Need Advice

[mindfulmeow]

My relationship of 3 years just ended. It wasn't a bad breakup or anything like that. He has stated over a few months now that he needed time to find himself and truly be happy with himself. He has stated that he hasn't been the same loving boyfriend he used to be and that it's not bc of me. He states he loves me more than I'll ever know and has hopes that we will meet again and rekindle a better relationship.

It's difficult because over the last several months I've tried to let go of the relationship and we end up speaking again and trying to work it out, but he always ends saying that he isn't good with himself and should really focus on himself. I completely understand where he's coming from as I'm also like at right now. I have no idea who I am and I feel like I can't fully be myself around him anymore bc he's done this several times. I can't blame him, because I also had a choice and I chose to try to work it out.

Anyways, I'm hopefully, but I don't want to be too hopeful as I'm not sure if he's really being honest with me. He says he wants a future with me, but that it's unfair to me to just be waiting for him until he's healed. I love him dearly, which only makes this more difficult bc he didn't do anything wrong. However, I'm scared and worried during his healing he'll find someone better and more worthy of commitment.

I am pretty good with this and I respect my own boundaries as well as his. I know that I can't communicate or reach out just because I don't want to interfere with his healing as well as my own!

What do you guys do during/after a breakup? I don't really have friends to hang out with. I have 2 sisters, 1 of which I only regularly see and my puppy. What are some good ways to get through this breakup and let go of the unknown and also the fear of him potentially being happier with someone else. I hate to compare myself, but I would like to treat this as a breakup rather than a see you later, because I don't want to be devastated if it doesn't go as I hoped.

[GlowingDarkly]

Breakups are one of the worst things in life, but they are also great opportunities.

When my 3-year long relationship ended, I was very much in a similar space as you’re finding yourself right now - I felt lost. But what I decided to do then is to start working more on myself. I pulled myself out of that hole of emptiness by working on a new (or rather in my case, re-kindling an old) hobby of writing. I began journaling not just my own feelings but also story ideas. It was also around this time I decided to start working with a therapist and begin tackling my own long-term issues and facing the trauma of my past.

Through all that, I also began (slowly) the process of looking inwards towards my own wants, needs and goals I’d like to have. I also had to push away my ex more. She and I split on relatively good terms, she had decided to move out of state and I wasn’t really in a place in my life where I could or wanted to follow. But the fact there “could still be hope” was extremely heart wrenching and a touch toxic for me. I can still hold her dearly within my heart but I also had to learn to let her go. The sooner you can do that - I think the easier it will be for you to move on.

Ultimately, I think the best way to get through is to begin to shift the love you had for your ex back onto yourself. You’ve got plenty of time to make space for yourself and you’ll find that over the course of time that you are focused on yourself, that someone else will cross your path.

[LoveforAll41]

Hi mindfulmeow. Breakups are classicly stated as a sad time in our lives for a reason. They are tough, even if it is for the best it is the end of something. That is fine to mourn and it is fine to be sad. We don't need to mope though. As GlowingDarkly says, and as you and your ex have both said, it is time to work on yourselves. A hobby, new or old is great, school? Volunteering? Reading some amazing books?

I would recommend something that is social. I know I would always pine for my last relationship until I started a new one, even if it is just one date then your daydreams can include someone new. At least for me. It is okay if someone makes them "happier", it sounds like that would be more to him working on himself than another person. I think that you would also find someone that would make you happier.

I am sorry I don't have better advice, it is a hard time. l know I prayed hard in my dating years that I would end up with the right person and my wife is far and away the best fit for me of anyone I ever dated.

I wish you peace, hope, and strength.