Went over to my friends house last Sunday. There were like 6 of us. We watched the new fallout show. It was a good time. I also learned a lot about myself and analyzing my behavior. I think my entire life I've never told anyone how I felt because of that fear from growing up and feeling ostracized. There was 8 of us in one house. Brothers and parents. They were all angry emotionally undeveloped kids. Including my youngest brother who was in 5th grade when we lived at our original home out of the state I am in now. I usually never had anyone to go too for help and I've fully accepted that now. I learned that I need to tell people how I feel about them. I talked to my friends sister for example. She was someone who was an inspiration to me because of the hard time earlier in her life and getting past it when she was older. She told me a lot about trauma, and the survival state. After working on and thinking about a lot. I said thank you and told her how I felt about her for the help she gave me. She probably knows more about me than a lot of my friends, even though I've known my friends since I was a kid. After that I told everyone what I would like to do and that I can't help myself alone. Not anymore. Its unsustainable, lonely, painful, and just plain terrible. We're gonna probably have a barbecue and just all talk about our lives and stuff. It would let me talk to them and it's the most liberating feeling. I'm sure it's helping them too since they're all in collage and stuff being too busy to do anything.
I also have been doing more body connection practices. Like sitting on my cars hood and feeling and touching a piece of grass or a headband I've been wearing while I look around me and focus on the environment around me. Going outside without a jacket covering my arms too helps.
My story about family, coping with depression, and lack of support
Depressed with no friends
Was doing good until today.
