Stress over adult daughter

[Donein47]

Our adult daughter is in an unhappy marriage, and I am unable to separate my happiness from her lack of happiness. They have four kids under 10 and she is a stay-at-home mom, so just leaving him isn’t an option. I think about her and the kids every waking moment, and that is affecting my relationship with my wife. I have begun counseling, but that doesn’t change the situation or my response to it.

[Sugaree]

hi, I have an adult daughter who is also in a very unhealthy marriage. At first there were calls in the middle of the night, and we would drive 6 hours to see her,or pay for her plane ticket to come here. He had a drug problem and still has alcohol problems. He has been in jail, under house arrest and in and out of rehab. She has chosen to stay,there’s no physical abuse. They have a 6 year old. Too many phone calls and too much drama for my husband and I. We have had health problems and decided we aren’t dealing with a teenager. Things have settled down for the last year or so. It hurt me that as a mother I couldn’t help her. We had to step back for our own health and peace. It’s hard not to worry about her and for a long time we were too involved. I hope your daughter will work things out on her own, for your sake.

[PoseyLane]

The fact that she knows you care really helps her, I'm sure. Can I ask what's keeping you up or why you can't stop thinking about it?

[Midori]

Hello Donein,

Welcome to the community. Could I ask you, for your own Internet safety, to lock your post to the community? If you go back to the original posting you will find at the bottom a thing that says who you want this to be seen by, Community or Everyone. Press for Community and you will have locked your post. It prevents your posting from being available to the whole of social media. If you have trouble. drop a message to one of the Administrators.

As another parent of the same age as yourself, you never lose the urge to sweep them up and protect them, do you?

Unfortunately your daughter is now an adult and needs to decide for herself how far she can allow this situation to continue, both for herself and her her children, as the boys especially may well be starting to assume that this is the way for men to be.

I speak from lived experience of the very thing you speak of. I escaped my abuser and went to a refuge for women in this kind of relationship. I obtained a court order to restrain him, and started divorce proceedings. These things can get unbelievably fraught.

Long story short, I brought up my children solo. It was tough, interference from the In-laws, and all kinds of nasty tricks. I became very depressed, but the needs of my children took me though.

My daughter is married with a son, and my son is my carer, as I am now disabled and he hasn't yet found the right partner.

There is hope for your daughter and children, Unfortunately you will need to take a back seat, unless she asks for your help. Too much pressure on her may have the opposite effect to what you wish for her.

Cheers, Midori