I always try to think ahead of everything. About something that I am going to do or about something that may or may not happen. I like to know what to do in case that something happens. For example I have thought what would I do if I get cancer in the future. How I have to deal with it. What I am going to feel and what would happen when I have to tell my family. I have thought in every possibility since the worst to the good. I have to feel that I am prepared to everything. I am scared of not knowing what to do.
Well, I still have problems accepting certain things. Even though I know what is going to happen and I know what I have to do, I still feel a lot of pain when dealing with some issues. I want to be prepared so I don't suffers so much but when I feel pain I don't know how to deal with it. It is like if I am dying. For example, I had a miscarriage two years ago, but I did not want to accept it. I wanted that it was just a nightmare.
I couldn't accept that something that I felt that I had it for sure just disappeared. In theory I knew all what I were going to feel because I knew people that suffered something similar, so I also try to prepare myself if something like that happens to me, so I would not suffer so much.
But whe I experienced that situation, it was difficult accepting my reality. The pain was so strong that I felt worst than dying. I was like this for months. I don't know how to deal with that kind of pain and I don't know how I did it.
Now, I am dealing with another different thing that is causing me a lot of pain. I think in all the good things that I have. How lucky I am because I have my son, my family, a job, etc.
But even though I repeat this every day to myself my pain doesn't disappear. I know that I don't accept what is happening. I don't accept that something that I already have as part of my life just was gone. It is like if half of my life or heart was gone. I don't know how to live like this. I know that my problem is accepting the circumstances.
But I can't. Everything was better before. I had what I never had before in my life but it did not last. I want to be strong again and no to feel this pain like if nothing would had happened.
How do you deal with pain when it is bigger than anything. How do you do it when it comes without any notice.
I try to forget everything so I let my pain out, but it means that I have to forget that beautiful time lapse when I was happy. And I don't want to forget it. It was one of the few beautiful things that I had before it was gone.
I just don't want to feel the pain. I feel like if I were dying. But I am not.