can’t get past the guilt

[Blackout4]

some days are better than others, i cant get past the guilt of my words. my father passed when i was 16. He moved out (while i was at school) and left me with my grandparents( who hated me) when I was 15. He called that day and i told him i hated him and wished he was dead! he was killed a week later in an accident. My grandmother told me at the funeral she wished it had been me instead, me too! they had always told me from a little kid i was a looser and always would be, got worse after my dad died. maybe they were right to feel like that, I still think its my fault. I feel like my mind wont change

[litethatnevergoesout]

those are poisoned minds telling you that. Poison. your dads death wasn’t your fault. you should be seeing a trauma specialist they have those. you don’t have to go through this at all. hopefully someone has a direction to point you in.

[Blackout4 in reply to litethatnevergoesout]

thank you, i just cant seem to let it go, along with so many other things. At 48, i still think about them

[litethatnevergoesout in reply to Blackout4]

Of course. only a select few have on/off switches and they’re not the sensitive type. it takes a lot of time and healing and support. It is full time. but it’s there.

[Marysblue]

Not your fault at all, how were you to know he was going to die. You need to forgive yourself. Go to a priest if you have to, whatever it takes. You are not to blame, you were just a kid and you were angry and rightfully so.

[hypercat54 in reply to Marysblue]

Oh one last thing. The main thing is to learn your lessons so no experience is ever wasted.

Remember this rhyme

Keep all your words soft and sweet

As you never know which ones you might have to eat.

Its stood me in very good stead ever since I recognised the truth in that,

[hypercat54]

My what a huge burden you have been carrying all these years. Its time you dropped it as its stopping you moving forward and keeping you trapped in the past.

I understand exactly why you felt like this as anyone would but I think you are paying it too much attention. I know that your father knew you loved him and an angry outburst at him doesn't change that at all.

The trouble with holding onto old shame and guilt for a long time means its also become a habit too, so its even harder to break as well.

You haven't got to resolve it and you will never get answers either. Neither do you have to forget or forgive anyone. But you do have to move on past it so it doesn't affect your life so much. You will feel much lighter in heart too.

I always recommend therapy to guide you along this path but you must be open to change and looking outwards - not inwards.

Sometimes there is no resolution or solution to issues and you have to accept that. Its far from easy I know but it is very worthwhile.

[Ellamaye]

Wow what a terrible thing to try and live with. I hope you have sought counselling and know its coincidence what you said as a teenager and also very wrong what was said to you by your grandparents. No child should ever hear words like that from a grown adult. It's literally child abuse

[Mohammad-341]

Move ahead of emotional abuse that ur grandparents inculcated in u. Also forget such a father who left u at ur grandparents home. Had he been loving and caring, like every normal kid u would have loved him.What was is job, to produce u and live his own life, forget about such father. And about the forget its mere coincidence

[Stippler]

This is not your fault. I have a very similar situation - I carry enormous guilt about a mistake I think I made as a child. I have been in therapy for 30 years, trying to get past it but it is still difficult. It helps me to remember that I was a kid, and I may have made a mistake but I was doing the best I could to deal with my life at that time. I did not have the best role models either. I want to say don't accept the emotional abuse from your family, and please try if you can to forgive yourself. But, for me, that is not easy, yet I still need to let go of the past in order to move on. You might benefit from therapy. We all make mistakes. Please don't beat yourself up anymore. I am holding you in healing light.

[lauralidia]

What a huge burden was put on you as a child.You had every right to be mad with your dad for abandoning you with abusive grandparents.But maybe is time to see the truth and allow for this guilt and pain to be lifted.I hope you don’t mind me suggesting trauma based therapy,12step meetings especially Aca(for children that grew up in dysfunctional families)It’s never too late to start living a life free of the hurts our families passed down to us.Glad you are here!

[Blackout4 in reply to lauralidia]

thank you, maybe i will look into it

[catsrock]

Oh, honey, this is so hard. What an awful load to carry for so long. I hope you can find some peace with a therapist or someone else. Forgiving ourselves is so much harder than forgiving others in my experience. Sending you lots of hugs.

[OldestSibling]

My heart breaks for you because you have suffered from something you could not have controlled for so much of your life.

I hope you can learn to live the rest of your life in the here and now and realize you can’t change the past. Wasting your life with these feelings will never change anything.

Give comfort to that child within you that still suffers. I hope so much that you can be grateful for the time you have been given here on earth and know that everyone just wants you to love yourself for the true person you are. ❤️

[Teaching]

I don't think it's your fault. You said that out of anger and moreover, you were just a child. How can they wish a child death! Please stop beating yourself up because it's not your fault.