I’m pregnant for the first time and in my first trimester. My partner (now husband) never congratulated me or expressed his joy about it, and I accepted him the way he is knowing he is not ready to become a father.
I’m self employed and the work had been stable for the past few years, until recently. A few big projects got cancelled right when I found out about my pregnancy. I took this as a chance to rest, but my partner wasn’t happy seeing me lying down in bed all day.
He was jobless for a year but I never pushed him for finding jobs because he had enough savings. Our relationship power balance switched when I became jobless/pregnant and he found a potentially long-term contract.
It is worth noting that we also moved out of the city to live in the countryside all around the same time, which made us completely isolate ourselves from the rest of the community. My partner works from home and I’m also at home all day because I cannot drive and the closest bus stop is 20mins away with hills, making it difficult for me to step out of the house.
I’m emotionally unstable in general but pregnancy isn’t helping me either. Every day I’m dealing with my emotional rollercoaster and I feel hopeless when my partner is showing his frustration. Every time I ask him for help such as driving me to the bus stop, he agrees with a slight frustration on his face.
I tried to have a change of scenery by planning a weekend camping trip for us, hoping to spend some quality time like we used to. That’s when the incident happened.
A small talk got into a big argument, as usual, and we stopped taking to each other and tried to sleep individually but the tent was uncomfortable and I woke up in the middle of the night. I stepped out of the tent to get some fresh air and later he also woke up and joined me for a walk.
He apologized me for the argument earlier but I wasn’t ready to accept his apology and I was still angry. That made him upset, making him hit his head against concrete and he asked me “what do I need to do?”
I don’t know why I said and I regret saying it, but I said “hit harder.”
he hit his head harder against the concrete and with the pain and anger, he started screaming and going mad. He grabbed my face with two hands aggressively and I tried to protect myself. He took my glasses and threw it afar. It was dark and I could not see anymore.
He returned my glasses eventually and then apologized, but I was scared and didn’t wanna talk to him. That made him insecure and he was following me anywhere I go. We spent the rest of the night sitting by the beach not talking, and eventually we went back to the tent at 4am. He slept immediately but I couldn’t sleep at all.
The next morning, I was ready to leave the campsite when he woke up. We packed up our stuff and loaded the car, I remained silent while he was driving because I was scared of his impulsive reaction. Then, suddenly, he asked me to hit him while he was driving. I ignored him and refused. He grabbed my hand with hand, and he started hitting himself really hard with my hand - I didn’t know how to respond because I was shocked and scared. I eventually asked him to stop because my hand was in pain.
He pulled over the car soon after, and started resting without saying anything. I stepped out of the car and went into a bathroom. I called for a DV support center nearby, and explained my situation. They told me to call the police if I feel unsafe going back to the car. There was no way I could go back to the car, so I called police.
Police was going to arrest him after I explained the situation, but that was not what I wanted. I’ve never called a police before and honestly all I wanted a way out. I begged the policemen and we eventually agreed to give him a warning and let him go.
I felt really terrible after that. I packed my stuff left the house before he comes back home and apologized him over the phone. He also apologized me. We agreed to take some time apart. We both needed time to process. I spent a few nights at a hotel and a few nights at a relative’s.
5 days later, I agreed to meet him in a restaurant. He was really worried about me and I was worried about him. I thought I was ready to see him, but as soon as he showed up, I could not see his face. I was nervous and couldn’t talk, and he was confused.
He offered me to drive back home, but I told him I would like to walk for a bit. I took a bus and walked 20mins uphill to come back home. While I was walking, I expressed my feelings by texting him and told him to leave the house. It was an agreement before the dinner that if we don’t feel comfortable yet he will leave the house this time.
when I came back home he was still at home, trying to talk to me. I called my dad, who is currently in the hospital, to stay on the line while I asked my partner to leave the house. He eventually left, and my dad comforted me over the phone.
My partner decided to go back to his country for the rest of the summer. He has family and friends who can look after him. I’m happy for him, but at the same time, I’m sad and depressed, knowing I’m isolated and lonely and don’t know how I can live here alone.
My partner is worried about me, and he wants me to comfort him. We used to always comforted each other, but I am not capable of comforting him right now. I still love him, but I don’t know how to repair this relationship. I’m really depressed, and I cannot make a wise decision. I envy him for being able to escape from this situation, to be honest.
Slowly losing faith again…
Tension headaches 
I'm desperate and that's pathetic 
Struggling with medication
i do not want to be a mom. 
