Against giving up

[Gandolfication]

So many times in this life with depression, I feel like I'm back at the same place with nothing to look forward to. I wonder if it is just sensitive duty to my children and the fear of pain and finality that keeps me from ending my life.

Maybe depression is a liar. But it is an awfully good and persistent one. Once again I feel desperate. Listless, hopeless, anxious and despair. Barely keeping up with responsibilities actually not keeping up at all. I'm tired of living as a slave to money for another day.

Maybe I'll turn it around again. I haven't given up yet. I suspect many many people here know this feeling well

[Hidden]

Hi Gandolfiction, I understand your point. I do think that depression distorts our view and logical rational thinking capacity. When we run into a brick wall with nowhere to go, we have to turn around and take a different path, regardless of how uncomfortable that may make us. We know what doesn’t work so we must find what does for our own sanity. I used to have thoughts of ending it all. But I promised myself that as long as I was still curious about the future that I would hang on. Like you, I have children and would hate to leave them in despair. I don’t want them to live a lifetime wondering what they did wrong. My responsibility as a parent I suppose. Btw, we are all slaves to money. A necessary evil that is difficult to part with. I understand u and pray you will cut yourself a break and learn to be grateful for what u do have vs what u don’t. Easier said than done I realize. Don’t let go of hope and try to look at yourself and your life from a different perspective. All the best to u.

[Gandolfication in reply to Hidden]

Thank you.I do try to practice gratitude.

Today, and this week, I'll have to face some deeply uncomfortable things that include just trying to make money. I know everyone has to do this. I don't think I'm special for it.

Some days letting go of the anxiety of the moment is easier than others.

Thanks for the support. and my best to you too.

[LoveforAll41]

Are things looking/feeling any better Gandolfication? It is a terrible feeling when it just seems that depresison is inevitable and even if you feel better it will come back. I can't remember, have you tried an inpatient place? 3 or 4 or 5 thousand dollars I think is a small price to pay and an investment in being able to work. I have had a much much better year since getting out of the inpatient place I visited for a few weeks. As Spirited said, we find out what doesn't work and we have to try something else.

Perhaps this is a time to reevaluate work? Are there things you can change there? I know you have worked hard for your position. I wish you peace, hope, and sustainable change.

[Gandolfication in reply to LoveforAll41]

Thanks. I'm trying, but having another miserable, desperate-feeling day. I just need to get work done to help clients and earn money.

Have I tried inpatient treatment? Yes. It's not where I want to go. I have no financial margin, and am badly behind.

I know if I was talking to someone else in my position, I would see options and possibilities, but because it's me, I don't. I just can't figure this out, and consequently, want it to be over.

[LoveforAll41 in reply to Gandolfication]

Me again. I went back to look at my therapy notes. I am currently working on accepting emotions (especially those I would term "negative") and sitting with them rather than avoiding them. For me that is eating, playing video games, even exercise, to avoid feeling how I feel. Just because we feel anxious or trapped or depressed or hopeless that does not mean that things really are that way. We obviously have a reason that we feel things, and we can be understanding, show self-compassion, and SUPPORT ourselves in the emotions. I am still not 100% sure how to do this, but I am trying. Hang in there Gandolfication (I would say hang in there man in real life probably, but I am not sure how that comes over with people I have never met. Maybe I wouldn't) God bless.

[LoveforAll41]

Argh! I know that you put a lot of work into this mental health stuff... I am so sorry that you feel trapped/a slave. That is a feeling that I hate.