✨ ❤️ ✨ looking for hope: TRIGGER... - Anxiety and Depre...

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✨ ❤️ ✨ looking for hope

Starrlight profile image
Starrlight

TRIGGER

hopelessness and death

I look and look for magic, for some kind of hope to grab hold of. I want to die with the way my life appears to me right now. Maybe it will get better. I’ll hang on for my kids. Otherwise I’d probably be gone. I used to feel I was connected closely to God now I feel like He doesn’t want anything to do with me. But that’s me, and the depression talking I guess. I keep thinking of death. My intuition is telling me death is near like someone will pass soon or maybe it’s the illness messing with me. Yeah. Sorry for this dreadful post. I just can’t keep it inside. I won’t give up like my brother did. I need a miracle though. I hate myself and I need to somehow stop this before it takes me under.

28 Replies

Starrlight,

I am sure you’re a wonderful person inside and out. You aren’t alone in feeling like this. I too have my days where I just don’t want to be here anymore or feel constant dread, but you will get better and people here really care about you! I am here for you! :)

Thank you. I just feel like I can’t keep going anymore. No matter how hard I try I fail. Ill never be good enough.

Even if you feel like that, I will be here for you! I understand exactly how you feel. It took me sooo long to be the person I am today and I am still struggling. It takes work and yes, some days you just don’t feel like you can, I know. You are more than welcome to PM me whenever you need to vent!

Starrlight, keep expressing your hopes and fears through your paintings.

I seem to be able to see what you are feeling through your posts.

Yesterday's painting showed the intensity to where your mind was at.

Today seems to be a little lighter with colors showing that maybe a miracle

is just around the corner. Your children were the first miracle. :) xx

Starrlight profile image
Starrlight in reply to Agora1

❤️ thanks for treating me so well when I don’t deserve it. I’m slipping I’m picturing death a lot. I have hate for myself. I’m not sure what to do with it. The only reason why I’m still here probably only for my kids. It’s all my fault

Starlight please don’t think like this we love you here it makes me sad that your sad please don’t give up hope life is sometimes a test you just gotta get through it

A test, true. Thanks for that reminder.

Hb2003 profile image
Hb2003 in reply to Starrlight

Your welcome

Is the picture a genuine Starrlight?

I drew it up with greens and pinks then put it into my computer to change the colors.

I love the little fairy 🧚‍♀️ 😀

❤️

Hidden profile image
Hidden

Hi starrlight, I usually don’t discuss religion on here but I would like to change that since you also believe in god. I want to let you know if anything is steering you away from god, then it is not god. You are loved by him and the people he has surrounded you with. (Your kids, us online, and the others that come into your life). You can gradually let go of these negative thought with time because they aren’t the truth. It is a lie that the devil instills in us to distract us. You are more precious than rubies! Thank you for sharing with us how you’re feeling today and I’ll be here if you would like to go into more detail about these thoughts and to why you do not feel good enough.

Starrlight profile image
Starrlight in reply to Hidden

Thanks I needed to hear that. I just feel so weak right now. I’ll have to try pulling myself back up.

Hb2003 profile image
Hb2003 in reply to Starrlight

have you tried to read religious books ?

Starrlight profile image
Starrlight in reply to Hb2003

Nope I haven’t

Hidden profile image
Hidden in reply to Starrlight

Of course. I hope you take the time and rest as you need. 🤍

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Hidden

Starlight,

Never lose hope! We are all scared due to the fact the we have this silent killer looming over us. If you were not scared then I would be worried!😊 You are kind and loving as I have read your posts. Your reaction is normal sadly but never give up! Your kids need you and God is there He will never leave you!💕

Starrlight profile image
Starrlight in reply to Hidden

I just need to rest

Hidden profile image
Hidden

Starrlight, I love this image. The fairy is amazing. She or he looks like they are standing on top of the world shooting hope into the sky. Kinda like taking the worlds energy and projecting it elsewhere. The colors you used are amazing as well.

I don’t have very good advice, i wish I had the magic ferry dust or perfect potion to kill the lows you suffer, Im even a little angry that I can’t take your pain away. That’s just the way I feel. 💜

I’m here if you ever want to talk. 🌺💜

Starrlight profile image
Starrlight in reply to Hidden

Msybe if I rest I’ll feel better ✨ 🌙 goodnight

Even though I have never met you, your posts and incredible artwork give me a sense of one of your most amazing traits: Strength.

Despite the difficulties of your illness, you care for and prioritize your children. When many people would be blinded by the darkness of their thoughts, you find the light by looking towards your kids. It's beautiful. It's inspiring. It exudes Strength.

And God hasn't given up on you. Not by a long shot. I'm no spokesperson for the divine, but the evidence is clear: You have the love of others, the beautiful talents of your own mind, and the grace to share yourself and your gifts with others. If anything, God is probably looking upon you in stunned silence, proud of your perseverance, in awe of your Strength.

❤️

O Starr,

We can't count on magic ...not black or white magic... but miracles which start with motivation and goals... requested in prayer.

He will hear you...This is a miracle in itself.

With God's help, millions have been able to turn strongly entrenched attitudes and actions into the best life possible.

You would provide the best for your children if you could (we all would) but we're limited... GOD isn't.

Keep askin'

I don’t mean magic literally, I mean to experience joy and peace.

Thought of you throughout the day, wondering how you're doing...and I just read your post. Looking for magic???? Look at your paintings. needless to say, this one is gorgeous...full of symbolism...I see so much, but another time for my thoughts about the newest in your collection.Do you have any idea at all why this depression is so intense...when did it begin??? Any triggers???

Starr, I've made 3 suicide attempts...I feel suicidal most of the time...I want to end the continual sadness. Sometimes, just the very briefest past memory creates this inner-knowledge that I'm doomed. And, actually, I am.

I have my sister and my two darling angels who show me how simple it is to experience sheer glee. And that's who constitutes my world. After joining this community I found that I was beginning to feel less alone...that utter strangers were willing to interact with me.

But this is a computer...there's a screen...you are somewhere and I'm somewhere. Yet, there's a stark power that's present in our friendship and present with many other members I've grown to care about....I mean really and truly care about.

I feel exactly like you feel as you describe your feelings.

No question about it...I'm a huge failure. Living with that knowledge is like what carrying large boulders must feel like. And my self-hatred continues to grow exponentially. These are feelings I hide. I never would have believed I could actually share some of my feelings and actually talk with good people who are experiencing emotions similar to mine.

You are the mother of three sons. It's clear to me that you certainly have succeeded as a mother. From what you've shared, you have consistent support and such love from your husband. You certainly have succeeded as a wife and 'love of my life'. You probably have friends...you've never shared anything about your friends. I know that it's an honor to know you, be in your life and know that you re a loyal, caring, loving friend.

Try as hard as you possibly can to hold on to our hands as we pull you up from that dark pit.

I'm here for you.

sophie4

You are successful. You are a kind and interesting and an amazing person and I love you so. I’m not up to saying much right now. I don’t know why I’m having a hard time. I’ll just do my best.

Thank you for reaching out and sharing. Starrlight, you are a beautiful person. I enjoy when you share your inspiring posts. Right now the depression is speaking again, but you are a fighter. Remember the depression is not who you are it is what you go through and you can beat it. Do you work with someone on a regular basis, to help you with your thoughts? I worked with a healthy life coach weekly and she helped me become aware of myself and understand who I really am. I was so busy trying to meet everyone else needs, I wasn't really listening to my body and what I need. I have learned to love who I am and that I am not perfect. She gave me the support, accountability and tools I needed to let go of the past, make changes in my behaviors and thoughts, so I can move forward to have a more content and fulfilled life. I also have grown in my faith by working with her, because I have learned that I don't have to control things (because the truth is I am not in control, God is). Once I realized I don't have to be in control or perfect, I relaxed and it helped me feel better. I will be praying for you. PM me anytime if you want to chat. I understand the struggles of depression and those deep dark thoughts. Hugs and God Bless

How are things going this week? I have been praying for you. Hugs

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