Another wild night of trying to hang out while mom's drunk because i don't have a room. Plus why i don't want to attend Al-Anon

[Against_the_current]

She was drunk yapping. She was watching a movie and she was telling me how bad the villain did. Like it's a movie - if there's no villain, nothing happens, also you don't write the script. She gave me tasks today and i did them all. But i had to throw the rubbish. Finally i got tired of her and i thought she's close to the phase where it gets worst and she falls asleep so i rapidly putted on clothes and grabbed the trash. The thing is that i was so triggered that i don't remember whether i got the trash from the bathroom. I tried to sit a bit in the playground in front of my block because i thought it's safe and then go and take out the trash before she takes it away and goes to buy more wine. I was sitting on the swing and some kid asked me to sit on my swing, i gave it to him and felt good. The other swing was wet. The mom seemed really worried, she didn't stop telling the kid to be careful, she was arguing on the phone with her other kids and drunk husband saying "you have a father too, let him take care of you for once" and i felt like that's my mom. I asked her if she's okay and i told her that I'm in a similar situation and i just want to help so her kids don't end like me. I was really curious if my education could help me in a real situation. She told me she married young and had an autistic kid at 16 and her husband was abusing her while pregnant and she had issues with this kid and her daughter is getting married. She said the kid has adhd. I talked with him and he didn't seem to have adhd but he was having hard time talking. I asked if they're bilingual or something. I found out they're actually gypsy. The puzzle started to solve. (It was dark, between midnight and 2am as i escaped mom). The woman asked if i could help her carry her bags and son back to their accommodation as she had prepared to run away. I agreed. She asked me to see her older son who's aggressive and basically not for a psychologist, not even for a psychiatrist but for an exorcist. She described the heaviest meds he's in and he's still aggressive and s€xually harassing her and having other horrific symptoms. She said that when she takes her money, she will call me to see him and give me $10 (20 bgn). I said im not liscenced. She insisted as someone who is licensed would take $40 (80bgn). I want to help and to make money but im scared and overwhelmed and im scared if i do harm. I followed them and they sat in front of the block with a group of other romani. I was too awkward to leave as they started asking me who am i and am i white. Like im pale with hazel hair and blue-green eyes but it was dark and in the hurry i looked homeless. I don't intend to be r@sist(i respect them as humans) just in Bulgaria working with such ethnicities is definitely not for the weak and not for western type of thinkers like me. I even got a Canadian therapist. My country, my city and my neighbourhood are definitely not good for me. No place for a safe walk. Ghetto people, drunk people, drugged people, taxis but i just can't go back into my tiny accomodation and eat once a day a pizza and breathe the mold. Psychiatrists and therapists were better there but i can't take care of myself rn and live in that cage. I feel so bad that i just can't imigrate to another city, country or neighbourhood but this place is somehow addictive. I don't know whether to block her, im scared of her. I told her i might not be able to visit her son because I'm struggling with my own mental health. I'm just scared if a gypsy curse. Holy shii i tried to calm down and not vent and take meds and distract but i couldn't. The shower and the breathing exercises didn't help. Sweat is dripping off me. I worry what will i do when mom gets drunk. Every night i meet people even weirder than me - a witch, a taxi kidnapper, a fake politician, these people now. Probably because i went out late but mom got drunk at that time. Meanwhile my sister was at the concert and i regret selling the tickets. Please don't tell me to move out or that im mean to these people, i know i should, I'm just a dmn weakling. I made wrong decisions in where to live and what degree to get. I'm built different.

[PuzzleArt]

I didn't see the answer in all that writing of why you won't go go Al-Anon. I thought it was because you didn't have any meetings available where you live. Yet you mention an exorcist? You are not helping yourself!

[Against_the_current in reply to PuzzleArt]

I mean this woman mentioning her drunk husband triggered me. And the exorcist was a parody

[PuzzleArt in reply to Against_the_current]

Why can't or won't you go to Al-Anon? I don't understand. You've tried everything else.

[Alpakka123]

Hi AtC,

Referring to your last couple of sentences, I was actually going to suggest that you were too nice to those people (I'm assuming "these people" are the woman and her son). Sounds to me like two people you don't want to get involved with. I would be really cautious here if I were you.

More observations (not criticisms) from me regarding your posts:

-It sounds like you are thinking of everything at once.

-Lots of your consecutive sentences have nothing to do with each other. It's not purely stream of conscious (because those don't make any sense whatsoever), but it's like that. I think that this is why it's hard for outsiders (us reading it) to understand. Of course you get it, but we don't. I think you're stringing things together because of the timeline of events (see my example below)

My pastor certainly didn't get the connection between my abuser's illness and me bringing up the feeling that it's my fault. I had to explain it to her. She still doesn't get it, but that's okay. She doesn't have to. We seem hardwired to find patterns in what goes on (in our own head as well as on the outside). It's the forward-movement of the timeline that makes me connect the two. I report her for abuse, she gets in trouble, and then she gets sick? Sure there are months between each event, but in my mind not enough to not forge the connection. This is either just a really convenient coincidence for her, or just a coincidence. Since her announcement is still fairly new (I think it's been 2 months), I'm still learning to let this go and not overthink it.

[Against_the_current in reply to Alpakka123]

It's incoherently because I'm suffering greatly. In my head in makes sence to have caused the divorce which caused the baby which caused her drinking which caused me to get in this state. My soul is convulsing

[Alpakka123 in reply to Against_the_current]

YES!!! Yes, yes, yes. It makes sense to YOU. I get it! My pastor got this really weird expression on her face when I told her about this. She didn't get irritated, but I could tell that she was like "oh dear me...". I am going to be re-starting with my therapist because of all this.

I'm wondering if working with a therapist to separate these events would benefit you as well...