Trying to Find My People

[RottieFlood37]

I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder over 5 years ago. It started with speech therapy but didn’t seem to help. I’ve been medicated since then but it doesn’t feel like it’s doing its job anymore. The last couple years have been a rollercoaster with changing meds multiple times, worsening depression, and what seems like a never ending list of side effects - either from my meds, my diagnosis, or an undiagnosed additional issue that hasn’t been identified yet. 😔

Unfortunately, I’m realizing I have been a depressive my entire life. I remember having episodes when I was younger but sometime in my early tween/teen years it laid its claws in and never let go. I feel like I am alone all the time; it’s hard to connect with others when it feels like they just don’t understand you deeply. I have my husband and three amazing children but it just feels like they don’t get me on my level. I’ve also suffered a lot of trauma in my life. Things I didn’t realize were traumas until now; until I was much older and realizing how much those experiences shaped me - triggers and such.

Lately, there’s been no light at the end of the tunnel. Every morning I wake up angry and then immediately tearful. I don’t sleep. I am in pain all the time - emotional , mental, and physical. The physical pain keeps me from doing so much. I can’t concentrate at work or do anything at home. There are so many important things being missed because of this pain. My kiddos have suffered because of this too. I have so much anger and resentment because of it.

About a year ago now, I think I had a breakdown. I woke up one morning and I could barely function. I couldn’t put pressure on my feet to walk myself to the bathroom, my hands hurt so bad I couldn’t pull the covers back to get out of bed, my stomach was in knots all the time, I had a never ending headache, and I couldn’t stop crying. It didn’t stop for two straight months. Eventually, the crying slowed, the foot pain got better, the hand pain shifted, and the headaches went away. With different meds, the crying slowed and my mood lightened some. I was able to go back to work full-time but still worked from home half the time. My pain has intensified again. I’m not able to stay in one position for too long. Concentration is hard to come by. I’m tearful 24/7/365. I can’t stand talking to anyone on-the-phone or in-person; I can’t get through a full sentence without crying. I’m so tired all the time but I can’t sleep without being medicated and it’s not restful. I don’t enjoy anything, especially my favorite things. I work from home. I hardly leave my house.

I cannot live like this. I cannot let the people down who depend on me. My boys means everything to me. They are the reason I don’t let the darkness win. But I don’t have anyone to share this with; not on this level.

[AnonymousGenX]

Hello, RottieFlood37. First I want to say, Hello and Welcome to the Forums. After reading your post, I can very much identify with a lot of the things you are feeling and the symptoms you are experiencing. As I have been dealing with depression related feelings and symptoms, for about the last 5 years and it has been one of the most difficult things I have ever been through. And one of the hardest parts has been not having the motivation, interest, or in many cases, the ability to do the things I know I should do for myself. And I am still trying to figure out how to overcome the lack of motivation to actually force myself to do what I need to do for myself. As sometimes, I will immobilize so much, that it takes all of my strength, just to get out of bed to usethe bathroom or feed myself. But I also realize that most of this is because of the fact that I barely sleep and am, almost always, so exhausted, that I don’t even have the energy to get myself out of bed. Not even for the basic necessities of life that absolutely have to be done. And this is why I barely ever leave my house either. As most of the time, I am too exhausted from barely sleeping to have the energy or motivation to actually go out anywhere. So for me, I know the biggest part of my problem is the lack of sleep that is causing me to struggle to even function normally. And it sounds like that is a lot of your problem, too. So my thoughts on this is that if you can get yourself sleeping more and better…..you will have a lot more strength to fight through the depression. But the problem is the depression tends to drain a person of their energy, as it often affects people’s sleep by causing them to sleep too much or too little. And neither one is a good situation.

With that being said, my thoughts on all of this is that there is always something that causes a person to become depressed. And though I know there are many that will disagree with me on this…..I truly feel that depression is almost always caused by either something that the person has been through, in their past or present…..or something that is not as it should be in their life. Sometimes it is a family situation, a relationship, a job, a personal situation, or any other problem that might be affecting them. Sometimes people are aware of what it is, but sometimes it remains buried inside their minds and hearts…..and there can be many reasons for this, too. However, in my own experience, I can tell you, without hesitation, that I know exactly what has caused my depression and anxiety issues. But, unfortunately, I have not been able to find a solution to my situatuon yet. At least, not one that I feel that I could deal with. So my struggles continue and I will continue to try to find a solution to my situation. But as I am doing this, I am also aware that I cannot afford to keep missing out on life, because I am not functioning normally.

I wish I had an answer to the struggles that you are going through…..but all I can really do, right now, is offer you advise, based on my own struggles; in the hopes that it will help you in some way. Even if it is only in the knowing that you are not alone and that there are others that have been through what you are going through. And that understand you. I also want to say that I have learned the hard way that unless someone has been through what you are going through, or knows someone who has…..and has done the work to educate themselves on how and why these mental health issues affect us in the way they do…..they will not understand. And, sadly, it is sometimes even friends and family members that do not have the education, or wisdom to understand what needs to be understood in these matters. And that’s why it is so important to find others that have been through and understand what you are going through. So just know that these Forums are an excellent source of support…..as there are many here that are here to give you the hope and support that you need. I hope I have been able to help you in some way today. Please PM me if there is anything I can do for you, or if you would like to talk further.