Always thinking something bad is going to happen.

[secrets22]

For as long as i remember i have been plagued with self-doubts and hopelessness, and it rears its ugly head more often than what i would like. I think it stems back to childhood when i always tried to please people, but the overriding fear i have is that something majorly bad is going to happen, and sometimes it does, bad luck does seem to follow me around, but i do overcome it which in itself saps everything from me.

I have made quite a success of my life overall but it never seems enough, considering i have always suffered major depression, and been on anti-depressants forever.

Work has always been my raison d'etre for without work i would have crumbled and i never can understand anyone not working, but my obsession with work has taken its toll, it has enveloped my very being, and i suppose it's been a way of proving myself to my detractors, not that i should be doing so anyway, but its been engrained in me that work is the rent i pay for my time on earth.

PS/ a Rant! aside from this I must question why so many posts on HU are still in circulation 8 or 12 years later, surely the moderators should be deleting posts which are no longer relevant to the author? 🧐

[Overthought]

You sound like me clone friend.

I leaned into the philosophy you are describing and then some not only do I over work like I’ll be there hours early and leave hours after but I also took a job which had a live in position which means when I finish work I’m still working. It’s absolutely ridiculous when I think about it. People pleasing to the point of self destruction shredding my social life into non existence. I’ve done everything just like you. So many problems I have been through due to work and yes we overcome it but the toll on our minds is terrible paranoid anxious everyday wondering who is in the best case excluding you in the worst plotting your downfall for certain friend this is hell.

I have obsessively applied for almost every other job in my town and I don’t even get called for an interview it’s almost like some kind of intervention from above why can’t I be allowed to move on.

I am a hotel manager I’ve held my position for 6 years I’m highly trained in many things but not one call for an interview how can this be. The one time I got a call back from a hotel I cleaned up my suits got ready prepared myself next day received a call advising they no longer required the position.

I’ve given a lot of consideration on how to break the cycle friend and I cannot see a way forward except for turning my life over to a higher power.

I have a lot of work colleagues who tell me lots of advice set boundaries maintain your composure be strong you have to work to provide for your family

So much pressure to succeed so many expectations imposed on me by them and myself.

I have now reached a point where I have decided to just let go and as difficult as it is re focus myself it will be a struggle but I’m already struggling it might as well be for something worth while

A long reply freind sorry for that but I wanted you to know I am right where you are and I hope sharing has helped to show you that your not alone in this

[secrets22 in reply to Overthought]

I am so glad to find someone with the same mindset as me, and believe me it is a struggle, coping day in and day out, and breaking the cycle is a major upheaval and then i find myself wondering, do i struggle on and give into the life that i have, of being to exhausted to lead any kind of social life because i'm so tired. But i do understand that being a hotel manager is one of the most stressful occupations of all. And like you i cant help feeling that something is preventing me from moving forward, its almost like some force is dragging me backwards instead of forward, because i am thwarted at every turn. Thankyou so much for your input, it means a lot. Regards, Roddy.👍

[Mrspjsmom]

Some scars never heal and shape our entire lives I have spent mine taking care of everyone around me. Even as a child I took care of my siblings when my .pther couldn't. Haven't worked for a long time. Which made taking care of the house and my family my job. But now with chronic pain It's hard to do many things. Yet they are still expected of me. My grown children want to stop by and see the house decorated for every season and holiday. That doesn't happen anymore. So each day I do the best I can and try to ignore the backlash. We all try to overcome our depression in different ways. We also can't escape it so we end up drained. But here we are never alone.

[secrets22 in reply to Mrspjsmom]

Gosh, me and you the same, i had always looked after my mum until she passed because my brother and sister never did, and that like you, it takes its toll, and i do wonder if its the reason we are put on this blessed earth.😢

[Mrspjsmom in reply to secrets22]

Maybe that's our purpose.

[Turnipgirl in reply to Mrspjsmom]

Many many years ago when I was 11 we moved house and I was always angry over that!

I had a chat with my friends about this and how I feel this is the reason why I react so strongly when I am led to believe I am getting things and then no I'm not when the rug is pulled out from under me!

What I found out through talking things through was that it wasn't the physical move in itself that had me upset but the way in which it was done that did!

What it was exactly that upset me the most was getting excluded from important decisions that affected me yet the rest of the family got their say in what they wanted even the other children but I didn't and their excuse was that I had been away at guide camp when they were looking at houses and that decision got made.

With respect they could have waited until I was around and then done that!

Paradox is with the abusive way they treated me the people they damage the most is themselves but its nice to get some kind of understanding over what is it that upsets me so much when the rug gets pulled out from under me and why?

[secrets22]

Oh M, i totally cant keep up with you with your name changes but i hope all is going well with you and are well settled in your new home.xx,

[secrets22]

lovely post M, thankyou, and yes i am Aries so am hoping for good things to happen.xx

[secrets22]

Oh, dont mention gardens, mine is far to big for me to cope with, and each day thegarden is full of leaves, but now they say its good to leave the leaves over winter, and that suits me fine.x

[Turnipgirl]

Last year one minute I had a job in that pharmacy and then the next it got snatched away from me and at the time it had felt like the world had ended as its not nice getting the rug pulled out from under you.

Last week I saw those managers who had done that and spoke to them like I would anyone else in a polite manner and I'm happy to say I have forgiven them for having done that to me however even though I have forgiven them for my own sanity it doesn't mean that I think it's right to bully though.

I have forgiven the company that evicted me back in May now time has passed by for my own sanity and I feel by accident they did me a favour when they did that but there was no need to have been nasty over things!

They turned those apartments into air b and b places and when I found out I wasn't surprised!

How are you and Prince Pixie getting on?

Baby is in tonight away from the fireworks and she sends her regards!

[Turnipgirl]

Baby is doing great and is as fat as a pig and as fit as a fiddle and will be 20 in April!

Decided on an early start this morning whilst the sun is out and changed the bed and put the washer on and everything is hanging up outside to dry now rather than waste money putting the things in the tumble dryer!

We decided only to use the tumble dryer when there's a full load and the weather is really bad as they cost loads in electric!

Here the washing lines are well away from the flats so no one can complain that the washing outside their bedroom window is invading their privacy!

These flats are purpose built apartments not like the other ones that were converted victorian houses turned apartments like at the other place!

[Turnipgirl]

We bought a combined washer/dryer to save space and keep the dryer in reserve for when it's extremely bad weather other than that drying things on the line as its better for the environment and saves money!

[Vasiliki99]

That's good 😊 keep on keeping