I'm supposed to be better than this.

[melonpunch]

I'm in a helping profession. I have a lot of empathy, and what I think is a big heart. I'm a huge softy and I just recently got in to this profession. Some days I have such pride about what I do but other days, like today, I'm so ashamed. I'm 100% supposed to be better than who I am.

This is the first time that I'm really admitting to some things and my anxiety is just skyrocketing... I'm pretty fricken sure I'm a kleptomaniac. Stealing little things here and there, fine, whatever, big corporations suck but- it's been going on so long and has gotten so bad (I probably average 40-100$ worth of merchandise that I steal from shops in one go) that I think it's turned in to some unethical behaviour. Which I HATE. I don't do anything to harm others; like I said I"m in a helping profession. And I try my best to help people and support them and I've never done anything that is to the detriment of a client. I do it to myself.

For example, I was supposed to go to a training last month that my company was paying for. I ended up sleeping in and missed it. I thought I could just lie about it and say I went without it ever resurfacing. But my boss told my yesterday that the invoice states I no show-ed. Instead of coming clean, I lied and said I went. I've been through something like this before, lying and fudging things so that I could get by. It ALWAYS blows up in my face. I should know better. I should BE better.

I haven't figured out how to rectify this and my brain can't seem to say "just tell the truth, come clean." It's like I still feel like I can find a way around it somehow. Anyway, I remember when I first would steal things when I was much younger. Random trinkets here and there, but I steal from places I work at, I have stolen things from my inlaws (a pair of scissors.... wtf, right?). Like where does it end? When I get a huge hefty fine? Jail time for fraud or theft? When my career is taken away from me?

I'm so embarrassed, nobody knows. I want to stop. I wish I'd never done any of this.

So I've fallen in to a depressive episode. I could hardly get out of bed to go to work. I just want to break everything down and quit my job, go to some in patient treatment, lose my house, lose my entire life and everything I've worked for... I don't feel deserving of what I have.

[Hidden]

Do you ever put things back?

But yes therapy best as you want to get at root of why you do this

[melonpunch in reply to Hidden]

No, I can't remember a time where I have put things back. I have so much shame around it that I can't imagine having to go around a second time to do it.

I'd love therapy around this specifically, but so difficult to find anyone who is well trained on the subject.

[Alpakka123]

Hi,

Your profile says you have autism. Is this correct?

[melonpunch in reply to Alpakka123]

Yeah, I'm fairly high functioning but yes..

[Alpakka123 in reply to melonpunch]

No, it's okay. There's nothing wrong with you being autistic. What I was getting at is that those with autism have a really hard time lying to people. So, I'm confused.

[fauxartist]

Wow.... I had to look this one up, and I was very surprised that there is no known cause or cure for it. I was very surprised to learn how similar this is to having chronic depression, a gambling addiction, alcohol and substance abuse issues, workaholics, sex addicts, and even over exorcising or eating are all compulsive disorders. I know SSRI's are supposed to help with the Serotonin issues for depression, which presents in Kleptomania as well it seems.

Kleptomania appears to be caused in part by disruptions of neurotransmitter pathways in the brain associated with serotonin and dopamine, which can influence aggression and the brain’s reward system. Individuals may also experience an imbalance in the brain’s opioid system, which influences the ability to resist urges.

People who have kleptomania don’t steal because of a lack of willpower, self-control or a character flaw. Instead, this is a medical condition where a person doesn’t have the ability to resist the impulse to steal. It’s common for people with kleptomania to feel guilt, shame or stress about stealing. They commonly feel depressed.

[Existing]

Whoo, that's a lot to unpack, and that's incredibly brave of you to do so out loud here. Not sure if you understand the power of what you just did here, but you took that huge first step of being honest with yourself about it. And you were smart to choose a forum, and got lucky cuz these are good people here. I would say the best gift I've ever given myself was complete honest acceptance of who I am in ALL times. It's hardest to practice that when we look at things we do or don't do that disgust us, that make us feel like we could stop and just act like normal people if we wanted, but we don't. That's how we end being disgusted and loathe who we are. But the truth is you don't have control over everything. And that's when we need to reach out help if we care about ourselves.

Your rational mind is saying:

" I should know better. I should BE better."

I think you do know better, and want to do better, but I'm hearing that you really can't. And that doesnt need an explanation. It just means you need to get the help you need to unravel what that's about. Something deeper than the behavior that is going on.

But I feel like you are ahead of many social workers and MH people who deny a lot of stuff trying to look perfect.

So, accept that you are pretty healthy in recognizing a problem that has been brewing, but now could really cost you your job, your profession, etc.

If you can take time off, devote yourself to working in therapy, talking about all the little things you mentioned, cuz any deception makes you feel bad about yourself, I think you will get so much clarity and resolution that you have probably needed for a long time.

Because despite what you think, you just really can't be effective for the people you are working to help when you've got unfinished business of your own. You were smart to recognizing that your lies don't fool anyone. So, treat yourself with the same kindness as others and get some help as soon as possible. It may cost your job, but not your life.