I can totally tell that my kids, ugh they love me, would much rather spend time with my spouse. They have whole conversations with him/her, where I get one word answers mostly. They like the same tv shows/movies, where I much prefer other generes. So not only am a a little different from them already, I’m punished even further for being myself. I can’t look forward to grandkids.
They will definitely favor hanging and going places with the other grandparent. Talk with each other, etc. Like my kids; “yeah, yeah we love you mom but we’re not at all interested in really being a part of your life. “. Love, but from a distance. Who ******* wants that? Whenever we’re all together, the other parent loves joking a and constantly tells stories about their college days. I mean excessively. I have nothing like that. They tak about the beers they like and try out. I don’t really drink (can’t stand the taste) so there again, I have nothing to offer. They are all 20-somethings and the other parent can do no wrong. If I happen to get a touchy and try to let the other parent know, I get immediately jumped on by the kids. Never ever have they defended me or had my back in public for anything.
Long post, I know. The thing is, I still don’t feel better after venting. Why do I exist? If I didn’t accompany them to get together, they wouldn’t notice.
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Kangaroo_Alice
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Sorry you are feeling bad. Please don’t harm yourself. If I understand rightly, you feel excluded by your spouse and children and can’t find things in common to connect with them?
I think it’s not uncommon for one parent to connect better with the kids than the other. Am thinking about my own experience with my parents.
Do they realize how excluded you feel? Have you expressed your feelings to them?
Why don’t you look forward to grandkids? You might be surprised and have a grandkid who wants to be your best buddy!
in reply to
I think I might've gotten that wrong. Is it kids or grandkids we're talking about here?
Thanks Phil. My kids are currently the ones who don’t feel like hanging out. When/if I do have grandkids, I may as well not get any hopes up. I’ll always be the one that gets chosen only if no other choice is available. Same at work. The others I work with are really close, like family even though they’re technically not. I get usually a polite response to a friendly question, but they can spend a lot of time chatting with each other about personal stuff. Yet more writing on the wall as far as how much I’m worth.
Also Phil, I have kind of hinted at it with one of them and they said they thought I was a great mom, etc. But what good is that if it’s only lip service? And, of course, all other family members have great relationships with their kids, always texting, taking yoga classes, confiding in their moms all details of their lives. Yet even further evidence I am disposable.
If I tried to bring it up to the kids again, they tell me I’m being weird and why do I have to make everything so awkward.
First of all, please call a suicide hotline right away!!! You deserve to feel better!
Let me see if I understand. You have college-age grandchildren whom who don't feel really want to bond with you. Is this correct?
This might not be of much help, but when I was growing up I favored one set of grandparents. My paternal grandparents were just more active and young at heart. Once I got older, though, I realized that my maternal grandparents were interesting in their own way as well.
My kids are currently 20-something. I’m thinking about future grandkids. My kids know a ton about my spouse but they are not interested in talking about my past, etc. I’m being punished for being who I am.
But waiting till the grandkids are older to show any interest is too long. I’ll have given up by then. I think of how much I loved them when I was a stay at home mom, sacrificing my very happiness for their well being. Much of that time I was suicidal as well. For all that it turned out, I may as well have gone backpacking through Europe and Scandinavia for years like I wanted to.
That’s how my sister and I were with my parents — dad was fun, dad could do no wrong, mom was a jerk who hollared at everyone all the time. Took me until the age of 26 and learning about alcoholism to realize that mom had been under tremendous pressure to keep our lives whole and healthy, to keep dad from drinking and drugging himself to oblivion, to make us look “normal” to the outside world. Dad had been avoiding all responsibility, so he was easy to entertain and be entertained by (when he was sober, though probably when he was high, too. I was too young to tell the difference.)
Thanks c-mac. Yeah, it’s weird with me. My spouse was really good when the kids were little; disciplined them when they needed it. Hollered at them, played, etc. But it changed when the kids were in their teens. Then, they would be instantly forgiven, joked around with them even when they screwed up big time. But if I do anything wrong my spouse gets the ugliest, dirtiest look and chastises me, rubs my face in it and never lets me forget it.
I hope you’re right about the kids maturing and knows that fun and drinking is one thing, but that I have stuff to offer too. That is, if I have anything to offer.
That’s really nice of you to say! And then of course, I don’t want them having major problems, but that’s life. We all go through it at one time or another.
Sorry to hear that, Maybe You need to make more of an effort to interact with your kids? Your letter sounds like You don’t? Not saying you’re a bad parent but it sounds like you need to change how you Approach things when it comes to them?
You do ballet?! Nice!!! Do you know what would happen if I did ballet?? Hint: think tornadoes 🤪
I do exercise, though. I do spinning, weights and cardio. You are right; it does feel good!
I'm so glad you're doing better!! You deserve that much!
I am doing well, thanks for asking😊 Keeping busy with church things and decorating the house with fall items. I'm going to get a fall wreath for the front door tomorrow to complete everything!
I know you want to do more with your kids. Could you maybe make a schedule for yourself, where you put in times to do things with your kids? Our maybe you could have your kids help you decorate? Just some ideas.
Ha! I work out to ballet dances online, but believe me when I say my balancing abilities are pretty sucky. That’s great that you have several different exercises to keep it interesting. I also do cardio dance and yoga.
Are you decorating for Thanksgiving or just autumn in general? I want to do that for Christmas this year, more decorating than I usually do. Just hope I don’t fall into another abyss.
Of course, another abyss for me may be happening on Tuesday, depending on the results. I honestly don’t think I can watch the returns; my stomach is already in knots.
Your kids are still kids. Even though they are in their 20s. It sounds like the other parent is the fun-time parent. They need to grow up and appreciate their parents as human beings. And they will someday. When they have kids of their own their perspective changes and they will probably appreciate you is a different way. Until then, you work on feeling better and taking care of yourself. Then you will be ready to be a supportive parent for the next phase of their lives.
Don't cut I know its easy said than done as I'm in the same position if you need that pain buzz feeling to release that frustration and anger or just those feelings then try rubbing Jimmy nettles over your skin preferably bit of clean skin non cut as you don't wanna get infection.
Message me if you need a chat I'm always here & I'm usually in same position as I struggle on a daily routine & always trying new things out rather than using the knife
I'm just going through tough times with bullying I previously started self harming a while ago & attempted suicide multiple times. It's nice to have friends with similar issues to talk to
I HATE bullies with the heat of a thousand white-hot suns. I’m so sorry you have to deal with that. Is it in your workplace? Be nice to yourself! No self harming. I know, much easier said than done. But I started to make an effort to be compassionate and patient with myself. My thought is, I must do it because certainly not many others will! Are you feeling like they’re right and your self harming is kind of capitulation to their opinions? I keep trying to tell myself that it doesn’t matter if others aren’t impressed or interested in me. I am interested in me and I am warm and welcoming in my own head. And what’s in my head is pretty darned interesting!
I really fell off the wagon the other day and it hurts so bad. Must keep telling ourselves that it is SO much better not to let others decide how we’re going to feel. And yes, I know how incredibly hard it is in practice. We have to have each others backs! Please let me know if you’re feeling better.
I can SO relate. My ex husband was a lousy dad. After 28 years he broke up the family by divorcing me & marrying someone 3 years older than our son. And yet now the kids act like he is so great, always worrying about him etc. I was practically a single mom raising 4 kids in next to poverty . They forgot I guess. I feel your frustration & pain.
Aw I’m really sorry to hear you went through such a rotten time. Doesn’t it feel, literally, like a huge gut punch? When you gave so much of yourself and the person who broke up the family is the one who gets the concern, the compassion, etc. I hope you don’t lose confidence in the fact that you gave it your all. It’s still continuing; your life still has lots of possibilities, especially with your kids.
With the issue of exclusion by a group, it's something that is a vicious cycle - the more left out you feel, the worse it becomes. The more you withdraw, the harder it is to get back into the group. I was lucky that I fit in at school and at work until I went to grad school. For some reason, and for the first time in my life, I felt very excluded by my class so I kept to myself until I was like a hermit for 3 years, in a foreign city with no friends. Looking back, I wonder how it started and why it started, and why I've never had the same problem anywhere else. I think it's cos I started acting aloof after I felt excluded...
Since it would be bad to keep away from your own family, try to ignore your feelings of exclusion. Actively push these thoughts away. That way, you will be more likely to interact with them and wouldn't be putting out "weird" vibes.
Yes, I can believe how scary it must be to have this problem, seemingly out of nowhere. You’re at sea trying to know what to do or how to react. What city were you in? Were you kind of a recluse for 3 years there? Are you still struggling with exclusion feelings?
Yeah, you’re right, I’ll try not to automatically to react as I normally do. It’s so hard, as this is a many decades long thinking pattern. Thanks for the advice and concern! Hope we can chat and get through our incredibly low times!
I was quite hurt but as a confident, young person at the time, I decided that if they didn't care for me, then I didn't care for them either! lol Obviously, this is a bad approach to making friends. The environment I was in was also very competitive, so I just focused on my work.
Yes, please come and chat with this great community whenever you feel alone. There are a lot of incredibly supportive people here. As I said to someone, everyone here is in pain and yet have so much love and support to give others. This shows that we are all worthwhile. You are worth much more than you think, so please don't ever give up on yourself.
Being a parent is way so tough I find myself constantly worrying about the kids but at the same time not wanting to intrude in thier lives we are close but not so close if that makes sense they know im always here no matter how many times they may he frustrated with me or something like that i try everyday to be mindful and wanting so much for them to be proud, sometimes it takes until they get way older and have kids of thier own to fully understand ? Im unsure, but please correct me if i am wrong it sounds like you've been going through something similar to what i went through which is when we have children when we are younger and end up doing the stay home role life can get so busy most of our focus can get lost on all the daily ups downs and inbetweens, we stop our emotional growth,our own wellbeing, lose touch of our innerselves, we sacrificed yes but so did they , we put our own happiness and lives on hold in many ways especially if things are rough and there is no support or anyone to reach out to (rolemodels etc) i had nobody to turn to for advice there were time where i needed serious real guidance and had none i also screwed up a lot (which makes me sad) .I went through what I was told was grief of lost time of self growth and discovery which was normal yet at the same time they were angry and upset with me now they know there was just so much i didn't know and understand i was alway made to feel crazy for believing in spiritual things and religion so i stopped pursuing those curiosites i felt unworthy and like maybe if I didn't exist anymore thier lives would be easier and better even when i was told thats not true i still felt that way.
Realize they way you feel is normal continuing to let those negative feelings consume you is not good i totally understand you want to share with them as well maybe because you feel they could understand more? Just know they know and its okay and they love you a lot.💖💜
My way now is to live for my purposes which is also them the only thing im stuck on is how and where to from here?
Ive asked but had no definitive answers
Also felt times where i just want to scream out into my cushion ffs lordy give ke some freaking direction lol.
You'll be fine your a tough cookie and besides we are here to help and support each other the best way we can.
Try and keep positive,try and stay in the moment and enjoy each moment when you feel those negative vibes or feelings find something to self soothe if thats possible, take a breath tell yourself you are awesome ( we are all awesome in our little ways), try and relate to the topic on hand idk i hope some of this helps also are you able to take some time to do idk like a pamper session either by yourself or with your partner or maybe with some mates? I used to do this with the fam years ago.
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