Would like some support (SAD)

[EricJones]

Hey guys I'm dealing with social anxiety and the fear of people. I'm hyper vigilant around people and scan my environment for threats. I'm trying to do this less, so I'm here to seek help, thanks.

[Stilltrying2]

I think you will find a very supportive, safe community here. I know that is the way I feel here. You are not alone. There are many kind and caring people here willing to listen.

[EricJones in reply to Stilltrying2]

is there anywhere to chat with people about your problems?

[gajh]

Hello and Welcome. You will find a lot of support here.

[EricJones in reply to gajh]

i'd like to chat with you about my struggles with social anxiety

[gajh in reply to EricJones]

Sure. I am here.

[EricJones in reply to gajh]

so I have this problem where I'm hyper vigilant when I'm around people and i get nervous that they'll pick up on this. how likely are people to notice my hyper vigilance?

[gajh in reply to EricJones]

People are not likely to notice it at all. People are much more focused on themselves than on you.

[EricJones in reply to gajh]

so they wont tell if I'm showing signs of standoffish behaviors, like (head looking down at the ground, me flinching) things like that?

[gajh in reply to EricJones]

They really don't notice or even think about it if they do. People are much more focused on themselves.

[EricJones in reply to gajh]

so if i think i'm showing signs of weird, awkward or unfriendly behaviors....it doesn't register with people or they ignore it, or they don't care?

[gajh in reply to EricJones]

Exactly. You are the only one worrying about it.

[EricJones in reply to gajh]

how are you so confident with answer. how do you know this to be true?

[gajh in reply to EricJones]

I know there are whole books written about this. I can't think of any titles, but I did find this one thing. bilizmaharjan.com/people-ca... I can keep looking for more.

[EricJones in reply to gajh]

you seem very smart. i wonder if you are right about people not giving a shit about what I do or how i behave

[gajh in reply to EricJones]

There are a lot of books on social anxiety. I don't have a certain title to recommend, but there are a lot if you search Amazon. Many people have gone through this and many people recover. You can recover from this. Agora1 is very, very wise. She has overcome her anxiety and agoraphobia. I am still recovering myself. I have not overcome it yet, but I am in the process. This is a great place to get support on your journey.

[MaggieSylvie in reply to EricJones]

If you pay attention to people, you will see that this is true. Do you want people to notice your weird or unfriendly behaviour? People might notice that you want to be noticed.

[gajh in reply to EricJones]

Here is another one verywellmind.com/what-is-th...

[gajh in reply to EricJones]

Just search "the spotlight effect" on google. More articles come up.

[EricJones in reply to gajh]

so does any way of being yourself work basically, because know one is judging you or caring about your existence?

[gajh in reply to EricJones]

You can learn not to judge yourself when you stop worrying about other people judging you. Yes you can just be yourself.

[EricJones in reply to gajh]

so what do i do when i feel like my internal thoughts or body language is noticeable? how do i handle a situation like that?

[gajh in reply to EricJones]

I know this is much easier said than done and it takes time to practice and learn. Do not focus on that fear. Do not let yourself think about what the other person is noticing. Just keep doing what you are doing without thinking about it.

[EricJones in reply to gajh]

should I not think about that because it's not really happening people are noticing me notice them? they are noticing themselves and other things more interesting to themselves?

[gajh in reply to EricJones]

Exactly. Don't even think about it or worry about it.

[EricJones in reply to gajh]

because it's not really happening...any danger i think is near is all in my head, people arent monitoring me or paying attention to the threat scanning behaviors?

[gajh in reply to EricJones]

Exactly. There is no danger. There is nothing to fear. That is just anxiety. It is not real.

[EricJones in reply to gajh]

and you're sure they're paying attention to themselves? if i do something weird or awkward its ignored?

[gajh in reply to EricJones]

Yes they are paying attention to themselves. Even if you did do something weird or awkward, it does not matter at all. Don't judge yourself. Don't judge what you are doing. You are just fine.

[EricJones in reply to gajh]

do you have Facebook or another form of social communication?

[gajh in reply to EricJones]

No I do not. I can definitely stay in touch with you here though. I am here every day. I wanted to tell you. You mention scanning. I am not sure if you mean the same, but my boyfriend, who does not have anxiety, is always looking around and taking in his environment. When we go to a restaurant he needs to sit facing the exit. He prefers with his back to the wall, but that is not always available. He always sits facing the exit. This does not bother me at all. It is what makes him feel comfortable. If you have anything like that, it is totally ok. You can do whatever you need to do to feel comfortable.

[EricJones in reply to gajh]

and people accept this? I'm always allowed to make myself feel uncomfortable even if it seems weird to other people?

[gajh in reply to EricJones]

Yes you are absolutely allowed to make yourself feel comfortable. Who cares if it feels weird to people? I do not think it is weird about my boyfriend. I just support him. People who care about you should support you. People who don't care don't matter.

[EricJones in reply to gajh]

because my movements are a bit robotic and slower than I'd like them to be, but its because I'm thinking about how I'm coming across within the moment as I pay attention to others around me. I get slower/robotic the more I focus on them....how much am I standing out?

[gajh in reply to EricJones]

Exactly. Your worrying about how you are coming across to others is increasing what you are worrying about. If you stopped worrying about how you were coming across to others, it would lessen. You do not have to judge your movements at all. Just be yourself. It is ok. You are ok.

[EricJones in reply to gajh]

just be myself even if I'm weird?

[gajh in reply to EricJones]

Yes even if you are "weird." You are the one judging yourself as weird. Just because you are different does not make you weird. You don't have to call yourself weird. Just be YOU.

[EricJones in reply to gajh]

people really don't care how I come across, they're not judging me, I'm the one criticizing myself and putting myself down, no one else is?

[gajh in reply to EricJones]

Exactly. You are just fine the way you are. You will be even better once you realize that.

[EricJones in reply to gajh]

okay....so do you struggle with social anxiety yourself or did in the past?

[gajh in reply to EricJones]

I have anxiety. I have a very hard time leaving the house, "agoraphobia." I can't really identify what exactly my anxiety is about so I am not sure if it is social anxiety or just generalized anxiety disorder. I have a very hard time leaving the house by myself, but it has become much less hard to go out with my boyfriend. I also have done two treatments which are not covered by insurance and are expensive. I use an Alpha Stim a medical device. That helped a lot to reduce the daily anxiety that I felt even while being at home. I still had anticipatory anxiety about going out though. Then I did LENS Low Energy Neurofeedback System that really helped me to start going out with my boyfriend. So I am still working on it. Not there yet. I still use my Alpha Stim every day for 60 minutes. The support that I have gotten from this site has helped me so much. I stay in touch here every day with people who understand. I get great inspiration from Agora1 who fully recovered from agoraphobia and anxiety. You do not have to go through this alone.

[EricJones in reply to gajh]

can you send me a separate request to talk with me in my chat spot?

[gajh in reply to EricJones]

I just sent you a chat. Let me know if you do not get it for any reason.

[MaggieSylvie in reply to gajh]

I thought everyone was more comfortable facing the exit. It is generally accepted that the man should allow the woman to sit facing the exit if she wants to - just good manners.

[Hidden in reply to EricJones]

And if they did show some kind of reaction would it make any difference to you? Would their noticing bother you?

[EricJones in reply to Hidden]

It would bother me because I'd think they were thinking I was a weird person and I'd feel they would shame me for it

[Hidden in reply to EricJones]

Well my friend, unless you can read minds, you would only be guessing at what they were thinking. At best their wondering what's for lunch.

I used to imagine that people were talking negatively about me, that I was less than. I was a grown man by then. I had some counseling & therapy also. I came to discover that when I gave up caring what people thought that I was free to go about my life not imagining what they were thinking. Most of us would be surprised just how little other people think about us. There is no shame in doing ordinary, everyday things like shuffling your feet or sneezing. 👍🏼

[Agora1]

Hi bugsramsey1022 and Welcome to a caring supportive community.

I read something that resonated with me and hope it helps you as well.

"When I was in my 20's, I thought everyone was looking at me and judging me"

"When I was in my 40's, I didn't care what others thought or said" and

"When I was in my 60's, I realized that they never were thinking about me"

As I personally go through the stages of life, I realize how true this.

We're happy to have you here with us xx

[EricJones in reply to Agora1]

so people don't think about us? they don't notice small things that you do that may be embarrassing or irritating?

[Agora1 in reply to EricJones]

People are so self centered now a days, that caring about another person has

gone out the window. I tend to see more people with their heads buried in their

phones then caring what's around them.

It's our anxiety that prompts us to think the whole world is looking at us.

I went through that myself. I use to mutter under my breath, "take a picture it

will last longer". I was so self conscious as well as angry at these people who

had nothing better to do than to stare and judge me.

But they weren't judging me, I was judging myself in having an inner insecurity. xx

[Hidden in reply to EricJones]

You answered your own question. 👏🏼

[Bastian7 in reply to EricJones]

I think some people do make a quick assessment or judgment of how you come across. There definitely is this thing called 'first impression' and for most people it takes just seconds to get a person's 'vibe'. I think we all do it.

But those who are really good to be around will be patient and empathetic, and not jump to conclusions if they think you come across as a bit 'different' (whatever that means). Those who think you're 'weird' are likely to be shallow and not great for you to have in your circle, so they will filter themselves out - win/win.

At the end of the day, in my view, the most important question to ask is 'So what if people are coming up with their on impression/judgment of me?'. It's everybody's right to make some kind of evaluation of another person - but that has surprisingly little to do with you. It's based on their own system of values and experiences.

I don't believe that there is a single person on this Earth who is liked by everyone in their circles. Some will like you, some will not, and most will be indifferent. It's the same experience for all of us.

[EricJones in reply to Bastian7]

thank you for your post. i'm always so preoccupied of what people think that it gets in the way of my life. its nice to hear that you broke it down so simply. some people will like you some will not and most will be indifferent

[EricJones]

so people really do not judge you? they are living a life so wrapped up in their own bubble they don't have time to judge you?

[hypercat54]

2 things. First is that others are much too busy thinking about themselves and their own lives to give much thought to others.

Second is try and concentrate on putting the other person at ease so they enjoy conversing with you. If you aren't sure about social cues etc. watch what others do and learn from them. It works.

Its good you are getting therapy as that should hopefully help.

[Mumma_h]

Thankyou for starting this conversation !! And being brave enough that ask these questions , it’s been a real eye opener for me . I’m soooo concerned about what another people think of me . I’m starting to think maybe it is true , they don’t really care and aren’t judging every move I make or everything I say

[SameTimeTomorrow7]

I had that problem once, too. In my case, it gradually went away on its own, as the years passed. If you're a young person, give it time. Positive self talk can help. Good luck!

[Peacely]

Hi. I am that way too. I could go I to all the reasons why but you asked for just support so I will not at this time. What has helped me is 3 things so far. 1. to find peaceful things in the environment of the people that bring me relaxation like a window with preferably nature outside it, a painting a vase of fake flowers someone sweater with nice material. a pet if you like pets, basically anything in the environment that I could find stillness in amongst the hustle and bustle of people.And the then I just focus in on breathing while I frequently focus on that object until I can bring myself back in to fully engaging with them. It brings me down from wanting to bolt out of the room and helps me tolerate the people as they are draining and overwhelming to me. In the words of Echart Tolle "find stillness". 2. Limit your interaction time so each interaction can be successful and you can build on successful habits and tools that allow you to extend further social time later.In other words don't have long difficult social experiences all the time.Because it just supports your social anxiety.Make them successful experiences bybusi g tools like finding stillness and breathing techniques so you can learn to be successful in that environment.3. If you are, stop judging others, or comparing yourself to others, this helps a ton in being more relaxed because you also then learn to stop judging yourself which allows you to just be you which is liberating.

[Teaching]

Hope you got the help you needed