Anxiety

[MiraJane]

I’m not quite sure where to begin.

Last year I had my younger daughter and then I had a stroke 5 days later. My fiancée who had never even held a baby was suddenly charged with taking care of me (my entire right side was paralyzed, I couldn’t see out of both of my eyes, & my memory and speech there but like a 1/10) and my younger daughter (my older daughter is 12 I HAVE done this before). We had no support. His sister came out for one week and that was our support, she is a wonderful person just a very busy mom, wife, and worker ❤️.

Basically about two months into my recovery I noticed some bruising on my baby, took her to the dr and then the er thinking it could be a bleeding disorder bc I didn’t have any answers on what caused my stroke at that point. Long story short they ruled them accidental and TOOK HER. My fiancé had held her leg too tight while changing a poopy bc he was puking into his shirt while changing her. We started fighting to get her back.

Now it’s been a year. I just got her back 1 & 1/2 months ago. In order to do so I had to move in with my mom, away from my fiancée bc they saw him as the problem. We’re now a little over 3K miles away from each other.

During all of this I broke down once. Beyond that I have remained strong, kept pushing, kept a brave face, never let them see me angry.

BUT now that my daughter is back I’m ALWAYS so anxious. Did she just bump her knee? Will that be a bruise? Are they gonna take her again? Ope she just bumped her head on the floor 🤞 nothing pops up.

I’m nervous they’ll say I’m not doing a good enough job so I’m sweeping 4X’s a day, doing the dishes anytime a dish is in the sink, picking up constantly.

I’m nervous they’ll say I’m not feeding her well enough so I got some enfagrow toddler formula and I homemake allll of her meals to very specific things. Breakfast is fruit and fortified baby oatmeal. Lunch is grains such as whole grain pasta or brown and wild rice, dairy such as cottage cheese, a mix of green beans, peas, carrots, and corn, with a protein but she doesn’t like whole meat so she needs ground meat like some turkey meat balls using ground turkey. Dinner she’ll eat another meal much like lunch and if she wants some of what I cooked for the adults she can have some. On top of all of her baby fortified snacks.

I trim her nails once a week now bc she gave herself a dot sized scratch on her nose.

And my therapist had been working on me cleaning a little less and relaxing a little more bc I had told her by the end of the day once she’s in bed I just don’t have the energy to like play a game online with my boyfriend or anything. Exhausted.

[Agora1]

Hi MiraJane, your therapist is so right dear in that it's time to give yourself some

credit for all you do. (maybe even overdo)

Taking care of a young child is a full time job for sure. You don't need to add

additional chores that exhaust you completely in enjoying what you have.

Having been a Foster Mom and an Adoptive mother of two, it all boils down to

DCF seeing and knowing the children are loved and taken care of.

They aren't looking for that dirty cup or dish in the sink.

They do look through the eyes of that child to know they are well cared for.

You did good, now it's time to take care of MiraJane as well. :)xx

[secrets22]

Oh my, you have a lot going on here and I understand your anxiety, you must be feeling totally exhausted. My healing thoughts are with you.

[Kinlay]

Oh honey, that is more than ANYONE should have to deal with! First, cut yourself some slack. I do not believe they would take her away because your home isn't perfectly clean. The foster care system is so overwhelmed that they are more likely to look for reasons for her to stay with you than leave. The scratch thing is perfectly normal (my sister, who is dealing with far less, and my step-daughter, also dealing with far less, both had that happen to their babies and freaked out as well - NORMAL!), but you are clearly on top of it. And you have your Mother at least willing to have you live with her. And clearly you have recovered more from your stroke if you are able to care for your daughter, so YAY! Focus on enjoying your beautiful baby and working with your doctor. You WILL get through this. Sending positive thoughts and prayers for you!!

[MiraJane]

Thank you everyone, it’s honestly just all so much and I’m trying to do better about giving myself grace because no one else has!! I constantly have meetings. Once a week visitation from a parenting teacher, I had already done it in Hawaii but they wanted me to do it again so they could check in on Emma once a week. Once a month court, once a month with her GaL and social worker, once a month with the Icpc worker, once a week with court required therapy, and so on. So I’m just tired 😪