The Healthy Me Versus The Unhealthy Me

[Stillstanding53]

First I would like to humbly apologize to anyone who was feeling vulnerable and weak and I replied to you, cheering you on with encouragement. I was trying to help, not fully realizing how difficult it is sometimes. And certainly, if I can't inspire myself, I shouldn't be passing along advice to anyone else. So please accept my heartfelt apology.

So today, the positive and healthy side of me is fighting with the weak and very depressed side, who wants to give up. Why? Well, because I'm dealing with so many negative scenarios that I'm totally overwhelmed and can't find a way out. Looking for employment when you're 70 years old. Waiting to hear about possible criminal charges being filed against me. Waiting on an 8% rent increase that I can't afford. And will I be able to buy out my lease in 2 months or be without a car. Worrying about warnings from my oncologist. Trying to keep my creditors at bay until I file bankruptcy in August. Just basically worrying how I will survive. It's scary as hell, especially when you're totally alone. And honestly, it's just too much.

And I regret reaching out to my only sister and stepbrother for help, because their responses were unbelievably cruel and heartless. I will never understand how people can face themselves after deliberately hurting someone. That's one thing I can say that I've never done in my entire life. And these 2 people are ones that I myself helped along the way. Oh well!

It's a holiday weekend and many of us find those times difficult to navigate. I know that I do. I miss my parents and although it's been many years, the pain doesn't go away. I've been hurt by so-called friends and even family so deeply, that I don't want to bother trying again. And this goes back to the past and even recently. I feel as if I have a sign on my back. Bottom line is that I'm just so tired.

I don't know how to get out of this dark hole I'm in. Right now the only thing that's keeping me here is my cat who obviously depends on me to take care of her. I rescued her when she was abandoned at 5 years old and now she's 14 and experiencing kidney failure. So it's a lot of prescription food and meds, but so far she's doing well. Honestly, I would have to put her down if I wanted to end it all and I just don't have the heart to do that. I have had to do that to many pets during my life and it truly broke my heart.

I don't know what the answer is to feeling better. I pray, I read, I listen to music. I do yoga, but nothing helps. I just feel like this is the end.

I'm sorry if I sound like I'm throwing a pity part for myself. I'm just very sad and feeling hopeless right now.

[Sugaree]

hi, sorry you’re feeling so down today. Alot of what you said is so true for me too. My sisters are nasty to me ever since I moved across the country. I tried to talk to my grown daughters about my chronic, daily pain. I told them about my pinched nerves in neck and back and how I was coping. They told me I am not going to a good doctor or trying injections for pain relief. I wasn’t looking for sympathy, just trying to explain how life changing pain can be. I will not make that mistake again. My childhood was traumatic, leaving me with depression and anxiety.

So my friend you are not alone on this holiday weekend, I am also overwhelmed and sad. That’s my pity party for today. Hope we both have smiles tomorrow. I am glad you posted this and I saw it,makes me feel less alone.

[Stillstanding53 in reply to Sugaree]

hi sugar,

Thanks for replying. Pinched nerves are no joke and I know they can create incredible. pain. It would be great if people could be a bit more empathetic. I am sorry you’re also having a rough day, but many of us are in the same miserable place. And yes, communicating on this site makes me feel less alone as well. I hope you feel better and tomorrow is a better day for you.

[blackcat64013]

Hi,I am sending you a giant hug 🫂 across the ocean from Australia.

I am with you for as long as you need a listening ear.

Can I suggest a social service organisation like the Salvation Army for some personal support at this difficult time in your life?

Asking for help can be a big thing for some people but the benefits are worth it.

If you contact your city hall, you might find some local support at a local government level.

💜 🐈‍⬛

[Stillstanding53 in reply to blackcat64013]

Thank you so much for your reply. Believe it or not I have research several agencies and because my income level is above the maximum there are a few options available for me. You have to be at a poverty level in order to get some help. The struggling middle class just keeps struggling. It’s really absurd, I will keep looking. Thank you again.

[Arymretep]

I’m so sorry, you have such a lot going on, everything gets so much harder when you get older doesnt it (76) , im lucky I have my partner , but now he’s not well either with kidney failure so that’s more worry as it’s only the two of us , blackcat was right about getting some support from somewhere like age concern/Salvation Army, keep 🙏, x

[Stillstanding53 in reply to Arymretep]

Thank you for your reply. I hope your partner is doing as best as can be expected.

[Arymretep]

Thank you,👍

[Weatherwoman]

I can relate as I am All Alone (though I do have some relatives & friends None of them that I can really count on). My soul mate, Sig. Other passed away over a year ago, and he was my Anchor. We helped each other in all ways. We had no children, and I am now aging alone --will be 80 next Mo. Have health issues, physical & an Anxiety Disorder(s) which I've had all my life. This things about getting older & alone really gets to me & worried about some health issues which get worse with worrying, but my Health Anx. is really worse, at times. So, I am joining the "Pity Party!" Hope we will all improve. Hugs --sure miss those Hugs that I got constantly when I had my Sig. Other!

[Stillstanding53 in reply to Weatherwoman]

I am very sorry about Sig. it’s always so hard losing your soulmate at any age,but particularly as you grow older. I lost my husband back in 2014, but not to death. Rather to lying and infidelity. I think it would’ve been easier if he just dropped dead, sorry to say. However, my mom lost my beloved stepdad when she was 72 years old and the last 10 years of her life were so much more difficult when he wasn’t there. However, I’m glad that I spent so much time with her, especially after she got lung cancer. Growing old alone is not an easy task and I pray that we all have the strength to get through it as best as possible. Take care

[Weatherwoman in reply to Stillstanding53]

Thx. for your reply post. Sorry, too, about your lose of your Mom & the loss of a caring relationship with your ex-spouse. And, the loss of your beloved step-dad! It does seem as we age, we lose more people & that's a Hard one! Don't think of this when we are younger, usually! I am glad, too, that I spent A lot of time with my Mom --we went so many places together --she loved to shop, going to parks, and all on busses as she, nor I drove! She was called, "The Bus Lady," & I am now the "Uber Lady!" I am glad, too, for the 27 years with my Love, Mike! Though, I am still grieving, I won't trade any of the time we had together. My Mom used to say (after my Dad passed), "There is No happy ending!" Yep, she was right! Pray for our strength in navigating this new phase of our lives!

[Weatherwoman in reply to Weatherwoman]

Meant to say, the loss of a not so caring relationship with your ex-spouse!