I think I'm already broken, and unable to achieve anything

[Jimeow]

It's been more than half a year since I graduated from college. I was in the wrong major. I thought I would learn what I sought there, but it seems, the job I'm aiming to do have so much higher baseline skills, than expected. I spent my 4 years in college working hard to get good grades, and just by now I realized how most of them are not used in the job I'm aiming for.

Seeing my peers succeed more, because of neccessary sacrifices made me feel left behind. They are determined to sacrifice their social life, to hone their skills endlessly. While I'm having a major burnout because of the college, and family problems.

Art, the thing that I loved since childhood, and my best friend during dark times, have not been my first choice again during dark times now. I instead harmed myself and escaped myself using various ways from physically hurting myself to numbing my mind consuming youtubes and play with myself to point of injuring myself.

Time are flowing so much faster now, whenever i cannot sleep, before I know it, it's already 4 AM. Working on something felt slower yet consumes time so much faster now.

I think I have lost my motivation in life.

Not long ago, my goal is to live alone, sustain myself, and reach peaceful livelihood. Away from parents.

But they told me that I should focus on my dreams, achieve something big. Not to set my eyes on money only. So I did.

But I don't know why, working on this project of mine, never felt so depressing. when I first created this project for my final project in college, I was burning with passion to complete it no matter what. Now, I feel like all of it is meaningless. The sense of doom that AI will take over arts, and realization that I can't never pull away from my parents, left me more despair.

I can't go anywhere when I like. I can't reach for professional help. I have no independency in financial nor transportation. Anything I do is to not make my parents angry. I never felt so trapped before.

My mother told me to not blame situations, instead take it into my own hands and save myself. I have done that many times. It was never a sustainable solutions, my willpower and energy all depleted just for me to go on autopilot helping my mother cook and ensuring that they are not angry or fighting.

Maybe I'm just victimizing myself, and making excuses for being lazy. But I don't know how to work with burning passion like I used before. It feels so damn bleak now. Before, even though I went through so many shit, the pain still feels real. Now it's just numb.

I wonder if this is being lazy or depressed? I feel like hating myself if I were just lazy but says that "I'm depressed".

additional note:

I just re read my previous post when I was struggling with the said final project, re-reading the replies are filling me with a little speck of hope again, though briefly.

[gajh]

I am sorry to hear you say that you can't reach for professional help. Do you have anyone you can talk to? I am glad you are here reaching out.

[Jimeow in reply to gajh]

I am very sorry I did not read this reply much more earlier, I thought no one replied to this post since I did not get the notification.

Thank you so much for the concern. Currently I do not have people who I can trust 100% with these information and problems, since I'm often overwhelmed by unbearable sense of guilt everytime I speak about my struggle to people around me. Mostly because of unresponsiveness or because most people in my life are also confused on how to approach this matter and how to help me.

Thus, one of the few things I can do to alleviate the pain is to make private journals and try to confide in here.

But once again, thank you for replying and expressing your concern, it means a lot to me ❤️

[Jimeow in reply to Jimeow]

Also to add, I'm currently trying to use free session of discussion with an organization in my country that can be a place to confide even though it's not a sustainable solution and only bring brief comfort. Since, as I said, I couldn't bring myself to tell this to my closest people.