"Trigger Warning" Depression Overload!!!

Hey everyone! I can't figure out how to phrase this but I'll give it a try. I have been reading a lot of the comments and they are all really full of insightful, helpful, and great inspiration. I believe every word but it's as if when I read it some part of my very existence in this world is pulled outside of my body and flung into the deep ocean never to be found again. I wish I could find solace in something! a friend, helpful and meaningful comments, or even just something in life for me to hold on to. But I can't find that, I know who I am very well. Actually I almost understand myself a little too well. I can't find help outside of my head until I feel that I can have a sliver of love for myself and I don't have enough and it makes me so unfeeling. I can listen and know everything but I can't find the love for myself to hear it.

Anyway, thanks for listening. Later.

[Hidden]

Not very.

[SamuelBlake17]

I can’t say that I love myself but my friend told me of a free app called think up. I haven’t listened to it in awhile. You are able to record yourself, I guess you don’t need the app for that but you record yourself saying things like, I love myself, respect myself and accept myself exactly as I am. I recognize the many good qualities I have. Etc. it may help to hear these things in your own voice. 🙏

[maaslider]

Hi ShowHorse! Well I think you figured out how and what you wanted to say in a very clear and exceptional way! You almost sound like me, I feel every single sentence that you wrote. I too read things that I find insightful,inspiring and believe whomever wrote them felt and believed them and helped them. I believe I know myself extremely well, also maybe too damn well and can’t feel any emotion toward myself that’s positive, and loving myself...not sure I’m capable of getting there. Negatives abound but positives about me, it’s as if I have no emotions when it comes to me, Love is hard to imagine,even finding some path toward that is impossible, non- existent. But there must be a way- to have that much insight has to set you up for that friend, something or someone who can appreciate someone who knows themselves is rare I think and better than someone who doesn’t and goes with the majority of the friends they are with. I know I appreciate that insight and directness that comes from truly knowing yourself.

Can I ask about your name -ShowHorse? I’m into horses, haven’t shown in awhile but love talking horses. I have 2 QHs, one is the handsomest boy I ever layed eyes on and he’s such an incredible guy. Had him since he was a yearling, was a great pro/am Reiner and did great, he loves doing anything with me,trails,little shows in the area..picking up trash along the road with me, he’s like a Big puppy sometimes- very level headed and careful around me. I’d love to hear about what type of horses you have and what you’ve done and about them if it’s not too personal. I understand if not. Maybe we have more in common to talk about and who knows what/ how that might help or lead to something positive...I’m always game for trying to connect with someone. Thanks for reading this at least, I’m not much help but you’re definitely not alone in this difficult search, and hearing it from you made me feel less alone. Well, that’s all for now- yeah 0430 and no sleep happening again....Gnight to those who sleep,hopefully you are able to sleep at least! M

[Hidden in reply to maaslider]

Hey Maaslider! I currently only have 1 horse he’s a selle français or he was born in France. He’s 9 and we are good friends. I’m sorry to say since this is my last year before college I have a lot to do. I’m going for a month to participate in a summer Immersion program for junior and seniors in high school. So taking care of him, training a service dog, and my English tutor is all a bit too much.

[maaslider]

Wow, you have a lot going on, lots of responsibilities! I think you’re great for having a horse- they give the best feelings and such fun when you really bond with them. I have 2 QHs, one was a Reiner and can do about anything, well in western riding, no jumping for me! And training a service dog, that’s truly commendable and brave, I’m not sure how I’d feel once his person was found, I’m sure I’d feel proud as you should! I don’t have it in me tho. Where are you going for your immersion program? Must be exciting! I’d love to know! I hope you’re feeling better, it’s hard, I know when you don’t feel what you think you should, I struggle with that and the answer...but I’m trying to live again after checking out for over 8 yrs, so hopefully I can! Hope to hear back from you, sorry it took me so long, I’ll try not to next time!! M 🙃🐴

[maaslider]

ShowHorse1999, Please come back and not hide your identity! My sincerest apology for not replying sooner. My sister might have a return of breast cancer and had a biopsy and now we are waiting...I was preoccupied but won’t let that happen again! I’m very sad and falling back toward my black hole- seems tho I’m annRN I can’t seem to help anyone... Please talk to me again, we’ll thats selfish, I guess as long as you’re talking to everyone else that’s good but I really enjoyed your posts and truly admire you with all you’re doing! Take care,be well, hope to hear from you one day soon again..M 🙁

[maaslider]

Hidden, I really wish you’d come back. It’s worrisome. Hope you’re doing ok!? Be nice to hear from you! M