Last night, every time I fell asleep, it was a new nightmare. All similar versions of the PTSD dreams that legitimately haunt me. Waking up didn't reset anything and the next time I went back to sleep, my brain started a new disaster dream. It's like this when I'm my most sick. There is no rest even if I lie there for 12 hours. The most traumatic themes of my life just loop over and over and over. There's never any relief.
I'm keeping myself up right now. I munched on some cheddar and sour cream chips but that didn't taste good. I'm trying little chocolate donuts now but after only half of one, I know this isn't going to calm me down either. I don't have in person support. I used to have great friends. Even after I started to pull away, they would message me online or call to check in for years. They finally stopped this past Spring.
I'm ok with being alone. I prefer it. I don't feel like I have the energy to be a friend. Plus, I don't think anyone can understand what I've been through unless they've lived it and I don't want them to understand. I don't want them to know how awful this all feels. I don't know what I want from this forum. My new therapist sent me the suggestion. I agreed to try it. This is me trying it. I guess this is where I'll start.
I appreciate the opportunity to join. I'm not sure how often I'll be here but I would like to be of support for others. I think that would help me feel not as useless as I've felt lately. Thanks, again, for the space to talk. I look forward to commenting some in the future. I hope it will help me feel less anxious. I hope it gives me a little more confidence to talk to people in real life too. Maybe one day I'll make it back to my friends.