32-year-old student, too old for everything in China

[BeckyWu]

I had dream job before COVID-19, after that, my life went downward spirals year by year, and recently I'm numb enough to hear "You are too old for studying","You look fatter","It's too late", I feel exhausted with just playing my phone, I lost motivation for everything, my husband thinks I'm joking even when I told him I wanna die. But I can't go to hospitals for treatment, it is said records of mental problems will be marked on personal profiles forever, troubling you even more with further study for job hunting, the problem is I have 4 cats, I can't just die and leave them with nothing, I have responsibility to shoulder right now.

[Sunrisetabby]

I am sorry to hear about your struggles and your fear of getting mental health treatment, although having four cats sounds wonderful - I have just one. I was going to simply write jia you but I never really understood how adding fuel could make things better. Have you looked into getting online counseling? Yes, sadly the Chinese government is likely as good as the American government at tracking what everyone in the world does online, but perhaps it is possible for you to use a VPN and English to get therapy from a provide located overseas that hopefully wouldn't be slapped onto your personnel files?

[BeckyWu in reply to Sunrisetabby]

Actually, I firstly tried to turn to domestic help online, but domestic mental support are so limited, most of they look unreliable, I can't share this negative thoughts with friends around, as they are already under pressure, maybe they are not diagnosed depression, simply because they don't have time for a test in hospital, you know, every breath is full of endless work and tests.

[Amokaka]

I wish I could give you a hug right now (if you want one). Your life is not over! I don't know anything about the Chinese system or what barriers it has for people like you, but you have so many years ahead of you in life, and you can do so many things with them. If you were happy in your dream job before, you can be happy again someday. I'm sure of it.

[catsrock]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. You should be able to get treatment without worrying about it being on your personal profile. Sending you lots of hugs.