Every day I am depressed. And then there are moments that seem normal.

[wittsend0]

At those moments, I recognize how not normal they are.

Someone here pointed out a weak perspective I have. No denying it. If I were stronger, fear wouldn't guide my choices, and maybe, just maybe, I might have been someone who is not... broken.

But I am broken. I have known I was broken since I was ten years old.

By some twist of fate, I have made it to fifty-nine. I didn’t think I would make it to twenty-five.

And sadly, I have been miserable for most of that time.

I can't recall what happy is.

I can feel empathy for others, and sadness, that is about it.

I don't feel anything else, and I haven't for most of my life.

I come here and vent.

Because I have no one in my life to vent to.

Frankly, I wouldn’t want to hang with a depressed person either.

Life is tough enough without being brought down by someone else.

Find happiness where you can.

And hang on to it.

[Existing]

I hear you, wittsend0, and while my story is not identical, there is a lot the same. And I'm feeling very defeated by it right now, as I felt from you in your comments.Yeah, I have not remembered a time in the last 20+ years that I actually felt happy. And it hurts because I realized young that I had to put a lot of effort into finding things that were meaningful, to make that the priority in order to reap what I could from this existence. And then when I was barely beginning to see the effort produce that in life, everything like..

It just goes down, deeper..

I'm just really sick of it all ..

I'm here you're not alone. It's really hard

[Existing]

But what did u mean about a "weak perspective" ? That someone said about you?

[wittsend0 in reply to Existing]

I mentioned not leaving anything or anyone behind that will remember me. And they came back with, essentially, why it matter?

[Existing]

And I have no one to vent to either. I can't remember the last time someone actually cared about me in their life.. that's a hard one for me.. my mom but her Alzheimer's cut that deep connection between us several years ago. Since then, no one has known me. I got stuck in a place that is everything I consider worse than dying: the people here are just existing, like no life in them and they are all miserable and they don't care. I don't know if I will ever make it back out. I need life. Or just death. But not this.

[wittsend0 in reply to Existing]

That is way too familiar. So here is where empathy kicks in. I can feel remorse for anyone who walks my path. And wish for them something better.

[Kevo1]

I really feel for you. It sounds so like me, and like you I can't find a way out.. I've sort of made do all my life, right from childhood. I always tell myself there are many people worse off. No easy answers here but your not alone in this. Tomorrow is another day as they say. Good luck to you

[wittsend0 in reply to Kevo1]

Sorry we walk a similar path. When I was young, I told myself the universe out of spit... the next day of my life would be the best day of my life if I killed myself. So I would miss out. And here I am.

[lauralidia]

I had felt like that my whole life,low grade anxiety and fear,hyper vigilance.Never been able to relax and enjoy anything good without the thought that it will go away soon.Nothing really worked to get away from this doom,I never believed the affirmations,never trusted anyone when they told me they loved me.For me it all came from childhood trauma.I read this book called Mother Hunger and now it all makes sense.The abuse I endured in my first years of life,is deep in my bones.I had used guided meditation,I choose the ones with a very kind reassuring voice.I try to comfort myself,nature helps too.Just laying on the grass.Hope this helps.You are not alone❤️

[wittsend0 in reply to lauralidia]

I will find the book. thanks. Yes, I do breathe better, when walking through a forest.

[Neos2 in reply to lauralidia]

I can relate when I try to relax fear grips my soul I need meds to sleep or I get caught in this fear

[Kat63]

I’ve known something was wrong since I was seven. I’ll be 60 next month.

Every time I go into a bad period of my life, I feel despair, because I think it will be that way forever. After decades of therapy, meds, and self-help books, I know that this way of thinking is part of the problem.

I’m trying to remind myself that the bad times I’ve had before did eventually end, and that I’ve had good times in my life. I’m trying to hope this bad period will come to an end, and there might be good things in the future.

[wittsend0 in reply to Kat63]

I figured out at one point in life that thinking for me, is like a needle in the groove of a record. If I allow the needle to play the same section over and over the groove gets deeper and the needle falls into the deeper groove more easily then the shallow groove, creating a loop, self-fulfilling prophecy, mental spiral. And I try really hard to see when my brain is spiraling and attempt to break the cycle. That has been a lifelong battle that I lose more than win.

[Existing in reply to wittsend0]

That Wittsend is an excellent analogy. Something everyone can understand and relate to. Think I will write a separate post on it.

[Hidden]

I'm sorry that you have been struggling with those feelings! I really understand what you are going through! I feel the same right now with a lot that you have mentioned! "Broken" sums it up! I have had a very abusive childhood both physically , sexually and mentally! I have also been very depressed as a young child and never thought that I would amount to anything because that's what I was told! This has carried out to my adulthood and I then was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I have had severe trauma as an adult as well and I was diagnosed with CPTSD. The feelings of great sadness and hopelessness are very real and people that haven't gone through severe depression do not understand and will just tell me to get over it, but it's not that easy! It's constant torture of the mind! I hope that you will get some relief soon!

[wittsend0 in reply to Hidden]

And you.

[Hidden in reply to wittsend0]

thank you

[Existing in reply to Hidden]

Your post, like many, break my heart because of the childhood trauma they are are sourced in. I am fortunate not to have experience that, and it makes me angry at how children -used as pawns thoughtlessly, selfishly - will carry the scars of abuse through their life. I have experienced much adult trauma, and it has extremely life shattering, but there is a huge difference when you have a frame of reference for what 'normal life' looks(ed) like, whereas children don't. Hence that common feeling of being somehow 'broken' and 'defective'. In Childhood trauma there is no 'normal life' to reflect on, for that is all you know. That would be painfully confusing, living in something you can't figure out.

If I may ask, what do you think it would take to convince you that say, because of that trauma, you are actually more worthy of a life well lived than others who possibly take that for granted. How can you frame the situation so that you are no longer perpetuating the beliefs passed on to you by your parents. Does it help even just to realize that's what you are doing?

[wittsend0 in reply to Existing]

I believe I am a good person, I work at being a good person. So, it isn't that I don't believe I am worthy. I do believe I deserve better. It seems to never materialize for me. And like others have said I have my moments of recognizing there are others far worse off than I. It's also somewhat depressing since I empathize with others.

[Existing in reply to wittsend0]

Yeah, I hope I wasn't making an assumption about feeling 'not Worthy's, that I just mixed up with someone else. Because that's my problem too. It's been so long (20+years) since anything has 'materialized for me'. It truly scares me when I wonder if I'm being unrealistic to expect that anything will change or materialize.. because I have no intention of spending the rest of my life like "this". For years now, each day that passes, it's like I almost regret sticking around. I have a real hard time with having the consciousness of how this is affecting me, how the self-fulfilling prophecy sometimes seems to play out. Like I continue to try at things, but then days or weeks later, I'm back to wondering if anything I try is actually real, or if it's just my way of 'hoping on things' as the only form of survival I have left. Without a reason to live, I've always felt that life is not worth living. I can't afford to feel like that.

[wittsend0 in reply to Existing]

I have thought about suicide since the age of ten several times a week. It is rare when I don't think about it. Usually when I wake from sleep. As in, shit survived again. I tend to pray for passing in my sleep. No Luck. No one is hearing and acting upon my prayer. Desire. Call it what you will.

I swear I must have been a truly evil son of a bitch in a past life. Because I know I don't deserve it from this one. Keeping me here in misery.

1 day at a time. Sure, but when each is miserable, what is the point? It depresses me more thinking about the number of people here feeling the same way. Life should be better than this for all of us.

[Existing in reply to wittsend0]

Wow, nailed it for me too. The only thing different is that I've always heard that most people with depression tend to feel the worst in the morning like you. I've noticed that's about the only time I actually feel ok, like everything has been washed away in the sleep. So, for me it's either afternoon or evening. But I totally relate to the thoughts every day that are like: "Really?! Really, God, I'm still fn here?!". And I did have a good a life of real progress for many years. But I've thought -more than once - "I should have just done it right then". ... referring to my first suicide attempts in high school. I almost regret living out the false hope of my life.. 🥺

[wittsend0 in reply to Existing]

I held the gun to my head in high school,, But it didn’t happen. 40 years later . I'm still thinking about it./

[Existing]

But here's something else: I've lived my life very consciously. It started out from my depression, recognizing that I would be dealing with this of and on through life, but realizing I never had any 'love for life', that it was all such a disappointing effort. Well, long story short, a very long 9 year quest, I discovered my purpose or mission in life had more to do with meaning than personal success. Beth my background 8n psychology (although that was not formally pursued yet) I knew that what fulfilled me was 'making the world a better place', by reaching out to touch (hopefully) those struggling like myself. And so, that's what pains me the most right now... I feel like I've spent my life preparing the wisdom and skills for what I'm called to do today, and yet, I'm held back by the traumas that have plagued me in the last 20+ years, and the last was from the mental health system itself! So, now I've lost any all trust (where I live) in this profession, delaying my ability to recover and start implementing my mission. And I'm really fn angry about things they have done to me here. I know that if that could happen to someone like me (knowledgeable and experienced in mental health and research), that it's happening to others who are in pain reaching out for help too. Only to be traumatized more. So, I personally have big-time resentments because what helps me the most is when I am being of service to people's needs. And yet they (the system and thinking in this particular place I live) are only doing more damage that I'm still struggling to overcome.

[wittsend0]

Sorry to hear.