Over the past year I found out so much about myself and about how I am in relatioships. Some of these things have been really difficult to accept and to work through. Some things I never realised were a problem until well after the relationship had ended. Almost a decade of my life I was used and strung along - I've done alot of things I regret deeply. And in the end I've been left an anxious, jealous and insecure mess. I am trying so hard to work through these issues for my current relationship and I have come a long way.
But
Whenever I think of things that I done in my past, how I let myself be coerced and taken advantage of; I start to think I maybe don't deserve to be loved. Maybe my partner will see that I'm a lost cause and will find someone better. Maybe I'll drive them away with my mental health problems. Maybe they'll fall out of love with me.
As much as it hurts to think of losing them, I wouldn't blame them if they did leave me.
These thoughts occur slightly less than they used to but still, occasionally I'll find myself wrestling with them.
I find admitting these things embarrassing but I just needed to express them somewhere safe.
🖤