I need help, my emotions are getting the better of me

I feel like I either want to scream at my family or hurt myself, and I know neither one of those are good ideas. Because of all this coronavirus fear I stayed cooped up in my parents house all day and I already have issues with them. I used to have my own apartment but now for financial reasons I had to move back in with them, I do appreciate that I'm not homeless, but this situation is hard on all of us. I get so angry with my dad, I feel like I've spent most of my life trying to get away from him and now I have to put up with him again. He smokes in the house and he's just a total asshole towards me, I KNOW I should be grateful I'm not out on the street, but he is VERY hard to live with. I'm just so frustrated, my mom is mentally ill herself and she won't leave him, I really sometimes truly feel like suicide is my only way out. I hate my life, I left a guy I was with for 20 years, I don't have a job or a car anymore and I'm turning 50 in August. I don't have a college degree and I don't know what I'm living for anymore. I feel all this rage, all I want to do is play all these angry songs by Pink. I feel like I will never make anything out of myself, or I would have when I was younger. I find myself wishing I would get this stupid coronavirus and die, I have no children, what the hell am I living for??? I want to scream but I just stay silent. If anyone could just say something encouraging to me right now I'd really appreciate it, I feel like I've been going through hell for a long time and things never get any better. Thank you for listening, I needed to get these feelings off my chest before I do something stupid. I'm really not trying to alarm anyone, I am just fed up with my dad's nasty attitude and I wish I never had to see him or speak to him again and now I'm under his thumb again.

[Remmao]

I'm sorry. My life is upside down too. I have no words except your not alone in your feelings.

[Dichotomous]

Hey there, I'm just like you..unable to complete my education post graduation, without a job for last 3 years and living with my family, I was staying away looking up for a job, interning in a Univ and had to return to look after my father, who got very sick and passed away last month...he was my rock and my family has been there for me in the difficult times. But the pressure is still catching up, my savings are running out, relationships broken, losing toch with friends..but we have to be strong, I have to look after my mother who is losing it everyday and now this Virus situation!! But we have to be grateful, we still have a house and food and someone who cares for..we can have medical care. So don't give up that easily, sort thing out with your father, isn't it understandable that he's being grumpy at his age and condition? and please don't be hard on yourself either, you will pull through, keep the music high and stay at home, let this virus pass..one thing at a time

whatever happens never do any harm to yourself, trust me its not worth it..I spent months with a bag of anti depression pills and sleeping by my pillow but never once took more than prescribed..and quit them all eventually, you too will!!

[Hidden in reply to Dichotomous]

Thank you so much!!!!! I feel for your situation too, sometimes time is the best healer. Glad you are there for your mom.

[BlueMoon29]

I feel we share a lot of the same emotions. I too am stuck right now, not necessarily where I want to be, but grateful nonetheless (with my ex by the way!). I'm 37 with no job, money, car, children, husband and at this point no hope. I once had a mediocre lifestyle but left my home state 7 months ago to pursue something greater. Unfortunately it has not worked out. Now I'm back home with absolutely nothing. I've always wondered what my purpose in life is but no matter how much I ignore it I know what it is: to help others. It's the only thing I've ever been good at. My only recommendation is to take a look outside of yourself. You're here, in this group, for a reason. You share the same thoughts, emotions, life as other people. You can be a sounding board for other people, a comfort. It may not sound like much but it really does make a difference. Whenever I get in a "mood" I immediately shut down. But every time I do I realize that it's the wrong choice. I only feel better when I can share my story with others or try to let them know they're not alone. Group therapy helped me with that many years ago and once all of this clears up I'd love to go back. For now let this be your group therapy. You are NOT alone, you're feelings and thoughts are valid and we're here for you. Remember, if you can't take it one month at a time then take it one week at a time. If you can't take it one week at a time, take it one day at a time. If you can't take it one day at a time, take it one hour at a time.

[Hidden in reply to BlueMoon29]

Thank you, I hope things get better for you too.

[Sabio77]

Hidden thank you for sharing. I see a couple different things going on here. I am really glad you shared. that is the first important step my friend. 2ndly, the coronavirus has taken all of us for loop. it is hard. 3rdly, I see that what is happening here is a chance to forgive your father for whatever he has done. forgive your mother for whatever she has done. then forgive yourself for anything to set yourself free from this bondage of viscous cycle. I am not saying whatever done was ok because I don't need to know but you need to begin the process of healing and finding peace of mind. it is a process so be patient with yourself. believe in yourself. you were created with a purpose. you are valuable. you are worth every effort you put forth. focus on what is positive. for what a person thinks/believes is what they will attract. so take those negative those and turn it into positive productive energy/thoughts. focus on your strengths/talents/hobbies. even try learning something new. this has helped me hope it helps you too. here if you wish to talk.