My husband cheated on me once at the beginning of our marriage. It took me awhile to forgive this. When I finally was able to somewhat get over it, the woman he cheated on me with is now with his brother. She goes to family events and his family accepts her like their daughter in law as well... no one knows that my husband cheated on me with her or that my husband and her had a previous intimate relationship, not even the brother. I don't go to family events anymore because it does trigger me due to me having a history with anxiety and depression, seeing her just reminds me of what happened and makes the emotions come back. It hurts seeing my in-laws be so nice to someone who belittled me and is secretly so mean.. because I don't want my husbands family to see him differently, I keep it all to myself. They think I'm petty for not going to events and are starting to not like me because I cant tell them the truth of why I don't go. It hurts seeing people who used to love me, love someone who played a part in ruining me and how I view myself..
Cheating/anxiety advice. : My husband... - Anxiety and Depre...
Cheating/anxiety advice.
I went through that a few years ago with my husband it took a long time to trust again. One day went to church and she was there. I walk up to her introduce myself and welcome her and her family to our church. Never saw her again. I really was trying my hardest to be welcoming them.
I tell myself to be welcoming and that the past is the past but I just cant bring myself to even say Hi to someone who belittled my weight and appearance while I was pregnant, at a time I needed people the most. she had no remorse and was happy to get him to cheat, she even bragged about it.. its just hard.
It's hard. I know. Do what best for you. You are who important.
You should live the life you want. If you want to stay in the relationship then stay. But if you want to go to family functions I would go.
I would have told everyone that this women was the other women.
I would leave the cheater because although you forgave this person, this women is still apart of this life of yours.
Why should you not go to family functions because of her and him?
If you don’t feel comfortable going to family functions and you been living with anxiwty because of him and her, I say break those chains off.
You deserve everything good in life. You should not have to live with others behaviors causing you anxiety.
You feeling anxiwty is normal. I would freak out at family events so, these two people are lucky 🍀 they have you.
Her husband is just as guilty he should tell his parents the truth sense he’s the one that cheated
If you still feel anxious about the situation, did you ever truly forgive him? Are you being honest with yourself about how you feel about the whole thing? (I’ve recently been cheated on, I’m struggling to come to terms with everything that’s happened to me).
The fact that she’s a trigger is absolutely to be expected, and I’m so sorry you feel that way because of their actions, it’s not fair.
If the truth came out, they would be more understanding, but I’m sure it would also cause a massive fallout between everyone, including you and your husband. Or you carry on as you have been and avoid her and family events for your own mental well-being and sanity. I’m sorry I don’t know what else to say, it’s a real difficult one 😔 much love to you ✌️
Very difficult and I don't know what I would do in your situation. The only thing I will say is that your husband didn't think of your feelings when he cheated did he? He has far more to lose than you though and I guess it depends on whether you see the rest of your life with him.
He didn't think of my feelings, I know that. and I know I shouldn't care if other people know the truth because it is him & her, not me. Its just in my heart and mentally I know I can't be careless or heartless, its just not me. I've always been a "take one for the team" kinda person.. I do see a future with him, its just hard to keep looking to the future when theres always a constant reminder of what happened.
He has broken your trust and you need to build it up again. Some people couldn't take being cheated on whereas some can. It depends on whether you can both get past this and move on.
If you've been strong enough to forgive him then he should be strong enough stand up and say what he has done. Yes, he made a mistake, a big one. But he isn't owning that mistake is he? He isn't being responsible for his mistake.
He is decieving his brother and his parents. They must wonder why you don't join them? You are the one missing out and having your mental health affected because your husband has not taken any action to rectify what he has done.
Secrets and lies get you nowhere in a family. I think this will only eat away at you and cause you to be resentful and I can understand why.
You husband was decietful and is still being so and possibly blaming your off behaviour for not joining in on you, although the entire situation vwas created by him. It's actually very selfish if him in my opinion. Is that the behaviour big someone who really loves you? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this? Is this the best you can be?
He needs to stand up and be accountable vfor what he did and his subsequent behaviour which is having a very negative effect on your mental health. If things were OK you wouldn't have posted.
Be strong, be you. You only get one life. This is on him not you.
Good luck.
Yes! I feel sick to my stomach thinking about how hard this must be. I went through a thing with mere coworkers where there were secrets and I was ousted for speaking the truth. And it suuuuuuucked. It still sucks having to see them and be around them. They aren’t remorseful and I can’t forgive them completely. But, I am finding my worth. See, this group that ousted me is a bunch of jerks. They’ll readily admit it. And I was the one person who legitimized them. I made them look like nice people. Without me, they just look like a big group of pretentious a**holes. So, I’ve stuck around long enough to see that. 🤗.
Man, if I were vlc101, I would be super friendly and yet casting shade at every BBQ. I’d be saying things like, “Man, I hope you don’t cheat on that hot dog with another hot dog.” 🤣🤣 Or “Gee, girl, does this cole slaw look like a home wrecker to you? I kinda think so.” 🥳🥳“I like your earrings. I hope they stay in your ears and don’t accidentally poke someone else’s ears.” 🤩🤩. I’m kidding...a little....I hope I made you laugh,
vlc101 .
Even though this probably isn't the best advice, it was much NEEDED. I think this is the first time I've got a laugh in about the situation instead of tears.. Thank you ❤️
hi vlc, and welcome to HU!
i'm so sorry to hear what you're going thru. family can be the greatest asset or your worst enemy. and usually - they're BOTH! :-|
.
i'd like to point out some obvious things... for me - it helps to keep reminding myself... (at least i think it helps... people say it helps... 
yea - i believe it helps... some... maybe.... 
).
we can't control our partner's behavior. some of them will cheat. some will cheat - not out of malice or even desire - but because of weakness. some of them will cheat with malice or forethought. you're still with your husband, so it's safe to assume he falls into the former group. and i commend you for forgiving him. at least i assume you have- otherwise it'll be a rocky road.
the only thing you can control - is who you let into your life - and how you react to them - and the reacting part (controlling it) aint easy.
so if you can't deal with your triggers - then congrats to you - for eliminating them as best you can. if i were you - i'd want to try and change that, so i could participate in family gatherings. but i presently HATE every single member of my family - and i'm no one to talk.
i just had a text exchange w/ my brother this morning - over dinner which includes a nephew that as chosen NOT to vaccinate. i'm torn and pissed off beyond belief. i'll have to choose the lessor of 2 evil's - and as yet - i don't even know which that is.
this kind of spit SUCKS.
but first and foremost - i think we need to consider our own health. which choice causes us the least amount of pain, and is healthiest for us in the long term. having said that - i'm not the least bit closer to a decision. but at least i know what that decision should be based on. so that should count for something.
i'm trying to convince me as much as you! so - like you - i'm just a work in process. we need to forgive ourselves MOST OF ALL. i'm hoping your better at that than i am!!
Yep, this. I agree 100%. He didn't stand up for her before, so now it's time for him to do double time and man up, explain to everyone that his wife isn't the problem and in fact he and his brothers girlfriend are. I would be a little more empathetic with the girlfriend (as she isn't the one who cheated) in a different situation, but in this case is doesn't sound like she deserves it. She was proud of herself and sounds like she definitely knew he was married when she pursued him. Sorry, they both deserve to be exposed and OP deserves a damn medal for keeping their secret for them for this long. And I really feel like the brother has an actual right to know about it.
I wish he would stand up to his family and just say what happened.. so they wouldn't look at me differently as a person and just understand for my mental health its better for me to stay away from certain situations.. but for some reason he just doesn't. I've been waiting for the day he does, but I don't think its ever coming): I understand that the girlfriend owes me no loyalty, my husband does. and that it was his mistake to me.. shes more so of a trigger because of the things she would say and do while the cheating was happening, like belittle me without knowing me, make fun of my appearance at a time i was pregnant while calling me fat and ugly (worse things as well but id rather not repeat), all while bragging to others about getting my husband to cheat on me, etc... its just hard to know she's genuinely a mean person and I have to watch my in laws fall inlove with someone who behind closed doors is so mean and cruel... they just dont know it):
I want the brother to know, even if it means the rest of the family never has to know.. i just want him to understand my point of view on things.. but my husband wont say anything and I cant bring myself to do it out of fear itll blow up into some big family thing then fall back on me like im the problem for saying something..
I understand way too well. I've been cheated on many times throughout our marriage and I'm just supposed to suddenly trust him because he says he was being stupid and hes done acting that way. ,I really dont know why I'm still with him. But none of those women are still in my life! You need to do what is best for you, if you want to stay with him ok, but if you dont want to go to events she is at DON'T! And if people ask why you tell them why. Do not make excuses it only makes things worse. Be honest. Don't worry about making him look bad, he did that himself. He wasnt worried about you when he was cheating
Exactly. She has a right to answer questions truthfully when she's asked why she isn't attending. That's not gossiping, it's being honest, and OP definitely doesn't have a duty to these people to keep their affair a secret.
I've learned if you hold your feelings and the truth in it only destroys you more
I really dont say much on here, because of fear of judgment. And putting myself out there but this is a topic I know well and I believe this is why I started having severe panic attacks. I'm here if you need to chat privately.
YOU ARE SO STRONG!!!
My now ex wife was the cheat in my marriage & I lost all trust as once the trust is broken I found that I couldn't trust my girlfriends going forward & my instinct proved to be correct as they wanted me to put them before my kids & thats never happening. So the fact you forgave him leaves me in awe of you .
I'm not really fit to comment on this but here I am. I would tell the mother in law the whole truth 1 on 1 & explain to her why you don't attend family functions with her there. That way the truth is there & I bet you ur MiL is aware of something but not 100% as a woman notices slight changes like it's their super power.
I'm giving you my perspective as a man & hope you come to the solution that ur happy with & can move forward & be absolutely happy with ur life.
Me I believe in karma & truth & honesty with the latter 2 essential in trust , especially with the person you took marriage vows with. With trust broken & even if I've forgiven the person I wouldn't be able to trust them completely .
Thank you for being that man that refuses to put a woman before your children. My daughter's father has allowed his participation in her life to be dictated by whatever relationship he happens to be in. Surprisingly, the women usually have good intentions in that they try to force him to have a relationship with his daughter. But since he's a great liar, they don't realize that as soon as they are gone so is his daughter, and it's damaging to her to be used as an accessory to con woman into thinking you're super dad.
Thank you & now they in their 20s they doing their own thing but I'm just as protective. When I used to work & speak to work colleagues who were female & tell them about how my ex walked out on the kids & me, they're all shocked how a woman could walk away from her kids but then I'm the same with I don't understand how a father doesn't want to know his own children. Crazy
Your brother in law deserves to know the truth.
I have always said If anyone ever cheated on me, I would never stay with them. The reason for this as it would turn me into someone iam not insecure, jealous and unforgiving. What your partner did is unforgivable and unforgettable. If you choose to forgive you really have to let it go or walk away. In regards to his family I would invite everyone round and make a huge speech and inform everyone. This is also another reason why I would walk away. Hats of to you if you find it in your heart to truly forgive
That’s so hard but ur the only one suffering, I’m sorry for that. Are u close with ur mom in-law maybe u can tell her. So she May understand without telling anyone else l. Ur worried about everybody else While u suffer in silence, ur husband is the one who needs to make it right for u, ask him if he tells is parents the truth an ask them to keep it to them selfs that’s the least he should do . Does he go to family events an leave u home?
I try telling my husband that holding it all in is eating away at me, he just doesnt get it.. He goes to family events and leaves me home.. his family always ask "oh where is she?" And he just comes up with various excuses everytime.. never actually tells the real reason.. his family used to love me, now they just get annoyed when I dont come because they dont understand why.. theyre starting to fall inlove with her instead because she shows up and now im just the problem instead.. its just hard sometimes to try to get past something when the past is always right there infront of you.
HI, it reminds me of my life.
So what's the advice that I can give you? let it go. you will feel better and in time, at peace with yourself. This is how it works. And you will get rid of your depression and find contentment in the meantime, maybe with a good person. On this advice, I can give a guarantee - forgetting works. Forgiving is even better but we are all human, so... I have neither forgotten or forgiven. But to a point I am at peace. Best wishes.
Forgiving and forgetting is a huge task, perhaps the most difficult thing to do. I still haven't got there. There must be justice in this world, but maybe we just have to wait for the next one. Better forgive though, you can give yourself more space to live and enjoy life.
Best wishes nevertheless
Max
There is so much good advice in this thread.... What is your husbands stance on this whole situation? What does he say when you tell him how much anxiety this gives you? You are doing a great job at being the bigger person, it has to be difficult. Maybe couples counseling would be an option, someone to talk both you and your husband through all of the emotions that you are facing. Prayers to you.....
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