3am panic. What will i work when i get old?

[Against_the_current]

Like now i can be in a shop with the cute chicks or if im at a school working with my degree i would be the cool teacher. But when i get old the kids will get cruel and i will grieve my childhood, teenhood and 20s i spent on mental illness. I would be one if those school councillors or teachers kids mock. Why do we get old at 25? I'm a 23yo teenager. And don't get me started on marriage. Wth is wrong with evolution? I don't want to get old. Last i remember i was 20. Then my trauma. And then i started regressing. 21 to 19, 22 to 18, 23 to 17, now 24 to 16. I was a better adult at 19 than 23. I'm not 23. I can't be 23. How? How are there people born after me who work and become idols and singers and actors and influencers? And when i get old i can't be an influencer or something

[Yuuupsongbook002]

right because it can give us fear when being in public speaking to people and discomfort. when people are watching singers perform they can think that the audience are staring at the performers.

[Against_the_current in reply to Yuuupsongbook002]

Yes!

[LearningPiano]

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I also feel like things are getting "worse" and that I am adulting worse than I used to be (also in my 20s but honestly, I think I'm mentally a teenager or younger - and mental/cognitive age is a real, non-linear thing!) so I deeply relate to this.

I think depression and other mental illnesses sap so much of our energy and - most importantly - self-efficacy that there's little to nothing left to actually create a life for ourselves, which others do with relative ease. It's definitely unfair. I honestly think it's one of the most debilitating conditions (if not THE most) since you cannot bypass the mind and its the one tool/organ/thing that mediates or gets us through the rest of our existence.

That being said, I think cognitive retraining is the way forward, augmented by other therapies or not (highly recommend psychiatric care - I see Bulgaria has some of the highest out-of-pocket spending in the EU but it never hurts to ask and I hope the appointments are covered). I personally find it so frustrating that I have to spend so much time processing my emotions, cataloguing my thoughts, and changing them ever so slightly to ones that feel just a little bit better. The idea is to think of something that is believable yet better instead of so dramatically different your brain can easily shoot it down to run & hide for even longer - for example, taking your last thought about being an influencer, there are many options: "it's possible if I spend some time online, I can find influencers in their 40s, 50s, and even 90s" (I found a grandpa @marcuspork literally without any effort because they showed up in my Instagram home page and I know a grandma @grandma_droniak so there are 2 right there), "I might want to do something else with my life in addition to/other than influencing as I learn to manage my mind," "it's possible other people out there think and feel this way too, generating similar results for themselves," and so on. Use whatever works best for you and practice those thoughts. I am doing that with my self-esteem right now, using:

"I can use existing information and what I observe to inform what I do" (because I often get completely overwhelmed and stuck very quickly and think I am incapable of anything)

"I have been through a lot mentally and, while I do not see that as significant or deserving any praise, it IS important context for where I am in life right now and why. It, like any other illness, might largely be outside my control and I am learning to take the smallest steps to change."

Also, what is it that you would like to do?

Your concerns are existential and extremely understandable. I will say that it always can get better, one small step at a type - just typing this out helped me tremendously this difficult morning since I essentially practiced the thoughts I suggested to you myself. I hope you find something that helps

[Against_the_current in reply to LearningPiano]

Thank you. Woah the way you explain is so impressive

[LearningPiano in reply to Against_the_current]

Wow, thank you for that compliment!

As I type, I am working on feeling how that landed in my body. I must have had the thought that "whoa, that was actually good? And helpful?!" which made me feel a warm stirring in my belly, radiating into my chest. This is very different from the feelings of tightness associated with anxiety, fear, and similar emotions. I had to remind myself to process those sensations just after feeling them to consciously and intentionally experience what it's like. And it worked! I was able to recreated them by thinking "whoa, that was actually good! And helpful!" (this time without questioning as you may have noticed haha - one little adjustment at a time :)). We often don't even register "positive" emotions (thank you, negatively-biased brain 🙄 /s although that can change with cognitive restructuring!) and it's so important to be aware of those emotions - not just the "hard" ones - to recognize, process, and celebrate. We are designed for the full range of the human experience, and I honestly relished these moments of mindfulness. So, though I wholeheartedly believe that our own thoughts cause our feelings, I appreciate the stimuli of the (what I interpret as) appreciative words you typed that helped facilitate my processing of satisfaction. Thank you

I shared that experience with you to not only prolong my enjoyment of satisfaction but to also walk you through one way to process an emotion in your body. I strongly believe it all starts there (unless you are so activated you first need to stabilize your nervous system with some of the exercises I mentioned earlier - happy to share more!). Only then can we engage directly with our thoughts, one step at a time.

The best part? I thought my explanation was messy, inarticulate, and useless when I typed it. Just goes to show how subjective our minds are and how completely off they can be

I'm working on not believing everything I think. Join me - let's journey together; you're not alone

[Against_the_current in reply to LearningPiano]

Amazing. I'm in. This sounds so helpful. But i can't stop thinking how i don't want to be in my body or to have landed. I didn't want to be born

[LearningPiano in reply to Against_the_current]

I totally get that we did not ask to be born! Here we are. I am working on trying to see that as neutral (e.g. "I am here") and questioning my resistance to and judgment of that by allowing it be there ("how natural/human of me to think about my existence this way").

[Against_the_current in reply to LearningPiano]

I don't want to exist...my mom has cysts. I'm scared. I'm a burden