Am I a bad parent

I try so hard to be a better parent than my parents were. On that note I have definitely succeeded but in trying to make my children's lives easier and more safe stable and comfortable I feel I've created different problems for them. My independence came from struggle and going it alone and limited choices and having to sort my own dilemmas out. Do you have to go through hell to be a strong person?

If so do I have to put my kids through a hard time for them to appreciate what they have?

I feel I'm failing

[litethatnevergoesout]

no you don’t have to go through hell to be strong. building the confidence and sense of security in children can make them as strong as anything else.

[Hidden in reply to litethatnevergoesout]

I'm trying but why is my daughter in ibiza crying to her mum at 22 years old? I had her at 21 years old with noone to cry to . Noone to send me money or sort out my flight etc I feel its my fault I haven't prepared her for the real world

[litethatnevergoesout in reply to Hidden]

what’s she crying about?

[Hidden in reply to litethatnevergoesout]

She got pickpocketted last week lost phone and some Money the girl she's with is not supporting her really and she flies home tomorrow and had no flight details or way of checking into airport or even an alarm clock to get her up in morning without the phone she's been isolated while she's been away

[litethatnevergoesout in reply to Hidden]

that’s worth crying to mom about I think.

[Hidden in reply to litethatnevergoesout]

🤣🤣 maybe I'm just jealous cos I didn't have a mum to cry too when my shit got real

[Hidden in reply to litethatnevergoesout]

Sorry to rant I just get scared like what would she do if I wasn't around?Sometimes I think about not being around and need to know the kids will be fine

[litethatnevergoesout in reply to Hidden]

I think that makes you a wonderful parent if you are concerned like that.

[Hidden in reply to litethatnevergoesout]

Thankyou x I do agree but I literally phoned the airline and got the details and asked what to do in a situation that you can't online check in. Then I spoke to the hotel staff and made him say he'd give her a knock to wake her up to leave for airport and book her a taxi. She could of done all that if she was a strong independent woman. Not phoned mummy and cried. So my point is I have failed to teach her to be resourceful and figure shit out herself

[litethatnevergoesout in reply to Hidden]

You’re more resourceful than she is. I see what you are saying

[Hidden in reply to litethatnevergoesout]

I fucking am 💪. Give me a problem and I'll have the answer... only if its someone else's problem lol when it's my problem it goes in the back of the drawer or buried in a cupboard

[litethatnevergoesout in reply to Hidden]

I’m sure she has a few more years to blossom into being that strong independent woman that you had to be at younger age. she’s your daughter it’ll kick in.

[Hidden in reply to litethatnevergoesout]

Thankyou I hope your right and I should just feel privileged that she needs me sometimes . I'd be upset more if she didn't. R u OK?

[litethatnevergoesout in reply to Hidden]

working on it. thank you for asking. you’re mom instincts are shining on me now.

[Hidden in reply to litethatnevergoesout]

😊 I guess we can only do our best as parents. Always have to try to level up your in a better position as a dad . Dad's are automatic heroes

[litethatnevergoesout in reply to Hidden]

Thanks for saying that. I am trying. my children matter, i also love my daughter. I’m ready to be the hero whenever it needs to happen.

[Hidden in reply to litethatnevergoesout]

I don't know your situation but there may be stuff in the way of you being with your daughter? You being ready to be the hero though is everything and she will only remember the good times with you kids are crazy like that lol

[litethatnevergoesout in reply to Hidden]

yes. thank you I hope she remembers good times too.

[fauxartist]

It's B.S. that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.... I was abused and abandoned as a child and young adult....and I'm still paying for the psychological and emotional damage from it....

Kids need love....understanding.....healthy boundaries.....more love...and to be listened to, not to be talked at. You can never not give enough love, and hugs, and high fives to acknowledge their achievements, and to help them work through problems, not be dictated to, but have things explained in a way they can understand. Always tell them you love them, and are proud of them...always.

My mother never did, she was a sociopath, she didn't have it in her to love, she didn't understand it....she was selfish and self-serving.... but I didn't have to repeat her cruelty and abuse....that's a family tradition that ended with my sister and me...teach your children well, and love them doing it.

[Nothing_but_books in reply to fauxartist]

I second that. 🐮💩

[Nothing_but_books in reply to fauxartist]

Since your comment disappeared, I'm guessing you deciphered the code. (You're right, it is a cow. They didn't have any bulls.)

[fauxartist in reply to Nothing_but_books]

Haaa... your quick, I'm not....but finally figured it out sort of ... how are you doing, I know your a Poe fan and wanted to tell you about this really good series called the 'Fall of the House of Usher'.....it's based on everything Poe...and brought to a new more contemporary satire on the' 'Us and Them' mentality of the rich and all they get away with, by incorporating the most clever story line....it's like mixing the show succession, the Sackler family, the Rupert Murdock family, and the news of the rich and disgusting....primarily based on the opioid epidemic the Sackler family caused....as you know of course of Poe's addiction to opium, and how it all is woven together is genius.

[Nothing_but_books in reply to fauxartist]

Thank you for thinking of me! I found the series with Google, but I don't get Netflix, so I won't be seeing it until it shows up at the library. Too bad.

[fauxartist in reply to Nothing_but_books]

I think you will enjoy it when you see it....they did Poe's work an honorable representation of his work in a very meaningful way instead of the usual exploitation, it's done well.

[Nothing_but_books in reply to fauxartist]

You'll probably laugh, but I loved those old Vincent Price - Roger Corman films when I was a kid.

[fauxartist in reply to Nothing_but_books]

Oh no.... I love that stuff....absolutely, and bad 'B' sci-fi movies....my go to background noise while I paint for sure. This new 'The Fall of the House of Ushrer' series is all you would have dreamed of putting Poe into the poetry of story telling and you 'reap what you sow.... 'The Black Cat', 'The Tell-Tell Heart', all of it ....

[Nothing_but_books in reply to fauxartist]

"Ligeia" and "The System of Dr. Tarr and Professor Fether" are both favorites of mine. If you haven't read the second one, give it a try. Poe seldom went for humor, but asylum patients have a turn running things in this one. Dark, sick, and funny.

[melbrown in reply to fauxartist]

Glad to hear it's good... excited to watch it once we have the time. 👋, love & safe hugs.

[fauxartist in reply to melbrown]

Glad to see you my ole friend...hope your doing well these days, they are tough for so many......

There's not much to watch these days, so this was a real gem to find.

[melbrown in reply to fauxartist]

I'm trying... I had a doctor's visit that was difficult (gyno, luckily everything is okay)... I really wanted my mom's comfort, unfortunately she wasn't understanding of it. The adult me gets it... the guilt/same she feels for failing me as a child. That it's difficult for us both. Still hurts though. Trying to process it all heathly.How are you? Still painting? Hope things have improved for you..

[fauxartist in reply to melbrown]

Mel...if you don't mind me asking....did your mother actually tell you she was sorry for failing you when you were a child? Did she actually say she felt guilty about that? That might be something I could have worked with to an extent, ....acknowledgement and accountability would have been a miracle for me. It wouldn't have erased the damage done, but the admission of doing the damage would have gone a long way with me.

Yes...in fact on my good days I'm painting like a mad woman...I have rearranged my organized chaos with some new shelving for canvas and supplies, and have my own little girl cave studio thing going on, nesting for the winter with my set-up now will be really cool. And I'm so grateful to my partner who is a clean nut in recovery, for putting up with me and my paints and brushes and drying canvas and materials all around, but neat and organized ....no dirt or paint flying everywhere like some studio artists.

[melbrown in reply to fauxartist]

I don't mind, you are a trusted friend. My mother has in the past... she is struggling with her health right now & past trauma is playing a part... sad fact that family of abuse repeats itself. It has been a struggle- the adult Mel understanding how trauma is, that my mom & I love one another, but it's complicated. The child Mel who wanted/needed her mama, who is feeling abandoned once again. Trying to accept it's okay to have both of these feelings, that either is wrong.

That's so sweet that your partner has created you your own little studio. We've been busy with work & charity events for my husband's work. Tonight is a big one, a lot of important people he works with will be there. It's also one that is important to us, for the hospital his grandfather helped create. I'm trying to keep the anxiety at bey & take it easy today.

Good to see you.💛

[fauxartist in reply to melbrown]

Your a good person, and always have been a kind heart....you are probably one of my oldest friends here Mel....so many have moved on, and it is always lovely to see you here. Best wishes on your event tonight, and find that Zen space to enjoy it ,and remember....you deserve to have fun and the heck with any of the stuff you don't want to deal with....

I love that your able to understand the conflict of adult Mel and little Mel, and it's valid to struggle, even though we try not to let those things affect us today, it does, but at least now we understand why....which helps me anyway take some of the power out of it.

Dress to be comfortable, and wear comfee shoes girl....

[Hidden in reply to fauxartist]

Aw what a lovely exchange to read between you two. I do feel abit intrusive but you obviously knew it was on a thread. I hope I make good connections like you have it's inspirational 🙏

[Hidden in reply to fauxartist]

Lovely response thankyou x I had a crazy mother too luckily I got away from her even changed my name when pregnant with my daughter so she couldn't find Me and mess up my life

[fauxartist in reply to Hidden]

You have to keep your heart safe from all toxic people....including family. I haven't spoken to my mother in over 16 years now, and don't miss the constant berating that destroyed my self-esteem and any hope of even wanting to live as a kid and young adult....

'No one has the right to take the light out of a child's eyes'....

I applaud your courage and believe me...you saved yourself and your child...it's why I never wanted kids....fear of my mother ever getting into their heads and destroying them like she did me.

[Hidden in reply to fauxartist]

Finally someone who agrees with my very sensible decision. Thankyou. Mostly I hear but she's your mother ... err no a mother is someone who loves and nurtures not a destroyer of worlds.

I am very happy for those who grew up safe and loved but hello not all of us did.

[fauxartist in reply to Hidden]

That's all old tapes from 'Father Knows Best' 50's tv shows of what the perfect mom is....not everyone had that....and religious dogma doesn't mean you have to be subjected to constant abuse...that's just pure evil. When someone has walked in our shoes for a lifetime of mental abuse from someone who isn't capable of love, then maybe they can have an opinion...otherwise....they can keep their comments and guilt trips to themselves.

No matter how much therapy I've had to help me understand that my mother is in name only....she was a cruel sociopath incapable of love, she just didn't have it in her to give. Some people are just wired that way....but to then be treated as a useless burden to them as well..... not a fun childhood. I don't have to forgive the unforgivable abuse and mental damage....she doesn't feel she did anything wrong, I know...I asked her. So what's to forgive?...only myself for buying into the years of shame, and blame, and guilt for her telling me having to take care of me was the cause of her unhappiness, because I kept her from having the life she would have wanted to have....all I wanted to do was be loved..instead I had to be invisible.

Validate your feelings....but never blame yourself ever for their actions....that's on them. You didn't deserve it, you were a kid, you did nothing wrong, and no one has the right to destroy love and hope in a child. Take back any power she may have had over you and never ever let her take it away from you again....you make your own loving family...and love your child the way you should have been.

[Hidden in reply to fauxartist]

It sounds like you have been through hell but also you understand your situation and have come through the other side as best you could. I always got fed the lines it's not her fault she's mentally ill that's why she's like that but literally from a young age I decided that I'm sorry she's mentally ill but I didn't cause it or ask to be born or owe her anything. I did give her chances but her behaviour was so out of control and dangerous I couldn't risk her involvement in my family. As in when I had my daughter.

[fauxartist in reply to Hidden]

Your a survivor....just like the rest of us trying to make a life in spite of not having good role models. No one can play 'Monday morning quarterback' and second guess anyone's honest mistakes and meaningful attempts at parenting skills, there are going to be lots of mistakes to learn from...but first and foremost, we stop a family tradition....and learn with love, that's what kids understand....be honest with them, tell them your learning too, but what's most important is you tell them you love them and your proud of them every day.

[Hidden in reply to fauxartist]

Definitely and hope they get the message. Its so strange to me having never had a parent be there for me. But my daughter thinks nothing of ringing me to support her of fix her dilemmas. I think I'm amazing at the time but it's just normal for her lol.

[Hidden]

I don’t think you have to go through hell to become a strong person. I am sure you have raised your children to be strong, but you may just not see it right now. Just know setting out to being a better parent, makes you a better parent. We all do the best we can.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Good advice

[melbrown]

I get it... yes the trauma we went through as children in some ways made us stronger... but it does come with a cost. Plus there are times when we really want a love one we can fully trusting look to... when our inner child wants their mon/dad/any relative to hold us & tell us it's okay. I think we also over critize ourself as parents or think of becoming parents... it sounds like you are a good mama & your kids are okay.🫂💛

[Hidden in reply to melbrown]

Thankyou for saying I'm a good mum . I do know that but also doubt it. I craved a parent or loved one that would show me unconditional for alot of years and wasted alot of tears in the process. I still have noone lol but will make sure my kids never need to seek that