Why cant I stop being sad and miserable

[Notsosadanymore]

I have never lost a close loved one in my 32 years of life and over Christmas I saw my grandfather and he wasn't doing very well. Since that moment daily I have been reflecting on life and how fast it's all really going by. I start to look at old pictures and watch videos of my kids and all it does is bring me to tears because the time is flying by and I feel sad. I have just started constantly feeling like im trapped inside my mind and can't stop the negative thoughts. I go to sleep, work, and wake up with these horrible feelings and racing thoughts. Ive had these types of crying depression episodes on and off again over the course of the last few years but nothing ever this extreme.

I feel as if I have become pathetic just because of the point I am at right now. I have been diganosed with BPD, Cluster B traits, Anxitey, MDD, Panic attacks, ADHD just to name a few, so I know life isn't going to be all unicorns and rainbows but I shouldn't be balling my eyes out from pictures or videos of my kids. I also don't find joy in doing anything anymore, I use THC daily and a lot of it and it doesn't help.

I just want to stop wasting my life and being so sad. I force myself to put on a smile and be involved with my kids and family but the saddness and racing thoughts of pending death are starting to really take it's tool on me. I have a blessed life, healthy loving kids and family. Im tired of kids looking at me crying trying to just play with them it's not okay for them to be seeing me this way. Anyway if you can offer any advice or help it would be amazing. It honestly felt almost nice to put these feelings to words. Except now the water works come, stay blessed and have an amazing day everyone.

[BlueAgave]

I wish I had words of wisdom to offer you. All I can say is that it is pretty normal to feel sad when a loved one is ill and you know the end may be coming. Sounds like you're grieving, which is okay. Maybe you can take the opportunity to tell your children about your grandfather and that is why you're so tearful. You will get through this. As for the THC, I don't know much about it, but maybe it's not what you need. Maybe talk to a doctor about something else that could be more helpful. Just my opinion. Feel better!

[LoveforAll41]

Hola Notsosadanymore. I agree with BlueAgave, if it is your first time going through a loss or getting ready to go through a loss of course it is going to be emotional and hard. It shows that you value and cherish life, which is great. I often find myself sad thinking about my kids and mourning the past. I try to remind myself that there are good times ahead too.

To feel like that I have to do a lot of work on my mental health though. I really really like the book "Feeling Great" by David Burns. He talks about changing the way we think to change the way we feel. I think most of us here can see some of our thoughts in the thinking errors that he points out.

I would also vote for a change if THC isn't cutting it, hopefully a good psychiatrist and therapist. I love therapy, and maybe you have been well enough that you have never felt the need to go? I wish you peace, hope, and strength ☮️

[catsrock]

I don't have much to add, but wanted you to know I totally get this and struggle with it too.