Mom said it's just for them to pay my health insurance (without them it's basically $17 ) but I'm scared. I couldn't enjoy the summer and when i was free. My sister will start school and it will be yelling at 6am and every night "go to bed till midnight!!!" and she never goes. Plus her being even more tired. Plus "you do nothing all day, we go to school and work" plus "make her go to bed till 12:00" and "help her study" while I'm knocked out either of a panic attack or the meds i took for the panic attack. Plus seasonal depression. And this year, for the first time since 2019, i don't have an accomodation i can go to. Dad's appartment will be free but it's full of cockroaches and mold and needs renovation and i just paid for the boiler at home to be changed because it was broken since years but mom didn't want to buy a new one and it exploded and mom went nuts it would kill us, i told her it would be better for us if it did but she's still scared. So it was really hard these days with the jihad boiler. Also i have to register at the labour market. It can't be autumn. All i remember of summer is how i didn't go to a concert and was stick with mom abusing me. Went to the sea but actually went to the sea for two days and got two weeks abuse because i was going with a male friend and mom was going nuts triggering my ptsd from the bullies at school and genophobia and cringe. Plus he said tuesday, then the place wasn't free, then Wednesday, then couldn't get a car, then thursday, and his bus arrived late at night. So it was basically two days and these two days i worried about what mom would ask when i go home. I wasted my summer, my youth, my life. Now I'm having a panic attack, soon sister will have to go to school and ruin living here (we have just 1 room for sleeping and living) and seasonal depression and Christmas ptsd and new year dread and ptsd. Also you remember how mom drank at NYE and i was staying with her because my "friends" didn't want me and i asked her kindly to leave some champagne for New year and she called a drug addict because of my meds. Also existential dread. I swear January was yesterday. I don't remember anything of 2024. Where did time go?! Also when i turn 25 i will no longer be a young adult and i lose my privileges. Ffs even Leonardo di Caprio wouldn't date me lol. I feel like im wasting my life. And since i graduated none of my former friends from uni messages me. Now this new friend, he said he will be going back to the Netherlands (what's up with me and the dutch) for NYE but i could come and im worried. Also i have Christmas ptsd as well because at 6 i was hospitalised all winter. Nobody cares about my ptsd, everyone celebrates Christmas earlier and earlier. Damn Coca cola! And seasonal depression. And i thought dad sets off on 1st sep but my grandparents called me and said my sister should go and check if he stopped everything. My grandparents said they will help me with the boiler at home but dad's house is "not so bad" and they're still recovering. I feel bad for investing in home while my best scenario is going to dad's house. It would be better if mom and sis went there - it's near my sister's school and she would have a room. The place is big and it's better if they live there, they would have separate rooms, but idk if mom's okay with living with the cockroaches and the kid's painings because I'm not. Also don't know if grandparents and uncle's family are okay with it because this appartment is theirs and they use it for dad and uncle when he comes from the UK and when grandparents come to the city from the farm. Honestly idk how they even live there. And mom says "they're rich, they'll pay" while they litterary have no AC, even dad's place has no AC. And all my therapist does is convince me to move out. He's not even therapying me, he's just convincing me to move out. But if i do, i need income. I tried to seek ways to freelance but in Bulgaria it's not considered a real job. I tried to get disability retirement but they said they need 1year work experience till 25 and even if i start working immediately, i will be 25 in 1 year. Meanwhile my sister is mean and she doesn't care im anxious, she's just screaming at me for the boiler. And i woke up anxious because she has to have the AC on full volume. Mom and sis treat me like an animal. Sis hides me from her friends, mom tells me "you do nothing all day" and gives me tasks. Dad doesn't care about me. At my age nobody respects me. Especially unemployed. I'm also suffering of dad leaving, can't we unite instead of fighting like litteral bitches? My sister doesn't even talk to me anymore, she just roars something quetly or yells at me if i didn't understand it. Hurts me. I'm not the maid here. I raised her. And she treats me like that. I'm carrying them both and they treat me as trash. Being the oldest daughter is like. And they didn't even greet me for oldest daughter day.
Edit - just found out she's gonna be off work. I'm just not on myself. Especially that she will be home for the remaining summer
