Do all posts grab your attention? ( TRIGGER WARNING)

[Cb1963]

I've never been one for grammar, and how I approach my posts are always tactful, at first when you reply to a person I feel we have to be empathetic and try and understand how the other person feels, and normally things can progress if you get to the know the other person a bit more closely. It's difficult trying to to assess each others wording sometimes as the "information" can get crossed wire's, I often try and look at this situation like a crossword without the clues,as I've got older I think I managed the forum fairly well, given honest advice, and had a few jokes to let the other person I've got a sense of humour, but like with anything things can go wrong, we all have a different sense of humour, it's a bit like we all don't like the same food.

Yes I can type away to anyone who needs help, and I think it's a priority to think what I write back, myself I've had lots of different issues to deal with, both physical and mentally, and sometimes I know I can go on, hence this long post, I don't think as much when I'm sat alone and life just passes by, which leads me to living on my own, you get anniversaries of loved ones who have passed away,thinking about my elderly mother (88) and what a MUM she is, both my parents grafted hard, and sadly my dad died in 2016, I often wonder do we actually realise how hard they gave me the BEST LIFE.

Time has flown by, they gave me everything , yes foreign holidays at the age 11 flying on a one eleven with Dan air to sunny Spain , and a couple of years later all the way to America on my OWN, on a Boeing 707 for all you plane enthusiasts,

Pan Am airways, even Portugalabd nearly giving my dad a heart attack when i flew over to Spain with the kids a week later to the same hotel!!!

and yes you've guessed it, numerous foreign holidays for my children, I feel blessed to have such wonderful parents, not just for the holidays but for EVERYTHING they achieved in life, also living giving my children the same opportunity's, unfortunately I can't match my parents love, dedication,and all the material things that children require, yes I ended up as an alcoholic, time to reflect on part of my missing years as an invisible

"Parent" totally went missing from my whole family for several years, left my parents unknown if I was dead or alive, no contact, NOTHING, honestly the chapters aren't even here, yes I could write even more, the dark days of drunken stupors.

Maybe I could write a book,not for self gratification, but trying to deal with a past is like having a ball and chain around my leg, I've never gotten over witnessing the suicide of my friend, or trying resuscitate a child who climbed into a dustbin full of water,and (I knew she was dead already)and hearing the mother begging to save her poor baby girl, the screaming from the mother is a scream I don't want too hear ever again,trying to pinpoint my own life is and has been complex, and I'll finish here for now, as I feel I could go on forever, and obviously I've used WORDS that I feel have impacted me, perhaps I'm being selfish here, I don't know, as for how the rest of my life continues I'll be always shackled by this ball and chain, I'm sorry if this was a very long post, and i truly hope that anyone else who has had major trauma in their life has better days, and I'm rambling on, and i don't even know why trying to explain things which makes life any better, or trying to work out my WHOLE LIFE, it's been a mystery, a horror show, a whirlwind of every possible emotion that the human body and brain that couldn't function on many occasions,

Yes I don't know where my final

destination finishes, the journey still continues, and the pages on life have been turned over by my family, and I can't express my emotions properly to people I don't know, but if you've read as far as this you know I'll try my very best for each and everyone who needs to chat or talk about how they have struggled,I feel a different person to most people I meet,but you won't be a stranger's by the time you've read my comments,I'll still plod on with "life " and give back to individuals who have struggled and feel they can relate to similar situations, right ho, a bit of toast and cuppa, take care you good people and I'll sign of for now, and as always I'll try and reply if anyone has managed to read this almighty posts, speak soon and thanks for all your support 💙 ❤️ 😇

[Ellamaye]

It was a long post. Do you feel better though for getting some of that off your chest? Obviously you were rambling on with your thoughts but still conveyed what must have been very significant and upsetting events that you have been through. One point stood out to me personally from your post was your consciencesnes about your replies to other people's posts on the forum this is something I also think about and hope my words are received in the way they were intended . You definitely come across as a kind and caring soul x keep Sharing and if you want to elaborate on the scenarios you briefly described then you have support here x

[Cb1963 in reply to Ellamaye]

Trying to understand myself has been somewhat of a challenge, however I must suffer with bouts of depression, I think my post was a cumulative set of events, certain things can upset me and having a difficult day yesterday filling out some forms brought all the subjects I had counselling for must have started the chain of events, and trying to explain things must have triggered my inner thoughts , and this had bought my post and thoughts into full view, I don't know if I will feel any better as this is a deep rooted memory that will stay with me forever, I'm truly grateful for your kind reply, and I'll probably not discuss this subject as I don't feel any differently from one day to another, and then I had my own journey regarding the fall out from alcohol, and that's a whole new section that would probably longer than my original post!!! Once again thanks again for your comments 😇

[Ellamaye in reply to Cb1963]

Well you feel free to post and share as much or as little as you like with regards to the events. The form you filledin broughtit back to you and that was obviously difficult relivingpast times is nevereasy so i sympathise with your pain x . . Ive posted some bad memories on here before probably with details I havnt said out loud in my life and now they are posted it's there in black and white and I have re read them and that has helped me as my child hood is a jumble in my mind most of the time. I know that won't help everyone but just putting it out there x hope you have had a good day today x

[Ellamaye in reply to Cb1963]

Apologies for my connecting words lol my space isn't responding well 😅

[Cb1963 in reply to Ellamaye]

Once again the kindness and understanding of my circumstances is very heart warming ♥️ yes I've had a very complex life, I've even ended up in a hostel that was strictly designed for people who had major drink problems, each person had drinks on tap, sounds ideal for those who wanted drink 24/7 and I was one of those people who would drink until oblivion caused numerous drunken antics , it was obviously an all male accommodation, and we could drink all day, sounds bliss for heavy drinkers, but on my first day of arrival I was rattling and had no money to buy drinks, and wasn't friendly enough with the new residents to scrounge some drink, I couldn't even drink my tea it was given to me in a babies sealed container the ones toddler's are giving at a your age, the reason I couldn't hold a cup as it was shaking I my hands so bad, I ended up speaking to the management and she got me an emergency prescription for libruem, as I had been on a week long bender drinking neat vodka and I couldn't even drink water, let alone a tumbler of tea!!!My throat was red raw, and I was having delirium tremors, potentially fatal unless you can get medication or get a " curer" another drink! Boy I've danced with the devil on numerous occasions ,yes I've gambled with my body, now is the time to realise the people I've hurt, nothing terrible, but letting them know i wasn't a bad person, I got caught up in a never ending cycle of drinking, how I'm here today is a flipping miracle;yes I'll keep on posting and hopefully anyone who reads my messages is a victory, and sends out a statement we all can make mistakes, after all we're just human , thanks again chat soon 😇

[Midori in reply to Cb1963]

Well done! I could follow your story well, It's how I think my husband might have ended up, but he ended it himself. (Diabetic and Alcoholic, dead at 37 years old.)

He lost his high powered IT job and suicided, 33 years ago. I brought up our two children solo, and have never gotten into another relationship. I'm disabled now, partly by him and partly by Fibromyalgia and PTSD

Cheers, Midori

[Cb1963 in reply to Midori]

I'm so sorry for your loss, life can be cruel sometimes, I'll reply in depth at a later date as I'm away trying to relax , but rest assured I'll try and bare thus sensitive subject with the greatest of respect 🙏

[Dolphin14]

Cb

This is a great post. You've really reflected on things which I think is so important especially as we age.

I try to always acknowledge a persons issues when I reply. I think that stems from childhood.... never being heard.... shushed the minute I spoke

I heard the cry of a mother who lost her child. I can still hear the very primitive sound. It will forever be with me.

You are a wonderful asset to the community. Writing this post from your heart and also sharing some great humor

Life is full of good and bad, you have experienced both.

Wishing you peace

🐬

[Cb1963 in reply to Dolphin14]

Well I must thank you for your comments and support, I probably had a difficult day yesterday that uprooted my thoughts hence the long post, and just looking back in life in general had lit the touch paper , I feel my life has been consumed with the "lost years " and of course the incidents that have eaten my nervous energy up, my memory is still "storing " a set of events and this will never go away, it's a pity I can't delete this feeling or thoughts I have, we aren't computers where we a delete files and history, yes I had dark days when drinking, but 12 years of sobriety has helped and obviously when drinking there wasn't a day when I was feeling sorry for myself, even trying to get some decent night's sleep even now has it's problems, it's like my brain never shut down, I mull over different events, and even trying to to get to sleep is a mission in itself, the legacy of heavy drinking has caused painful neuropathy, and this doesn't help me getting a decent night's sleep, well I have other things from my drinking days that give me flash backs and obviously that's another problem itself, thanks again for your thoughtful points of view and your empathy shows your heart is in the right place, have a great day 😅

[Dolphin14 in reply to Cb1963]

Congratulations on your 12 years of sobriety, that's fantastic

We all have those downer days that just get worse when we can't get out of our head.

I can't imagine any of us here don't have regrets. There have to be some.

I have PTSD and I don't have much memoirs of being in my 40's. My anxious mind drove the bus, I missed so much 😢

I hope you enjoy your vacation. Fingers crossed being away will help you sleep

[Cb1963 in reply to Dolphin14]

Thanks again for your kind words and you have ptsd is a shared problem, I understand the feelings and emotions, take care and hope you stay healthy and safe, thanks again 😊

[Cookie2217]

Hi CB. My name is Tara. Thank you for your post I've read it all and can identify with you in certain ways. I suffer from childhood trauma which I feel I'll never heal from no matter how hard I try. The ball and chain you speak of. I've also indulged in drinking to mask the pain of it all to the point of blackouts. There are many lost years for me too as I've suffered with major depressive disorder PTSD and adjustment disorder. I've been in my last bout of depression for the past three years and it's been the hardest of my life. I've lost so much to the depression including my job and my place to live and now I'm living in my sister's basement. The only way for me is up as this last year has brought me to my knees. Thank you for sharing so much in your post that was very brave of you to do so and being so transparent will help you I feel. I wish you peace of mind as you go on in your life's journey. I'd love to hear from you CB whenever you get the chance to write back.

[Cb1963 in reply to Cookie2217]

Awe, that's so kind of you to read my post, and I hope I didn't intentionally come on here to make people more depressed, yes I feel guilty and annoyed I couldn't save the individuals who sadly died, I feel numerous emotions and I have to avoid certain things in everyday life, as I still hear different deaths that have similar situations, I have to avoid certain films displaying the hanging of people or buying newspapers, as this is how I found my friend, the whole situation was crazy, and I'll NEVER understand why he did this terrible act, obviously i try to use words that doesn't offend anyone is difficult, but I don't know how else to explain this, yes it's many years ago 35 years, but it's still a memory that's still in my head, I wish I was like a computer and delete this "chip" that's causing a information overload, I can relate to your issues, or predicaments, and obviously I'm available for any further conversations, I'm sorry that you have been caught up in an environment which wasn't safe and secure, and if I've failed In using the correct wording please forgive me, i always try my best to cover anything that's relevant , suicide is a taboo subject, I'm a "survivor" " of guilt and anxiety and constantly thinking WHY ,and my " crossword " in life is left with unanswered questions , the blank spaces will never be solved, well I'm always ready to chat and if you feel anymore that you want to try and discuss I'll try and give you any further advice, you take care, Chris 😇

[Cookie2217]

Hi Chris. Thank you so much for answering back so quickly and your so welcome as I found your post to be so open and honest which was of comfort to me. I must be completely honest and tell you that I am a survivor of three suicide attempts as well I tried between the ages of 18 and 21 I'm 54 now. The last attempt was the worst as I was 15 minutes away from death and it could have gone either way and I believe that only God himself saved me and it was for a purpose which was helping others that suffer because helping other people is what makes me happy. I suffer with self-loathing and low self-esteem from my childhood trauma and those are some of the reasons for making attempts in my past. I would never try again which is very comforting of me to know because that would be disrespecting the God that saved me. Praying helps me a lot and journaling does to as I was able to write letters to my parents and forgive them for hurting me in my life. My mom was and alcoholic and I was her Target as she verbally emotionally and psychologically abused me when I was a teenager. My father physically abused me when I was a child and when I was older I was physically abused by an ex fiance. I was also sexually assaulted too. So you could say I was abused every way possible which gave me my self-esteem and self-worth issues and led me to self-loathing. I've gone to therapy twice in recent years CBT therapy in 2020 during the pandemic and again in 2023 psychotherapy for a few months which helped along with journaling. I just wanted you to know a little bit more about me and my past as to understand more. I'm sorry that you can't look at newspapers or see certain movies with hangings in it as it brings those memories flooding back to you probably. I had a friend when I was in my 20s commit suicide by hanging himself too and it was very upsetting but I can only imagine finding that person and what it would do to my psyche. No wonder you have not been able to delete that memory from me or brain how could you? It's something that wants you to this very day and I hope that there comes a time where you're able to put that memory to rest but you may never be able to do that I'm not sure. I'm sure you drank too cover the pain from all that which is understandable a lot of people do the same. I know that when I drink too much to the point of blackout I would cry and then get upset when I was an emotional wreck so I'm told. I don't drink much anymore and stay away from things that would cause me to black out completely. I enjoy a Twisted Tea every now and again but that's about it and that would equate to a wine cooler so to speak. My husband has been very patient with me through the years because I would get verbally hostile towards him and my days of heavy drinking. Hope we can talk again really soon. Take care of yourself CB

[Cb1963 in reply to Cookie2217]

Sorry for not getting back to you I'm away, I'll have more time to write back to you and hopefully we can gain a better understanding of how both our lives have been affected, as I feel you deserve a proper answer, it gives me time to think and like you I'm happy we've connected, so please be patient abd I'll get back to you soon, thanks Chris 😊

[Cookie2217 in reply to Cb1963]

OK no problem take your time. I'm patient

[Cb1963 in reply to Cookie2217]

I'll be in touch soon 😇

[Cookie2217 in reply to Cb1963]

OK whenever you can is fine.

[CLB1125]

I thank you for sharing your story with us. We all carry baggage from our past. Lots of it stays hidden and slowly eats away at our mind. I think sometimes sharing our past helps let go of some of the baggage. Share as much as you care to. I will always read it.