I just realised when i heal, i will have to take care of myself, do household, visit bf, while im still weak

[Against_the_current]

Morning anxiety and i just realised mom wants to take me to the orthopedist and im scared he will say I'm better and she will be even harder on me and then i will have to go to my accommodation where i haven't taken out the rubbish since i fell and im afraid of falling again especially in a different city, then have no excuse to not visit bf and i don't want to go. He and everyone is like "but don't you hate it with your mom". I do but i don't have better options and telling "you're not a better option" is not a good idea. Also everyone ignores it's not my leg only, I'm also sick with cough and mental illness. Morning panic attacks. Yk after a long time of not taking care of yourself, it's hard to get back. Also i need to go slower and rehabilitate. I'm thinking was i so ungrateful and did i miss out enjoying staying at bed. I tried but my soul was in convulsion. Why am i so mentally sick? Or am i just terrible? I tried to make the most of it but i can't concentrate. Morning anxiety and racing thoughts. Will i get better? I take my medication and wonder what therapy. But nobody will excuse me for my mental health like my physical injury

[blackcat64013]

I am here for you, across the miles in Australia tonight. Sending you a very big warm hug 🫂 When family and friends don't want to understand your lived experience of mental illness or can't because of social stigma attached to mental health, life can be very challenging and stressful for us.

As much as I want to recommend some local resources, I am genuinely stuck because I can't read Bulgarian and am not aware of the health system in your country.

If you can Google search "Beyondblue" you will come to an Australian website dedicated to helping people with mental illness with online resources and an online chat with professional support.

Black cat in Oz 🐈‍⬛

[Against_the_current in reply to blackcat64013]

Thank you. I wish i was Australian

[CLB1125]

when I read your posts I think of you as a daughter. You are 23 years old. It’s time to stop thinking of your mom taking of you anymore. You are an adult now and as scary as that is, you have to start learning how to take care of yourself. Like a baby bird your mom is trying to push you out of the nest and learn to fly on your own. I’m sure she loves you very much but she wants you to be able to take care of yourself now. I realize that is scary for you, as one with social anxiety I understand but it’s up to you to make the first step. That one is always the hardest one. But after you manage that first step and you’ll see you’re ok the second one is easier. We all love being taken care of but after awhile we need to take care of ourselves. I truly care for you and want you to find yourself free of depending on anyone. Check out the site blackcat gave you. There may be something there to help too!

[Against_the_current in reply to CLB1125]

I appreciate seeing me as a daughter. I feel like my wings are broken (my leg is sprained). I made it alone in a different city for quite a long time but was kicked out of my accommodation in the midst of inflation. My country is really fked. And i had to live alone on a roof. I made it alone for quite a long time but it's really hard without drinkable water and place that makes me sick. I end up returning here. Where i get emotionally sick. Just i don't have a safe environment to fly. I'm poisoned and with broken wings

[SoporRose in reply to Against_the_current]

You are stronger than you feel you are. I think you do need to stop living in that accommodation. It makes you so ill every time you go back. And why spend the money for a plce that makes you sicker? Being at your mom's seems the best option for now. As you get better, you can start slowly helping your mom around the house to show her you appreciate the positive support she provides. I am not downplaying the difficulties there are between the two of you, not at all, but it's also OK for your mom to expect you to help as much as you can, just as it's OK for you to let your mom know what you aren't up for doing. Think of living with your mom as a rehearsal for being on your own. Being there will let you build up your independence skills to prepare you to be on your own or to live with a roommate. There's a lot of rehab you can do on your own because you are so, SO smart, because your psych degree will help you understand what you need, and because you really do have a strong spirit.

Also, you write so well! I like this phrase: "I tried but my soul was in convulsion."

A cautionary note: I am concerned about how much pressure this boyfriend exerts. How well do you know him?

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

When my leg was okay i was helping, no difference. She's just toxic. And i really tried to get a new accomodation but it ruined me. Brokers are evil. Thank you for believing in me, i fear i might have fooled you, i don't feel like a psychologist, i feel like I need a psychologist. He does stress me out, idk, i just get triggered and not let him speak further or i talk about myself or we're just in the present moment talking about something abstract. Tbh i feel like any boy would stress me out, even some girls and even trans people

[SoporRose in reply to Against_the_current]

It makes sense that any romance right now is stressful. It always seems like love will save us when often the other person is looking to be saved as well. Now's not the time for that. Now, I think, you need friends, not lovers.

Maybe you have fooled me. 😜😁 But if you fooled me, then try to fool yourself as well. Remember your stellar grades and what your prof said to you at graduation. You can use your degree for so many jobs besides being a therapist. You have more options that you realize.

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

Thank you 😭

[CLB1125]

SoporRose has given you wise advice. Being in a relationship with anyone right now is too stressful. You need to make yourself the main priority. Maybe when your mom is sober and thinking clearly you could have a serious conversation with what she expects from you as far as helping around the house. It sounds like you are using your leg as an excuse to be taken care of. We all like to be cared for but there comes a time when you will have to be responsible for your own care. It's scary but later you will be so happy to be your own boss. Give yourself more credit. Like SoporRose said you are a very intelligent person and very poetic in your writings.

[Against_the_current in reply to CLB1125]

I have low self-esteem and that's why I don't feel capable of taking care of her or me. I have taken care of the house as she wanted but she was upset again, she has some mental illness on her own but she doesn't let me know what it is

[SoporRose in reply to Against_the_current]

I do think your self-esteem will rise as you start to help around the house and see that you are competent and capable. Because you are. You really are.

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

Thanks. Really wish i could but i can't walk still

[SoporRose in reply to Against_the_current]

I am concerned that you still can’t walk. This is a very long time for a sprain to heal. Can you call the doctor to let her or him know that you are still unable to move around? There are probably some therapeutic exercises you could do to restore strength to your leg.

[ziggypiggy in reply to Against_the_current]

You need to work with someone on finding out the extent of your mental health issues. If they are problematic, then being an intelligent and capable person often means little towards the road to recovery and can itself lead to self shaming and shaming by others who aren't in your shoes. Feeling unable to take care of yourself is a very commom mental heath issue. Its called learned helplessness. And while it sounds like something easily overcome that is far from the truth. Everyones path to recovery is different. Timelines are different.

Be kind to yourself.

[Against_the_current in reply to ziggypiggy]

That's true and painful. Idk how to overcome it