Virtue Signaling

[Rafael_]

So, it feels I'm stuck on a crossing path, I have been living in a chaotic household for quite a long time, for that while, I've been hiding/internalizing my grief/damage caused by them and keeping little contact to my parents. Keeping it enough at least to move out as soon so to speak, but the problem is that my parents keep trying to buy me out with things, as in for example recently I'm renewing my mom's car while she gets a new one. Even when I tell them that they don't have to buy they keep doing so, they plan to put me in a corner. When I have enough money for an apartment to leave, they'll start by saying that they are the ones that buy things for me and victim blame that around. This isn't the first time they have done this, either. When I was forced into therapy, my parents were actively telling my therapists that I was the one attacking them, and they bought me all these sort of things that kept me happy at home. Meanwhile I was shellshocked and traumatized after being exposed to the harm done to me and my pets. What do I do to move out of my home in a healthy way?

[litethatnevergoesout]

do I understand you correctly that you live with your parents?

are they buying a car so that you have one to drive?

I’m sure I do not understand the therapy situation. how did you become forced into therapy? is it just personal therapy, your parents and the therapist have no business discussing things it’s unethical. confidentiality is the basic cornerstone of therapy. there are laws and regulations about this. if you are being prescribed medications by the therapist then the therapist may talk to your friend or family about the risks of the medication. if this is family therapy and your parents are with you during the session then of course you want to get this abuse issue out and into a discussion. I hope this is personal therapy.

they’re buying you things possibly because they may feel bad about how they have treated you or because they want you to stay.

this sounds unhealthy Rafael. it sounds complicated. the healthiest way to move out of this situation is to either have a talk with your parents and discuss your intentions. if you feel better about writing a letter and giving them that to read do that then. to make it easier on yourself have a place already to move into before you let your parents know you’re leaving. you do not need to explain why or bring up anything that they’ve done to hurt you, save that for a better time all you have to do is say you’ve decided to move and leave it at that.

I wish I could help more but I’m a bit confused.

[Rafael_ in reply to litethatnevergoesout]

Yes for the moment, no for practically the last 6 years. Currently I am being fed and am provided shelter, the basis of that is here. But they have a history of abuse with me, including my pets.

Yes, I'm being renewed my mom's car. Moreso, the reason why I got it, was of my parents trying again into guilt tripping me into forgiving anything that they've done to me over the years in this household.

In therapy situation, the therapist did not get to hear my version of events, my voice was constantly suffocated by my parents victimizing their own selves because I did not act like this before, so it would've been dismissed as an issue that only I had to fix not doing with them. "I've changed" or so, they want to believe while my space was constantly monitored and I was manipulated into never talking with anyone. My other family members also have dismissed this side of the story while it is going on and made it harder for me to reach to practically anyone because of the influence of parents.

Honestly deciding to just avoid confronting them about this all together instead of lashing out is the only sense I've had of this over time. I don't think anyone or even they can make up for that hostile abuse I've gotten over half a decade. I just don't know what they will do, when I say the time comes to leave and they would eventually victimize by saying that they "alone" have been giving me food, a roof to live in, appliances, a car and gasoline, it would boil down into making it up to them by staying and taking care of the house. I don't know what can happen, but by then I've figured to have enough money to move out even without their needs.

[litethatnevergoesout in reply to Rafael_]

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. It does seem like the money and comforts you’re getting from your parents are efforts to make up for things that make them feel guilty and to influence you into staying and caring for them. it’s kind of like a bribe.

I would bring up in the next therapy session your concern that you aren’t being heard or allowed to voice your feelings. i also would suggest that you have your own personal therapist.

I’ve been to family therapy with my parents when I was younger and I learned that it’s a losing battle to get anyone to take responsibility for any abuse or wrongs they’ve done to you. which is why I suggest that you’re own private therapy is necessary so at least you’re being heard and have a way of getting heard and some guidance on what there is that you can do that’s in your control.

I agree that working on your independence is really important.

[Rafael_ in reply to litethatnevergoesout]

The next therapy session I will! Looking forward to doing private therapy for the sake of getting some guidance to what I need to do in the future and also I want to share my story with a professional to at least make sense of what has been happening for the course of those years