Here…

[Chrysalis3]

i’m angry at myself mostly and i want to place name but i know at the end of the day you are responsible for you.

Man it hurts to speak and to breathe and going in the same loop in life and there being no break. it’s all within my control and i’m still shitting on myself.

ahhhhhhh!!!!! i just want to scream . I hate this . I hate this i’m battling with myself when will it stop????!?!?! what am i doing to myself?!?! 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Because i can’t keep up with anything in my life including caring for my child. My husband told me it’s ok i will take care of everything and you will stand back. i will cook, clean and care for our child . you just sit back and enjoy.

When he said this i just felt helpless and giving up at the same time. not because i don’t want to do this but because i know im messing up and she doesn’t deserve it . i get it many will say you are just a complaining fool. and maybe that’s true you know …but the weight in my brain it’s a pressure i can’t describe. i k ow people get through this but i know something is wrong. i regret not really understanding my situation like i do now and fighting through it all to ensure i would come out the other side and be there for my family.

now he says i have relinquished my right as a mother. he came to me super early this morning expressing again the actions he was about to take today and i just sat in the other room immobile . do i fight or do i just give up because what’s best for her? for me to keep saying i got this but messing up? ahhhhhhb!!! i feel pain i feel pain…

i know many of you keep saying get help and i am again …i have an appointment on the 24th. at this point i think my psychiatrist might think i am nuts. i hate that im just out of control and i feel like no one understands. just tell me this is hard but i will get through this if i help myself. don’t condemn me just dont please dont shame me because i can’t take it.

he’s taken wverythifn away from me like a child and i have allowed it yea i know but why can’t it be like this morning when he took over and i felt a weight lifted . i felt like i could think better i felt like i could move and clean and think of what the next step was instead of being in total panic and only think about what my daughter was going to eat ( which is one of my /our biggest arguments) . only for him to tell me he was like just stop cleaning stop doing any thing. i will do it all since you refuse!

i don’t refuse i just get stuck and panicked and the help i need you refuse to see despite my attempts to convey them. you just see it as senseless and useless.

i have to know what i want to say make sure it doesn’t sound stupid and that i have thought it through so he doesn’t say im a “lazy “ thinker.

my brain is so all over the place i can’t take it

[gajh]

I am sorry you are suffering. I am glad you have your appointment on the 24th. Is that just for a psychiatrist or for a therapist?

[Chrysalis3 in reply to gajh]

psychiatrist

[gajh in reply to Chrysalis3]

If you are open to it, I would recommend you talk to your psychiatrist about getting a therapist to help you. You deserve to have more support. You will also get a lot of support here.