Gender dysphoria, army and mental breakdowns since waking up. TW

[Against_the_current]

I woke up to my dad texting me. I thought it was cute and he was concerned about me but no. I got mail. My id says i live at his house so i receive mails at his. It gets eerie. As you know I'm an east European and there's a war here. I got a letter from the military... Tbh i always wanted to go. I wanted prestige. I wanted to d1e....but now i see there are more humane ways to d1e...I see the pain veterans go through. These people are heroes. I am not. And i can't be. Not because of my gender. Because I'm a fking mess. I don't have a healthy organ in my body. I'm mental. Let's face it im mental. I was terrified. I still am. With my twisted leg I'm absolutely useless. I don't want to drag the whole Alliance down. I'm of no use. I'm absolutely useless. It would be a parody like Rambo with Charlie Sheen. I'm disabled. Let's face the truth I'm disabled. Both physically and mentally. But they say my leg will heal and C-PTSD, anxiety, depression and borderline aren't diagnoses Bulgaria claims as disabled. Even though im mental. (Scars that I'm hiding by From Ashes to new playing in my head and i can't concentrate). I can't even write coherent. I tried to take advantage of mom being briefly at work and also not wake sis by doing something that usually calms me - watching reels. But a reel about contraception triggered me. Idk how it even popped out. It's a part of a show and educational and all but i felt so triggered. Why women should take all the pain?! Why women should give birth?! We're now equal - i have a master's degree, i might fight in Russia, i need to get a job (and be paid less than a man) and still i need to make my depression worse with pills or postpartum depression. For God's sake even when i twisted my knee the male nurse told me "how are you gonna give birth". Well, sorry Greg, my leg is backwards but i should be laughing i guess. My leg, leg everyone has legs not limited to gender, is upside down but i should definitely be chill. I was in insane pain but they refused to x-ray me until I sign documents that im not pregnant and sign when i got my last menstruation. All of this while in insane pain from my knee. And I'm not even in America, Russia or Poland where abortion is banned. Or Afghanistan, Iran or the muslim countries where women worth less than camels. Idgaf if it's racist, wake up, it's the truth and we're already in a war...in multiple. Since 2020 life gets worse and worse. Also boys bullied me at school because "they like me". Also mom said giving birth to me was the worst thing in her life. She said she's a slave. Taking care of me and working and being left by the man that caused her this pain. Twice. I'm going mental. I want to give up on this gender. Don't call me female. I'm too weak for that. I'm they/them. Non-binary . My family doesn't know and probably won't be able to understand. Especially the age, language, culture. Can't tell my bf, i guess i will have to have my leg broken forever to not see him. My friends ignore me. Only a bi African online friend accepted me as non-binary. I will go to the hospital for cough and they will say "how will you give birth". I'm not joking, that's the saddest part. I saw my classmate go mental over a guy. I saw MY MOM go alcholic and mental. I don't want to do the same. I don't want to lose it, use contraception, get pregnant, lose him, get mental. How do ppl do it?

[LoveforAll41]

I am so sorry Against... I think pregnancy should be totally up to you if you will be the one carrying the baby. Hopefully your boyfriend can see it that way. I hope you can find some peace. I don't think you need to go to the front lines, but maybe there is some way you could help if that would help you feel better? Every little bit counts. I am so sorry you have all of these emotions going on inside you, that is a lot to deal with. I hope that you can give yourself some compassion and space to feel and think things out. I wish you hope, peace, and strength.

[Against_the_current in reply to LoveforAll41]

Thank you 😭❤️. I don't want him to leave me because i don't want to risk my health...in both contraception and birth. There are real women out there who are willing to

[SoporRose]

I hope you can find a way to get some of this sorted out. But perhaps a stint in the military might be helpful for you? With your psych degree, you could serve in the medical system. It would get you away from your family, provide you with structure, health care, a solid work history that will only benefit you, a place to live, a salary, allow you to meet other people, give you a chance to use that fantastic brain of yours, and again — get you away from your family. Please don't yell at me or accuse me of trying to trigger you for suggesting that you consider the opportunity. I think by now you know that I care about you, take your issues seriously, and want you to be content. The army might be the escape hatch you need. It might give you the chance to heal and find out how strong and capable you are.

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

Turned out the university hasn't paid my health insurance. Probably they think im not a student at all. Damn Bulgarian secretaries

[SoporRose in reply to Against_the_current]

Bureaucracy can kill one’s soul.