I got prescribed Quetiapine for an emergencies and i didn't take it yesterday and also got overwhelmed and posted a lot of stupid things

[Against_the_current]

Where my dad follows me. I went absolutely unhinged. I have this med recently prescribed for my depression and when i take it I get like hit with sleeping pill for elephants and get hungry and then feel bad I've gained weight because of my knee injury and my meds. Yesterday mom was first shift and when she's first shift she's home around 3pm, starts drinking and gets drunk around 7pm and we have fights. When mom's home I feel like in a cage with a tiger. I panic, i have to go out or to fall asleep (pretend I'm dead). I know she's overwhelmed like me so i wanted to go out and let her have some alone time (to me, it's vital, these days sis was sick and i didn't have any, also she will take a free day tomorrow for my birthday and not work Saturday and Sunday). So i saw there would be a "comedy fest" or something and i decided to go so I'm not home. But around 5pm she made me go to the bank, i also was out of Levide so i went to the city centre and bought some when she dropped me to bank which was closed. She just envies her coworker who found out she had money in the bank and wanted me to check. I got home and i was having a panic attack. I was thinking of taking the Quetiapine and just resting but then she started talking to me and i got another panic attack and decided to go. I was having a panic attack and trying to go to a theatre that's in the middle of a forest so there was no bus at 8:30 pm. I was really late and decided to not search for the cashiers and buy a ticket (the tickets were sold online but they had to be printed and I don't have a printer so i went there thinking i will buy a ticket there). Eventually i didn't find the staff and just sat in the park to have a rest because i walked a lot. I heard some of the show. It was stand-up comedy but it was really cringe. Some guys just made fun of their love lifes and their wives. One or two described in heavy detail their wives giving birth, labour, taking care of their offsprings, diapers and of course the conceiving of the offsprings. I got another panic attack. I think I'm genophobic or something. I got an adrenaline rush and walked almost all the way home which was like 3 kilometres and i was worried mom told me to get a taxi because it's not safe but i felt unsafe with the taxi drivers especially since one tried to kidnap me and one told me about his boss working with pr0stitution and I was so shocked i couldn't even report them to the police. I didn't ask of names because they would ask of mine and they would know i was the one who snitched. Also Bulgarian police lets everything slide, they need a crime done in front of me and me having evidence otherwise they won't care. My mom's coworker was nearly robbed, even caught it on her security camera, and the police said "you weren't robbed, there's no crime, we can't do anything". Okay walking my mind wondered. My mind was having a freak show in my own head. I was like "i can be a better comedian than them" and started having a full show in my head. I found it hilarious so I posted it. It was like emotional vomiting. I couldn't fall asleep. All night i was hyper. Usually I'm dead asleep because of the new med but it makes me anxious when im not drugged and drowsy and i had to be on alert so i didn't take it. My psychiatrist said it's for emergencies so i decided to not take it. I walked and i was searching for a bus. Then i met my sister around midnight on a bus stop with her toxic boyfriend. She came to me and said "I'm with my boyfriend but don't come to us cause you don't like him neither". "Neither" instead of "anyway". She doesn't tell me much about him, she prefers to tell drunk mom and leaver emotionally unavailable dad about him but not me. All i know is that she cries often because of him. (And that's why I'm worried she needs dad). She said she overthinks but i guess he has a fault too. My sister is gorgeous. When i say gorgeous, i mean really really gorgeous. I feel like a failed science experiment standing next to her. She's so gorgeous that if we were living in prehistoric times, they would make statues of her and worship them. And I'm really worried about her boyfriend. I'm already an aunt from my cousin who's younger than me. I see her as little me that i failed to protect. I have inner child trauma. I honestly feel like a deranged Shrek. Yet some people are desperate. This leads me to this morning. I took a melatonin to fall asleep before i go insane. I had a really vivid dream of someone i met here that's no longer on this site. He left me because i was jealous of some Egyptian girl he met here. Meanwhile a really nice guy got a heartbreak because i was chasing the first guy but the second guy had littlerary told me he's scared of love, he sees me as an older sister, in his culture having an older girlfriend was looked bad. I didn't expect it. Then he messaged me but the nice guy i knew was gone. His beautiful manners were gone. His respect and shyness were gone. His beautiful music taste was gone. His fear of love was gone and he has had a couple of girlfriends. Felt like a new person. Meanwhile I had a really vivid dream of the first guy and i woke up and puked. Maybe i got my sister's sickness which is bad because my birthday is tomorrow and soon i will be going to the seaside with a friend... and i feel uneasy because apparently they say they're friends but want something more. I honestly don't know. I'm scared of anything that's not behind a screen and the comedian describing his wife giving birth for 12 hours really didn't help (scared me to the point that if i see any male being, i would hiss and run). I'm so mentally deranged. I feel like a zombie deer hit by a car. I'm having upset stomach. Someone called me "the final boss of mental illness" and i feel like that. On top of that my psychiatrist apparently hasn't written a prescription. I went to the pharmacy and showed them the sheet she gave me and asked for meds covered by insurance and the pharmacist said there's no prescription. Plus since two months i have no health insurance. Mom's not paying it, university stopped paying it when i graduated, i don't have a job. My family wants me to register at the labour market. I wrote a post with jokingly good jobs for a deranged person like me. Included a stand up comedian because if i yap, at least i would be paid. Included "a hippopotamus at the zoo" as well. My two psychology degrees can only grant me a job as a mental patient. In a severe state. And people don't understand im just having hippopotamus doses of cortisol in my body since 4 years and my brain is fried in cortisol and if i lash out or talk nonsense or post nonsense it's just pain. I have no break. I'm in a 24-hoirs long panic attack. I'm just in pain. And bad things keep happening. And i reach out to people and they end up using me and playing my feelings. But damn i really hope those two are alright. If i wasn't going crazy about the Egyptian girl, maybe i would know how he's doing. I just hope he's alive. This person is haunting me. Even my ex is not haunting me like that and my new friend is from the same country as my ex. I need to lock myself somewhere alone and without a phone. My soul is in a convulsion. And so is my stomach. I have so vivid dreams, i puke

[Alpakka123]

I'm sorry, but I can't make heads nor tails of this. Sounds like stream of conscious stuff. We aren't supposed to understand this, are we?

[Against_the_current in reply to Alpakka123]

I wrote incoherently? I must be getting worse. Even though English is not my main language

[Alpakka123 in reply to Against_the_current]

No, you're English is very good sweetheart. You are actually doing very well. It takes lots of courage to write in a foreign language. I know this all too well since I'm a foreigner in my country.It's just that I'm not quite sure what you would like help with here. Is this just a rant? It's fine if it is; I just don't want to miss out on helping you if you are asking for help.