My life has gotten a lot more stressful in the past few days. My mother and I got into an argument and it was so bad that I broke 'no contact' with my father after 7 years of very short interactions. I went to stay with him and my stepmother who I hadn't met. We ended up having a discussion where my father told me things that completely went against the stories my mother had told me about their relationship. Long story short, they've been highly abusive people and one of them is lying to me but I don't know who.
I've come to the conclusion that I can't trust either of them right now. I've already been in the worst headspace imaginable for four months straight so this being added on top has made things worse. I've been severely disassociated which makes it hard for me to filter myself and make good decisions because I'm barely present. It's still understandable and I'm almost grateful to be disassociated because it's just my brain's way of protecting itself from stuff that we can't handle.
Physically, I feel like I'm coming down with something but I know that it's probably just stress. It would be wise to remove myself from stressors but I've decided to stay at my mother's house and make sure my sister is taken care of. I'd probably be better off with my father but I still don't trust him. My stepmother is very nice but after a lifetime of being failed by parental figures and adults in general, it's extremely uncomfortable to meet someone who might truly love me.
I'm not looking for advice on how to cope. I've already talked myself out of trying. I'm also not looking for encouragement or motivation. I've already talked myself out of that too.
Feeling like I want to die 
i feel trapped like there no way out to this misery.. 
Feel like I am losing my mind
I feel like my life is going nowhere.
