Backslide

[Amokaka]

I thought I was doing so much better lately. I "graduated from therapy" (just an 8-week program that's free with my insurance), and at my last session with my therapist I was feeling really good. I told her that I thought it was because my anxious brain has been wrong a lot lately (it thought that my heat pump would break and my pipes would freeze in the cold, and neither of those things happened), so it's learned to shut up. But then this weekend all the bad feelings came flooding back.

My biggest source of anxiety has to do with house repairs, and my biggest source of depression is the thought that the anxiety will never stop. The biggest house repair I've been grappling with is a leak above my living room window - I've had an endless parade of people come out to look at it, to no avail so far. My wonderful neighbor (who's an architect) finally diagnosed what's (probably) really wrong with it, and he connected me with a contractor who could fix it. And I could have had them out to fix it two weeks ago, but I dilly-dallied too long and missed that slot in their schedule, so now I have to wait.

And last night it rained, and the window leaked again, and I feel awful. I knew it was going to leak - the forecast was calling for heavy rain with wind from the right direction. But my anxious brain is taking this as a chance to say, "See, I was right when I told you the window would leak, and I'm also right when I tell you that there's a leak behind every wall, and all the wood in the house is rotting and infested with insects, and all the drywall is wet and moldy, and you're a failure as a person for buying this house, and you should give up and live in a van under a bridge because that's all you deserve."

I know those things aren't true. (At least, most of them probably aren't true.) But it's so hard to convince myself not to believe them right now.

[Ellamaye]

Wow reading your thought process was like looking in a mirror. Not the house repair thing my anxiety is linked to other things but still that's how I go over it in my mind. Thankyou for sharing and making me feel less crazy x

I don't have any words of wisdom I'm afraid to say, just an understanding of your torture x

[BlueAgave]

My mind does this all the time, going down a rabit hole of complete ridiculousness. You're not alone. What I've been taught in therapy is to challenge these thoughts and come up with evidence that makes them true and then what makes them false. True, you have a leak in your window, false your whole home is leaking and infested and you don't deserve a nice place to live, unless you can prove otherwise! It sounds like you have a plan in place for a fix in your window, unfortunately it may take some time, but think about anything you could do to put a bandaid on it right now like some plastic and duct tape? I'm not a contractor, but maybe ask your neighbor if there's a temporary fix to keep it from getting worse. I'm sorry you're having a hard time with your thoughts, but you will get through, and so will your house!

[Amokaka in reply to BlueAgave]

The thing about the "gather evidence for and against your beliefs" strategy is that it's realllllly hard to gather evidence that your drywall isn't moldy, your house frame isn't rotting, and there aren't leaks behind all the walls - and when I try, it ends up looking like "obsessively poking at every inch of the walls and floor, trying to figure out if that little crack is new or if it's always been there, and if this spot feels a little spongy or if it's just my imagination." Which, as you might imagine, is the opposite of helpful for my mental health.

Bandaids don't really work on siding leaks, unfortunately. I'm going to need to wait for the real fix, which involves taking the siding off, peeling back the house wrap over the window, and putting everything back together properly. Fortunately, according to the neighbor, the short-term risk of any serious damage is fairly low. I told him to repeat that to me again a few more times so it would stick, but I guess it didn't, quite.

[BlueAgave in reply to Amokaka]

I didn't mean to make you feel like your worries are not valid, because they are. My only suggestion is to get an inspection of your home. I had to do that for my old house, and the inspector was able to tell me about the condition of the home. They have a tool that can detect water behind walls, they can see pest damage, etc... I don't know your situation, but if you could get one somehow, it would probably put your mind at ease. Just like PoseyLane suggested, therapy may do you some good in order to help you learn how to manage the anxiety that life throws at us. I do wish you well, and believe you deserve to be healthy and happy!

[PoseyLane]

I went to an 8 week program and it didn't work well for me. At one point I was feeling good too. Anxiety and depression are things that just seems to creep in. I get it. I wish I could give you positive words too. The only thing I know to say is, you may need to find a therapist. I am not sure where you are from and if you can find and afford a therapist. Also, you don't deserve all those problems. Homeowners and renters go through stuff like that. It is not you at all. Again, you don't deserve to he punish yourself. Maybe if you can get a reputable contractor out there and fix the problem do you think you may feel better?

[punkster]

My, that's a slippery slope that you went down. I used to have that kind of thinking all the time. Therapy helped. Therapy took much longer to work for me- like three years. I guess I'm a slow learner? Anyway, when I am anxious about something that might happen, I ask myself, will this issue matter in one week, one month, six months, one year? Will I remember it when I'm on my deathbed? Also, what BlueAgave said, "challenge your beliefs" is a good technique to use.