Help with My Son who is 19

[Ana80]

I am struggling with the recent experience I have had with my son. He has had a very hard freshman year in college as I think most due especially in this time in our lives. he did not do well and got into trouble therefore not asked back this semester sophomore year, therefore home with mom. I am divorced and my ex lives 2000 miles away. (he is a narcissist with a personality disorder per his therapist who left when my son was 15). I could tell for the last month my son was slowly turning into feeling depressed. I thought with new online classes and spending time with his sister and boyfriend at the gym etc... was going to help him get through the next few months before he was able to re-apply. In the meantime, the girlfriend who he met at that school doesn't really want to see him and when he did go to see her, he screwed up (again) and made it worse. He is leaving his old college on his way home he has thoughts of driving off the road......he comes home doesn't not tell me this only that he is hungry and I make him dinner. Next morning, I noticed he is not himself and he proceeds to breakdown and tell me what he wanted to do the night before and that he needed help asap. I call the crises line and drive to the hospital.

Worse mistake ever. They put him in a room with 25 strangers not explaining to me or him what the situation would entail. Without going into to much detail it only made him 50 times worse. I was able to get him out of there in 24 hours as I was told he would not see someone for another 24 house. We will finally be seing a therapist on Monday. In the meantime I am going crazy as I am not letting him do much like going to football games or hanging out with certain friends as it typically leads to drinking etc... which ofcourse is not helping his mental state right now. He wants to see a therapist and get better. He has said this but now is complaining to me how this sucks and he is so bored. I said we need to crawl before we run and its temporary until you can feel better. I keep expressing I do not think its a good idea to be around people who are partying etc... . 98% of his closest friends are away at college.

I just need to know some strategies coming from other parents and how to keep myself in good spirits during all of this especially now that my ex wants to be involved!!! Do I put pressure on getting a job in the meantime till he gets the help he needs and is feeling better till he figures out what he wants to do? So, he has some stability and structure? How to set boundaries when he was just 18 now he's 19 and an adult and I feel stuck in the middle and without his consent can't do much. Now I have my ex asking me 50 questions....I want to tell him to talk to his son but that doesn't work well as he thinks the tough love method is best 2,000 miles away.

Please HELP.

[Ellamaye]

First of all thank the universe that he shared his dark thoughts with you and gave you something to work with.I get the whole 18years and 19 years situation as I have a daughter and had similar dilemmas. When my daughter was at her lowest after we said no to in patient thinking it would of made things worse. I had to basically watch her round the clock and remove dangerous items .

Luckily for me my daughter didn't want to go out.

Maybe for now don't empower him about being 19 treat him like it's your house your rules after all he's not independent yet .

[Ellamaye]

Your not alone by the way and I know how terrifying it is . When they are little we have control over all aspects of their lives . But as over 18s they are still children but have adult freedom it's scarey to watch

[MindfulMoment]

my advice would be the same advice you gave to him. He needs to crawl before he walks. Putting pressure on him to do anything isn’t going to help the situation… yet. It sounds like he has a crisis going on. First step is to get through the crisis and establish a plan. His mental health is the most important thing right now. I think it’s also important to remember he is an adult, and capable of making his own decisions, even if they are bad ones. You can’t lock him up until he gets better. Fear can’t be your driving factor. First he needs to get stabilized. He needs to see his primary doctor to be sure there isn’t something medical bringing this on, be drug tested to be sure there isn’t a further issue going on, and be started on an SSRI to level him out. Secondly he needs to start seeing a therapist to figure out what’s going on, so you know exactly what you’re dealing with. The rest of it will come organically. I think it’s perfectly acceptable to set rules and boundaries if he’s going to go through this process while living in your home. But ultimately he is an adult and this is his responsibility to get the help he needs, and that should be a condition to live in your home.

[Trainchaser]

This is a lot. Do you have a support system for you in place? Someone who you can talk to and not be judged? The better you are yourself the better you can be for your boy. When I was 19 I wanted to come and go as I wanted and my parents were generally ok with that. I was in Community College and doing well. Hope you feel that you make some progress soon