Truth and Lies

[Beekept]

Does anybody else struggle with when to tell the truth and when to lie? I'm constantly anxious about it, because socially I know being a liar is bad but at the same time it isn't appropriate to tell the truth all the time because it might violate our or others boundaries. I frequently struggle with guilt from lying by omission and worry that people will think of me as a fraud or on the flip side that I'll be an unlikable weirdo for saying too much.

Edit to add: I'm not looking for advice so much as community - I'm working on this with my therapist.

[2L84x]

I think I lie too much, but perhaps not for the same reasons as you. Sometimes I do it to sound 'better' than I am (more experienced, more knowledgeable). Sometimes I do it to sound like I understand what someone else has experienced ("that happened to me too"), which is more difficult for me to understand. I think in general that I don't want others to know what I'm really like.

[Beekept in reply to 2L84x]

Honestly that's relatable. I used to do that more often in spaces where I was worried I wasn't good enough to be there. Doing it made me uncomfortable though, so I started gravitating towards places that didn't trigger my imposter syndrome. In the past couple years though I've decided to attack the imposter syndrome head on instead of avoiding its symptoms.

[2L84x in reply to Beekept]

That feels right to me, it's definitely caused by something like imposter syndrome. Wishing you all the best in your head-on attack (I'm seeing you as the Black Knight in Ivanhoe, with a suit of armor and a lance, accompanied by fanfares and colorful banners!), it's good to hear that you feel ready for it.

[Beekept in reply to 2L84x]

Thank you so much! I'm honored to be portrayed as a hero. That gamifies it in a way that feels more fun

[2L84x in reply to Beekept]

Glad to hear it!

Drawing of a knight on horseback, holding a lance

[Dolphin14]

Hi

It's a great subject you bring up.

You don't want advice and i think my thoughts might come across that way. I will respect your post.

I wish you luck working through this. I'm hopeful you and your therapist will put together a plan that will help you

🐬

[Beekept in reply to Dolphin14]

Thank you so much! I appreciate your reply. If you have personal experience with this struggle I'd be interested to hear about your strategy!

[gerrerd]

The best policy is to tell the true, Even if people dont like it.

[Artemisraluca]

i try to tell the truth, unless it is very dangerous not to or it is towards people i don’t care about much.

[DepressedEdge]

I think sometimes I lie to make myself look good to people, for instance I wouldn't want somebody to think I have a mental illness so I would say to them if they ask me how I am, "oh I've been a little down but I'm doing better now" which is a complete lie.

[Beekept in reply to DepressedEdge]

I hope you also have people in your life you can tell about your struggle! I think it can be really hard to manage which relationships it's appropriate to share the gritty reality of life vs being more impersonal.

[DepressedEdge in reply to Beekept]

It is important but sadly I've suffered from social anxiety my entire life so it was hard for me to have friends growing up, now I'm 24 years old and I don't really have any friends. I have a friend who I sometimes can text or call but I feel if I complain too much about my depression, it will start to affect my friend, I want them to enjoy their life rather than hear me complain about my internal struggles.

[CalmSeeker1 in reply to DepressedEdge]

Hi DepressedEdge - I have the same struggle. I don't hang on to friends well because of my bipolar 2. I isolate or become really impulsive and I don't share my diagnosis with anyone. Most of my family have no idea what is going on with me either. I avoid social situations like the plague. Even family gatherings are incredibly hard at times and trigger extreme anxiety. I have one friend that I'm in contact with irregularly. We met in and IOP program and therefore know about each other's mental health struggles so we openly share. We are very tolerant of the long absences as well. Even with her I feel bad about talking too much about my misery/struggles. I think it is natural. During this current episode, I'm focusing on being transparent with trusted family members and talking with them more frequently. They have have been huge supports and I'm finding it easier to open up. The surprising thing is they each keep encouraging me to continue calling and talking as much as I need to. Makes me wonder if I invested in friendships if some of them would be just as supportive...

[DepressedEdge in reply to CalmSeeker1]

Thanks for replying! The thing is when you have a mental disorder that is based on constant worry and overthinking, you always make assumptions without the use of facts and truth. For example, imagine someone giving you a purple box, and asks you to open it, so you take it but you keep holding it without ever opening it, and as you are carrying it , you start to overthink, "maybe there's something wrong in the box", "wait what if there's a bomb inside this box", "what if my friend is trying to trick me". And you keep overthinking every small detail, but guess what?! You've never opened the box to find out, you just kept making assumptions that will never lead you to the truth. I guess what I'm trying to say is, sometimes you think someone is not going to be of great support because of your assumptions about them, but people will surprise you. As I'm reading now in a book, if you spill water over milk, it all looks the same.

[Beekept in reply to CalmSeeker1]

I relate to your experience a lot. I've been on disability for the most severe episode of GAD triggered by PTSD I've ever had in my entire life. I haven't told many people anything because the stress of not just judgement but well-meaning support that feels suffocating is something I didn't have bandwidth for. What you said about wondering if you invested in friendships is what I'm learning from my experiences too. The more I'm being authentically myself and investing time with others, the more I'm being met with love and support. It's a really hard thing to put myself out there but it's helping me unlearn what shitty kids taught me in school haha. My therapist reminded me this week that kids aren't equipped with the social skills to regulate bad behavior, and sometimes we have to let adults show us they're more skilled than kids. And if adults aren't more skilled at being kind than kids, you can just leave the interaction.

[MaggieSylvie in reply to DepressedEdge]

That's a really good reply. So is "I've been better" when you are really not feeling good.

[DepressedEdge in reply to MaggieSylvie]

Yes exactly! There's this societal pressure to always be "good" or appear "fine" which has led a lot of people to hide their struggles just so others don't judge them.

[MaggieSylvie in reply to DepressedEdge]

Most people don't even give you a chance to reply. It's like "Okay?" now instead of "hia!/how are ya?". It's meaningless. You can tell when people really want to know. They give you time to speak.

[Teaching]

I understand you perfectly well.

[MaggieSylvie]

When someone asks you a question, nobody would think it strange if you took a bit longer to answer than you normally would. It would be enough time to consider what you would like to safely say.

[Hidden]

I am a huge truth teller, especially in my family. My family has too many secrets, starting with my own mother and father. My mom had two kids divorced my very abusive father, gets back with him, and became pregnant with me. She didn't tell anyone - she purposely hid her pregnancy with me. I find this out when I was in my 30s. My father lied about his criminal past, besides how gross he is. My mom almost died and didn't tell me until afterwards. My sister lies. Just lies lies and more lies. I said f this noise. Secrets kill us - so I am going to he the truth teller when appropriate and for healthy reasons. I have nieces and nephews - they are lied to - I can't say much, but I try to protect them. They are about to catch my sister in a huge lie, which I hope is not true. Are there white lies - yes, I have done that to protect the kids. Beyond that I don't care I will tell the truth. Sometimes it gets in hot me in water.🤿💦 🐽

[MaggieSylvie in reply to Hidden]

I'm a huge truth teller as well, and to avoid me getting in hot water, (like when he thinks he knows about something but he really doesn't) I have started to just go quiet and say nothing. Perhaps the truth will become clear during that silence.

[Hidden in reply to MaggieSylvie]

I have learned to be quiet now for two main reasons: A) My words often go unheard, and B) People are resistant to change. When I do speak, it's not to provoke conflict but rather to convey honesty, which I reserve for private conversations. I speak up when someone discusses me inaccurately and I confront blatant dishonesty to assert my values—I have a strong aversion to dishonesty due to my own past experiences. Unfortunately, the challenges do not help my depression and PTSD. However, I do believe in the power of truth to instigate positive change, particularly when it serves the greater good or aids individuals or communities in need. In the end, quiet is not my strong suit.

[MaggieSylvie in reply to Hidden]

That's ok if the b.s-er will let you get a word in.

[Hidden]

I almost always tell the truth, but I recognize that there are certain circumstances in which that could be dangerous to myself or others, or where it might be very painful for another person. However, these exceptions are rare, and I find that being honest with people is generally the best way to deal with them. if they find out later that you have not been honest, that creates an even bigger problem.

I would also add that it’s not so much what you say, but how you say it.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I agree with that. I am still working on the art of how to say things.