We can't have everything

[UkyoCoanccy]

I always try to think ahead of everything. About something that I am going to do or about something that may or may not happen. I like to know what to do in case that something happens. For example I have thought what would I do if I get cancer in the future. How I have to deal with it. What I am going to feel and what would happen when I have to tell my family. I have thought in every possibility since the worst to the good. I have to feel that I am prepared to everything. I am scared of not knowing what to do.

Well, I still have problems accepting certain things. Even though I know what is going to happen and I know what I have to do, I still feel a lot of pain when dealing with some issues. I want to be prepared so I don't suffers so much but when I feel pain I don't know how to deal with it. It is like if I am dying. For example, I had a miscarriage two years ago, but I did not want to accept it. I wanted that it was just a nightmare.

I couldn't accept that something that I felt that I had it for sure just disappeared. In theory I knew all what I were going to feel because I knew people that suffered something similar, so I also try to prepare myself if something like that happens to me, so I would not suffer so much.

But whe I experienced that situation, it was difficult accepting my reality. The pain was so strong that I felt worst than dying. I was like this for months. I don't know how to deal with that kind of pain and I don't know how I did it.

Now, I am dealing with another different thing that is causing me a lot of pain. I think in all the good things that I have. How lucky I am because I have my son, my family, a job, etc.

But even though I repeat this every day to myself my pain doesn't disappear. I know that I don't accept what is happening. I don't accept that something that I already have as part of my life just was gone. It is like if half of my life or heart was gone. I don't know how to live like this. I know that my problem is accepting the circumstances.

But I can't. Everything was better before. I had what I never had before in my life but it did not last. I want to be strong again and no to feel this pain like if nothing would had happened.

How do you deal with pain when it is bigger than anything. How do you do it when it comes without any notice.

I try to forget everything so I let my pain out, but it means that I have to forget that beautiful time lapse when I was happy. And I don't want to forget it. It was one of the few beautiful things that I had before it was gone.

I just don't want to feel the pain. I feel like if I were dying. But I am not.

[Jennblank7734]

Hello. I don't have much to say. Dealing with pain I can relate to. I hope you feel better soon and find what you're looking for

[Mmlengal]

I’m sorry your going through all this. I think that way too. I always have a plan for everything. Up until a few months ago I had a plan to get my associates degree in business just so I could go about my business and get a boring job that hopefully didn’t pay shit. Then I got cancer. Sometimes we can’t plan out every little detail. Now I don’t even want to do business because I realize how I’m passionate it is. I don’t even know what I want to do now, but I have all the time in the world to sit home and think about it. Maybe this is some weird fucked up way of finding out I’m living my life all wrong. I don’t even know. Anyway, your not alone. You shouldn’t forget the times when you were happy. Because at least you were happy and that means your capable of being happy again. I’m not happy right now either. And it’s so stupid that I wouldn’t be able to eat or sleep. Not because of cancer, but because I thought I was a failure to this world at 20 years old. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself. The pain will go away one day. We have a hard time accepting it, but that’s exactly what we need. Time. Time and a good person to talk to, so here I am.

[UkyoCoanccy in reply to Mmlengal]

I am sorry for the difficult moment that you are experiencing right now. I understand.Some times we need another person to see for us what we can't see and tell us.

For example, you said that at least I am able to be happy because I was happy once.

Even though I don't feel it right now, it is true.

And about you, you are not a failure. You are very young and you are in that part of your life where you have to discover what you want. You are going to make bad choices sometimes but that is the way of how you can find what you are looking for.

You are in a good age to change your mind as many times you want. I said this because I like many others are in a time of our life where we don't have many space or time to change what we want to be or do. It is more difficult, so a lot of times we feel a failure too.

You are young. Don't worry so much. You have time to find what you need. 🤗 Hugs