Feeling like I don't deserve to be loved

[SR2727]

Over the past year I found out so much about myself and about how I am in relatioships. Some of these things have been really difficult to accept and to work through. Some things I never realised were a problem until well after the relationship had ended. Almost a decade of my life I was used and strung along - I've done alot of things I regret deeply. And in the end I've been left an anxious, jealous and insecure mess. I am trying so hard to work through these issues for my current relationship and I have come a long way.

But

Whenever I think of things that I done in my past, how I let myself be coerced and taken advantage of; I start to think I maybe don't deserve to be loved. Maybe my partner will see that I'm a lost cause and will find someone better. Maybe I'll drive them away with my mental health problems. Maybe they'll fall out of love with me.

As much as it hurts to think of losing them, I wouldn't blame them if they did leave me.

These thoughts occur slightly less than they used to but still, occasionally I'll find myself wrestling with them.

I find admitting these things embarrassing but I just needed to express them somewhere safe.

🖤

[davidthecoder]

Hi SR,

You mentioned that these thoughts are occurring less than they used to, which indicates that you have made some progress in managing anxious thinking. Expressing your thoughts into the written word, as you know, serves as a form of release. So it is a good idea that you took the time to share this with us.

What do you think has caused the frequency to go down for you?

Hoping the best for you in your current relationship as well. I can understand some of the fears you mentioned here, I think some of them are pretty common thoughts for many others as well.

[SR2727 in reply to davidthecoder]

Hi David, I think it's a mixture of things that have helped improve the thoughts. Reading several self help books about self confidence, jealousy, how to be present etc. Writing in my journal has helped massively, I regularly do shadow work and find that, even though difficult at the time, afterwards my head feels a little clearer. Also, reading stories of people in similar situations and seeing how they've overcome it or are trying to heal helps in making me feel not too alone. I think it's just about being persistent with working on myself - I get obsessive thoughts so if I don't work on improving myself mentally it can become overwhelming!

[davidthecoder in reply to SR2727]

That is really great that you are taking all of those steps. Its easy to get paralyzed and stuck, and then these things can spiral. So it is important that we put in this work on ourselves and keep making progress. And allow for some set backs and just keep pushing forward. I am finding there is a lot of "homework" involved.

You also just taught me about shadow work. I googled it, and it sounds like the concept of the "shadow" has to do with analytical psychology/Carl Jung? I am definitely going to dig more into that tomorrow. Because it sounds pretty interesting just at a quick glance.

Keep up the good work. I really need to start journaling. Just started reading an influential book about CBT (Feeling Good by David Burns) and in the first quarter of the book, I am noticing that almost all of his recommendations have to do with writing down thoughts and then performing analysis on those thoughts. So basically, a more detailed version of journaling. There is definitely something about writing our thoughts down that is important here...

Which is why this is a good place to have available.

[SR2727 in reply to davidthecoder]

You're so right, it really does involve a lot of homework but it's worth it! I find shadow work quite emotional but it definitely helps me to face things I'm afraid to.I haven't heard of 'Feeling Good' before but it sounds interesting, I may save it to my kindle wishlist for later ☺️

I'm happy I decided to come on here, I put off this sort of thing for a long time but the community is very supportive. I also like how it's anon, so you can be as open as you want without feeling too exposed.

[SR2727]

I agree, these types of insecurities can be common, I guess that makes me feel a little less like a weirdo! My current partner is amazing and has been very supportive. The main problems come from my last relationship, I was used for about 9 years and was strung along with promises of marriage and building a life together. At the time I thought we were perfect for eachother but it wasn't until 6 months before the end of the relationship I realised that it wasn't all it was cracked up to be. He was coercive and influenced me into doing things I thought I would never do. He wouldn't take my feelings seriously and would say "it's just your anxiety, you're crazy". He even went as far as taking a picture of me crying and mocked me in the caption. I made alot of compromises for him, sacrificed job opportunities, moved away from family, basically gave everything of myself to him for us to work and he wouldn't compromise anything in return. A lot had happened in 9 years and its definitely made me more cautious about my relationships with people. I've become a little closed off and it's taken work to pry down the walls I built up so people wouldn't get too close. Now I'm very happy with my partner and do feel so loved by him but there's always the worry he'll realise he has better options.

I'm sorry to hear about your misogynistic ex partner, it doesn't sound easy to deal with and I can understand how it can impact your confidence. It's sad how these things can have a lasting affect on us. But you seem like a lovely person and I really do wish you the best on your healing journey ✨️

[Agora1]

SR2727, "maybe" is just another word for "what if". Once our thoughts start with

those words, the anticipation and stress begin to climb. Remember that we cannot

control what others think or do but we can control our own thoughts. When you find

yourself in a spiral of obtrusive thinking, ask yourself out loud...."Does this help?"

The answer will be "no"...then you wipe those thoughts from your mind and go on with

your day. The more you challenge the subconscious mind, the faster it will respond to

your demands. This is your life and you need to be in control not your thoughts.

Everyone including you SR deserve to be respected and loved for who they are. xx

[SR2727 in reply to Agora1]

Thank you Agora, that made me smile ☺️

[Agora1 in reply to SR2727]

xx