I was in a better place mentally, and I felt so good. It's been so long since I've written here because my mental health had been really good.
But recently I participated in an event that lasted 3 days, 12 hours a day at a place I haven't visited in a long time. And while I was there I started having flashbacks of the past, of when I was 19 and I started dating a guy who when he was alone with me was nice, but he denied me in front of others and flirted with many girls in front of me (he was also unfaithful, but I found out about this later). The flashbacks started because I was right in front of a place where he flirted with other girls while I was there and pretended that nothing was happening, that I didn't notice.
Because of his actions I started to feel more insecure about myself and for the first time I started comparing myself and hating other women. Because I started to question why he was doing all this, and if I wasn't worth it enough for him to only be with me. And I, who was needy and anxious for love, was still there thinking that it was all my fault.
As a result of that, my anorexia nervosa got worse. I didn't eat because I was constantly afraid and anxious that he would be unfaithful. The 4 years I was with him, I lost so much weight that you could see the balls of my collarbones, shoulders and hips. And he didn't seem to care, that he didn't notice and continued flirting with voluptuous women in front of me, which made me thinner every day.
I had forgotten all this until that event and again I feel like my stomach is upset and I can't eat. Again I feel immensely sad and empty, alone and enviable. And disappointed because I thought I had already overcome all this.
I’m in the worst place
Story of my life
Worst day of 2019
I'm at the lowest pit of my life
Fearing the worst
