly appreciated!
You seem to have so much going for you - friends, social groups, husband job, etc. Sounds perfect to me, but I completely understand not enjoying any of it. Truly heartbreaking. Sounds like your depression is kicking in again. Adjusting to getting older is so hard to do - it's just loss after loss, and no gaining back any of it. I just can't accept it, along with depression and lack of energy. Good luck to you, and you seem to know what might work best for you.
Thank you so much for replying. I really don't have any social groups. I have two friends; that's it for 30+ years of living here. Try as I have, I haven't been able to meet people. It's amazing that I actually know these two people! Working from home usually keeps me from feeling lonely. But I haven't had any freelance projects since August, and that's made me really upset, lonely, and feeling alone. I had a miserable childhood--years of psychological abuse from my mother and her mother; my father died when I wasn't quite 8, and he was the only good influence in my life--and I know my mother and her mother are still "renting space" in my brain, telling me how worthless I am.
Thanks for writing me.... I've lived here three years - FL - and no friends; they'll wave to me, but don't want to get to know anyone. I'm always the one to reach out to one neighbor, but she'll never approach me on her own. Anyway, it's no wonder you have depression, with terrible beginnings in life. Must have been so devastating to lose your father at such a young age. Makes me realize that the confident, happy people I see must not have been treated that way , or had the losses you had. I'm similar to you, very abusive parents, no love or affection, regularly being hit, also this in Catholic school, and years of incest that I never told anyone about. You can see it's not our fault for being depressed, but people just naturally blame themselves for not being like everyone else. Strange how abusive people "rent space in your head", I can't get these people out of my mind. It's the hurt and rejection that make me so sad. Anyway, it makes me feel good to write to you, and hear your story......
Joemama, thank you so much for writing! It's greatly appreciated. I'll reply as soon as I'm able to. A freelance project showed up several days early, I haven't slept well for two nights in a row (don't know why, but I do get attacks of insomnia from time to time), and I've gotta force myself to work on this proofreading. So I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Thanks again for writing!
You have had a lot to contend with and your depression and anxiety seem well earned. However, it seems to me that you are relying too heavily on medications as a solution.
I too take meds for anxiety and also bipolar 2 disorder. I recently had to retire from a life-long professional career and go onto SS Disability. It has been hard because I really liked my work and planned to keep working part-time past retirement age.
I was depressed by my new circumstances, largely because I had nothing to fill that space. I am 65 and have few friends. I began a list of those things that I have wanted to do but put off. I began life drawings classes and continuing to work on a novel I started years ago. My wife works from home three weeks per month and then spends a week per month at her office several hours drive away.
I began feeling lonely, especially since I was stranded without a car, as we only have one car. I found doing projects around the house and continuing my hobbies was very helpful. We recently got a dog from a rescue as a companion for me. She is great. All of this has really helped pick up my spirits.
I have stage 4 prostate cancer. The disease and drugs, plus insomnia, give me daytime fatigue, so I take naps and my dog sleeps on the floor next to my bed. I get out for walks every day. These activities may not fit your needs but are examples of ways to reduce your depression and anxiety.
I advise trying new things that interest you. It can be a time to explore new things, travel , join a book club, find a Meet-Up group with similar interests , etc.
Thank you so very much for replying to me, DMT! I will reply as soon as I can. Really appreciate hearing from you.
You are right, no one had a perfect family, but not everyone had the extremely abusive one, with suicide attempts and hospitalizations, in addition to all else mentioned. I'm not an attention seeker or sob sister, just saying the way it is. I never said "everyone else is happy" but me. Please don't pick people apart who are only trying to have a little relief from depression. It's common sense that FB people only put up the happy looking posts. A mature person would not look here to be judgemental, or to give unasked-for advice. I'm sure you meant well......
I don't think your reply is to me, Joemama, but to someone else. I definitely realize that we're all here because we are not happy and are suffering from the miseries of clinical depression. People on FB want you to think they're in a state of bliss all the time, so I tend to ignore FB, except for posts from good friends.
Hi, What happened is that some abusive jerk wrote right after you, then later deleted it, and what you read was my reply to her. She was very rude and judgemental, so I think that's why she deleted it. I'm so sorry you thought it was meant for you. You have been nothing but honest and nice.....
Oh, goodness, no, I didn't think the message was for me. I figured it was for somebody else and had been put in the wrong place accidentally. Sorry that someone was abusive on this forum. That is NOT what anybody needs! I'll talk to you soon. We have a lot in common!
Hang on- you are calling another member an abusive jerk ???
Shaming and insulting members in the open forum is against community guidelines.
I saw their reply to you and it would appear that you mis read their intentions.
They were not being abusive at all. Their response was a generic one about one's perception of others' behaviour, the fact that people often think everyone is happy except them . They were not accusing you personally of saying it. The word ' you ' was generalised, not aimed at you specifically .
They did not call you or imply that you were an 'attention seeker or sob sister'.
I'm sorry you took it the wrong way. Unfortunately that can be the problem with written text- it lacks the nuances of non verbal communication and gives rise to misunderstandings. It creates offence where none was intended.
Yes I was. I'm so sorry for the confusion. I hope I didn't upset you . At the top of a reply there is an arrow with the name of the person you are responding to. Hope this helps.
No problem at all. You didn't upset me. I just wanted you to know that I'd gotten your reply, and I didn't think you'd meant to reply to me. Have a good weekend!
hi KatzAndDogs, Sadie sounds adorable. She’s a small breed. Buddy is a real mutt. He’s part chihuahua,poodle and dachshund. My daughter sent me a dna kit to find out his main breeds. He’s a rescue, found in a box in a field. He is my emotional support but he has alot of issues lol. He is afraid of everyone but my daughters and grandkids. Boxes, large objects, pizza boxes, garbage bags , balloons, pretty much everything. I think he’s about 27 pounds, too heavy for me. When you figure out the aging thing let me know lol. I just grew out my gray hair, I have been coloring it since I was 30. Started graying in my late 20’s. I accept that but not the weight gain of menopause. I danced the other day when a good song came on, in private of course, aggravated my sciatica, I momentarily forgot my age. Lol🤣
Smaller dogs live far longer than large breeds, such as Great Danes. So you should have Buddy around for many, many years to come. We adopted Sadie from the local no-kill humane society last year after our beloved pitbull, Daphne, died. That was quite a change for us. Daphne weighed about 70 pounds, and Sadie weighs about 10! Daphne lived to be close to 20, even though she was a large dog.
We have one (of our eight!) cats who's afraid of everything. Dave was rescued at the last minute from a high-kill animal shelter. He must be getting close to 17 by now. He's so scared that he can't live in the house with our other critters. He just hides, won't eat, won't drink. So he lives out in my office, which was designed as a separate mother-in-law suite by the people from whom we bought our house. But he gets to see me every day, as I'm out here working (when I have work to do; freelancing for me has almost always been feast or famine) or at least reading my email on my computer.
I started going gray in my late 20s, after one semester of law school. (Law school would turn anybody gray or make their hair fall out, I think!) I used to henna my hair, and it'd grow out slowly and gradually. Now it grows out like hair dye and leaves a "skunk stripe" down the part, so I've given up and gone all gray/white.
I was always skinny and could eat anything without gaining weight until I hit about 40 or 45. Now everything packs on tummy weight. I look like I'm pregnant, but I try to suck my gut in.
A freelance proofreading project arrived early, so I'm working on that. (When I graduated from law school, I had two job offers: one with the US Army JAG Corps, for which I'd clerked in Germany for a summer; and one from a large legal publisher in St. Paul, Minnesota. After clerking for the army, I realized I was NOT military material, so I took the legal publishing job. I'd already worked in-house for one other publisher before that. After 1 1/2 years at the legal publisher, I went into business for myself, and I edit, index, proofread, and translate books on all sorts of topics. At first it was mainly legal materials, but I've branched out into all sorts of areas since then.) So, I should get back to work. I've slept badly for two nights in a row, so I'm starting my work day late.
Hope to continue to correspond with you! It's been a delightful experience talking with someone else who shares the miseries of clinical depression.
Sorry to have taken so long to reply. I've been working on a freelance proofreading project, and that's been keeping me more than busy. I just finished it, 'way ahead of time.
Now I'm starting to PANIC (I have panic/anxiety disorder in addition to the clinical depression; what a great combination, huh?) because I don't have any other freelance projects lined up until December. (But you never know: Something else could crop up.) And I'm getting more depressed because I don't know what to do with myself.
Before I had this bad bout of clinical depression, I used to look forward to time off from work. I'd knit. I'd do needlepoint. I'd read. But at least at the moment, I don't feel like knitting or doing needlepoint. Or doing anything. Well, I always feel like reading, though, so I suppose I can do that--but all day long?????? Sigh.
hi Katz, I just got home from an unplanned visit to dentist. I had really bad toothache. Turned out it was below the gum line and near the nerve, so he pulled it out and an impacted wisdom tooth was pressing on it, so he pulled that out. I don’t really need this extra pain. The worst part is the pinched nerve in my neck. That is worse than the tooth pain. Spending the rest of the day in bed with Buddy and my kindle. I was really depressed yesterday and anxious about my toothache. I can understand your work anxiety. I don’t think I could work anymore due to arthritis pain. I read alot and walk around the yard with Buddy. I live in the desert so very quiet and beautiful weather. I need a nap, I have not been sleeping well due to pain. I woke up at 3:00, this morning couldn’t get back to sleep. Take care, and rest a bit during the day if you’re not sleeping. Hi to Sadie!
Thanks so much, SameTimeTomorrow! I've tried Cognitive Behavioral Therapy before, and unfortunately it didn't do anything at all for me. So I don't really know what the answer is. We do EMDR for my PTSD, and that seems to be helping, at least some. I'm not as scared about driving as I used to be. (I was in a hit-and-run accident, which totaled my car but left me physically OK but mentally scarred.) I wish I could find some sort of therapy that helps. I'm honest with my counselor, but she seems to have no suggestions for what I can do to alter my situation. Sigh. So I'm relying on my psychiatrist and a current change in meds (going back on Wellbutrin, 150 mg, after having been off it for many months successfully; I also take Trintellix, Abilify, and clonazepam ((the last for panic/anxiety disorder, which I've had for as long as I can remember))).
I seem to feel better when I have freelance projects to work on. If I don't, sometimes I'm okay for a while and busy myself with other hobbies. But it just seems that too much stuff piled up since August over which I had little, if any, control.
I started an AS in veterinary technology and volunteered at a vet clinic. When I got to the biology class (this is all online), I found that it was nothing but sentence after sentence of pure memorization. I figured I could do it if I only took that one class for a year. But I still had to take two anatomy and physiology classes that semester. (I'd already taken two one-credit-hour classes and done well on them.) I really didn't feel like putting in that kind of time. And I didn't like the vet clinic at which I was volunteering. The people there were not willing to train me, and they seemed totally blah about their jobs, from the vet to the rest of the staff. They were just phoning it in. So I quit the AS course and the volunteering.
I was disappointed, but I've gotten over that. Heck, I'm 71, and who knows if any vet clinic would've hired me to be a vet tech anyway, once I finished the degree in 1 1/2 to 2 years?
I've also had some health issues, and I'm going to go to the Mayo Clinic in December--perhaps earlier, if they have any cancellations--to deal with those.
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